I overheard something I wasn't meant to hear today. I was in the bathroom, just coming out of the shower. Handsome was right outside the bathroom window, unaware that I was in hearing distance. He was talking to one of the guys working on our house.
He told this guy to never get married, that marriage was the worst of mistakes. And even though I've heard him say this a million times before, it really tore me open this time. And it's not that I was picturing the long walk with Handsome, but it really hurt that he would say such a thing to another guy while I'm inside, being the wife to him in all but name.
He came inside shortly after this and asked me to make him a sandwich. He likes me to fetch things for him. I think it gives him a strange sense of power and a warm fuzzy feeling to see me tend to him. I usually don't mind. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to tend to him too. And yes, also that strange sense of power.
I made him the sandwich he asked for, but I didn't go all out. When he asked for a few more things to put on it, I brought those things to him and let him finish making it. It was then that he noticed something was wrong.
I tried to explain to him, but it's hard to explain things to him. Men, Mars, etc. He thinks I'm upset about the guy talk. Personally, if I had come out of the shower to hear him talk about cleavage, I think I would have snickered. Boys will be boys, after all.
The fact is, he was warning this guy that no woman is worth the risk. That's what gets me. And here I am, being the quintessential "little woman" to his caveman, and all these workers see me fetching for him and it makes me feel pathetic.
I'm not sure what to do about this. I never really expected to marry Handsome, even though the subject does come up from time to time. I guess what I expected was that marriage or no, there would be a time that he would come to the realization that I was worth the effort of a full commitment, and no matter how many times I discover that this will never be, I still die a little each time that I come face to face with it. You see, it's not about marriage. It's about trust. And without trust, how can someone ever be trustworthy. I haven't always done my best by Handsome, but why should I ever try when I know that it doesn't matter in the end?
Anyway, I have to get back to the grindstone. Though why, I'm not sure.
