It has been a while since my last confession. I have been guilty of wrapping my life around me like chains so that I might have the excuse of that prison for not taking the steps I need to move forward. It's such a simple thing to do. It's so easy to do. All I have to do is look at where I need to go and say to myself, "I cannot be there because I am here."
My newest love has shown me the light of this, though I doubt it was by knowledge or intent. He simply knows that he wishes to be with me and I keep putting up these hurdles. "Not enough time," I say, or, "I can't just change things like that!" In some ways, this is correct. We have only been dating for a couple of months and he is talking a common bedroom and golden bands. But honestly, the thing I think that is truly holding me back is not the circumstances of my divorce which prevent me from moving quickly, or the fact that I have not been dating the Sgt. for very long. The thing that I think most impedes my way can be summed up in one word....... Sexy.
It should come as no surprise that Sexy has called to me since I started dating the Sgt. It should also come as no surprise that I answered his call. I went to him knowing the danger of immorality that I was subjecting myself to. I went to him knowing the suffering that I could cause. The Sgt. is a good man, though a bit hurried. His only sin so far lies in his tendency to be possessive. He admitted to erasing Sexy's number from my phone. He admits to jealousy when I talk to another man. Still, this does not give me good cause to run to the arms of another. And while I fought the temptation to do more than just hold Sexy, the temptation was there.
I don't know why it is so hard for me to let go of this man. I don't know what it is about him that touches me so deeply where none other than the Lord and my family dwell. And I can't even begin to explain how much I mourn the fact that the good Sgt. does not infect me with the same bittersweet passion that I experienced with Sexy.
Perhaps this is a punishment for my life of sin, to know the existence of a passion for which I once dreamed, but to live the rest of my life without it. Not to say that the Sgt. doesn't do quite well for himself. It just doesn't touch me the same way. With Sexy, one touch would erase the world beyond the two of us. I didn't think of anything but the feel of him, the taste of him. With Sexy, it felt as if our souls merged along with our bodies. For the first time in my life, it wasn't just sex.
I know that despite my desire to be with none other than Sexy, I cannot continue fighting for someone who has no desire to fight with me. He'll let me go. There is no doubt. He'll stand by while I accept the proposal of another and become another man's wife. It is something I know deep within my soul. I will never be worth the risk to him.
I also know that I have a true chance at happiness with the Sgt. He has shown that he's willing to go the distance for the chance to be with me. Most recently, he has taken a vow of celibacy with me until such time that we might be married. Granted, we are not formally engaged at this point, but the talk of marriage has been enough that it is almost a given.
We go to church together, something I have not done since early childhood but sincerely wished to start doing. He takes me out in public. I know this seems like such a trivial thing, but I am so accustomed to men who seem more ashamed to be with me than not. But most importantly, he has adopted my children as his own. He not the least bit resistant to stepping in and helping fill their needs. He does this without request or demand by me. He simply sees a thing that needs to be done and does it. If this means washing a sink full of dishes, he does it. If this means giving the kiddies a bath, he does it. In fact, he has done more for my kids in the last two months than their biological father has done for them in the last two years.
I am torn. My battered soul calls out for the soothing balm of the Sgt. whilst my heart longs for the fire of Sexy. Both men are good men. There is no doubt. Both men deserve the riches of the world and I have doubt that I am deserving of either one. Each man holds a piece to the puzzle of my life. I know I must claim one and cast the other away, and I am certain as to which one I will claim. I just wish that it did not hurt me so.
