Make Me Believe

Make Me Believe

Make me believe
in love again.
I’m tired of being tired
and alone in the end.
Mend what was broken.
Show me the way.
I just want to believe!
Please make me believe!

I bought the dream
but was sold a lie.
When it all fell apart,
again I would try.

I gave it my all
‘til there was nothing left,
but I bear the blame
‘cause I fooled myself.

So make me believe
in love again.
I’m tired of being tired
and alone in the end.
Mend what was broken.
Show me the way.
I just want to believe!
Please, make me believe!

I’m no longer sure
how I can begin
to rewrite this story
with a different end.

‘Cause my faith was shattered
before you met me.
My heart may be broken,
but you hold the pieces.

So make me believe
in love again.
I’m tired of being tired
and alone in the end.
Mend what was broken.
Show me the way.
I just want to believe!
Please, make me believe!

Hold me when I’m hurting,
keep me by your side,
leave your heart open,
don’t let your love hide,
and make me believe.

If I Had No Tomorrow

If I Had No Tomorrow

Broken hearts,
angry words,
built up walls
never fall,
insults too often hurled;
but second chances
not often granted
to forgive in this world.

Take a moment
to take stock of our life.
It makes no difference
who is wrong or who’s right.
Would it really matter
if this was our last night?

If I had no tomorrow,
would you regret yesterday?
Would you give everything
to take it all back
and love me a different way?
Would you forgive my imperfections
and let go of all the pain
if I had no tomorrow?

Silly games,
foolish pride.
Won’t give in,
but cannot win
if amends isn’t tried.
We shouldn’t give up
on what’s a good love.
Our hearts, we shouldn’t hide.

Time to let go,
leave the past in the past.
Every moment
should be treated like our last,
because you never know;
time moves by us so fast.

If I had no tomorrow,
would you regret yesterday?
Would you give everything
to take it all back
and love me a different way?
Would you forgive my imperfections
and let go of all the pain
if I had no tomorrow?

In the end, my dear,
what matters most
is that I’m here,
with arms and heart
open to you; and I know
that this petty fight
would seem so slight
if I had no tomorrow.

I Just Wanna Bang On The Drum All Day

Handsome has a heart of gold, and I try to remember this when he does something that irks me.  I try to remember that all of his actions come from a good place and that he's not trying to drive me crazy.  Still, I have to wonder when he acts without thinking.

On this occasion, Handsome has purchased a set of drums for one of his boys.  The excuse is that he missed their last Christmas and birthday.  It's one of the many downfalls of joint custody when you live across the country from your ex.  I really do sympathize with this, being that I also have custody issues and distance to deal with.  However, I think a drum set is a pretty expensive toy to buy when he is hollering every day about how broke we are.

Now, his idea of broke and my idea of broke are two different things.  His idea of broke is when the bills are not payed a year in advance and we can't afford all the luxuries.  My idea of broke is when the bills are a year behind and you can't afford the necessities.  Either way, we shouldn't be buying drum sets, but that doesn't seem to matter when Handsome's guilt comes knocking.

I know I should probably take a deep breath, plug in my mp3 player as loud as I can, and let go of my anger and frustration; but I really have a hard time doing that when I walk by the boys' bedroom and find Handsome banging away on the brand new drum set he supposedly bought for his son.  Maybe if he was a little better at the drums.....No, it would still piss me off.  Who am I kidding?!  I want to take those drumsticks and shove them where the sun doesn't shine.  I want to beat his thick skull on the $40 stair stepper he wouldn't buy me because we can't afford luxuries right now.  After that, I want to roll him up in his new car mats and dump him off a cliff.  Did I mention that I quit smoking?  You can hardly tell, right?

So, yeah, I've been a little more anxious and aggressive lately.  I might just be blowing things out of proportion.  Perhaps a little music therapy would help, like the most awful drum solo I can create sometime around Handsome's bedtime.  That wouldn't be so bad, would it?

Rise And Fall (Poem)

Rise And Fall

Words said tonight,

they darken my heart,

but they show me the light.

I walk down the hall

and stare at the portraits

of our rise and fall.

A story well learned;

love was the fire,

and we both were burned.

We gave it our all

but paid no attention

to our rise and fall.

We touched and we flew,

but before we knew,

deep between us grew

what became a wall.

We didn't think twice,

gave no sacrifice.

Now, we pay the price

for our rise and fall.

Together we seem,

but just an illusion,

the shadow of dream.

With sharp words, we maul

and angrily keep time

to our rise and fall.

We paid no heed,

got lost in our need

'til we did exceed

the sound of our call.

No, we can't confuse

the shame of this ruse.

Blindly, did we choose

our rise and fall.

Give me a sign,

more than just words,

I need your hand in mine.

Let's tear down this wall

that's painted with pictures

of our rise and fall.

Well, nobody sees

the forest from the trees.

Now brought to our knees,

we must chance it all.

Now, do we expend,

risk love that will mend,

or let it all end

in our rise and fall?

Why, Oh Why, Can't They Just Go To Bed?

I found this little tidbit I wrote in my journal and thought I would share.  This was written April 10, 2012.



I have an alarm set for 7 pm. This lets the kids know they have an hour to get ready and be in bed. And while I know it is natural for them to test their limits, I often find mine stretched beyond imagination. I try my best to stay firm but compassionate. It's just so hard when I know that if they would be still for a few minutes, they would crash.

Tonight was a trying night. I didn't get any sleep last night and it looked like another long one. Kertis (now 8 yrs old) decided to roam the house once he thought I nodded off. Had to get out of my nice warm bed and catch him. His excuse? "Mom, I just wanted to cuddle for a few mins." How do you say no to that? Kert climbs in my bed and passes out in 5 mins. Once he is out, I pick him up and carry him to his bed (Handsom is a restless sleeper).

I get back in bed, wrestle my pillow away from my hubby, and nestle under the covers. Then Cody (Kert's twin), shows up with his little face in mine.

Cody: Mom, I can't sleep.
Me: You want to climb in bed with me?
Cody: No, Dad snores too loud.
Me: (sighing as I leave my warm bed) Do you want me to rock you?
Cody: Why?
Me: ' Cause it might help.
Cody: I guess so.

I climb in the rocker and Cody climbs onto my lap with his blankie.

Cody: It's not going to work.
Me: It might.
Cody: No, nothing will work.

Less that 2 mins later: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Cody is like a good feather pillow; he looks all light and fluffy, but he carries like a ton of bricks. It takes more time to get him back in his bed than it did to get him asleep. But that's not the final hurdle. No, I go back to my bedroom, only to find that Handsome has stolen the entire king size bed and all four pillows. Yep, I finally get the midgets to bed, only to lose my own in the process.

I sit here now with bloodshot eyes and an ironic smile. I could be angry, but I know that sacrificing some sleep is well worth the chance to hold my little boy. Cody is not as affectionate as Kert and shuns all motherly affection, so I've learned to take it where I can get it. Still, would one pillow really be too much to ask for?

So Easy

So Easy

Trust broken,

just shattered.

You're sorry,

but it doesn't matter.

You can't 

erase this

so easy.

Faith shaken.

Love ended.

Ripped asunder,

cannot now be mended.

I can't

forgive this

so easy.

Put in so much time.

Heard now every line.

Put my hurt

on the back burner

one too many times.

Worked so hard to try

to make this love right;

but you destroy,

and you found it

so easy.

Can't condone

what you've done.

You're sorry,

but you'll still be alone.

You can't

deny this

so easy.

I can't take

no more, babe.

You're sorry,

but my heart you still break.

No, I can't

forgive this

so easy.

Put in so much time.

Heard now every line.

Put my hurt

on the back burner

one too many times.

Seen it all before,

and I can't take no more.

I'll leave you now

and I'll find it

so easy.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Forgetful

It's been a very long time since I have posted. I feel like I've come face-to-face with an old lover, no longer familiar and close, yet more than strangers. It would be easier, I think, if this was all new to me. I wouldn't have this awkward space to fill between my last post and this one. How did life get so far away from me? I'm not sure where to begin. Do I continue on with my story or start anew? Do I try to capture the magic that I once had, or pray that the newest of tales catches fire?

I guess I should begin by saying that Handsome and I got married. After four years of what ifs and maybes, we dove in and said our "I do's" just this last Christmas. Our honeymoon consisted of packing all of our belongings and moving to a new base. And I wouldn't recommend anyone starting a marriage that way. Of course, wedding bands aside, our relationship was old shoe at this point. Four years of remodeling a house, raising kids, fighting with ex's, working until we drop, custody exchanges, fighting, loving, crying, laughing. Well, there just wasn't much more to learn about each other by relocating to another state. No, as magic as it was to walk down the aisle towards him, my life didn't really change. It's still what you would see if the Brady Bunch was a real family with a reality show. The Kardashians would envy my drama. I just want to give it away or hide from it.

I did finally finish my poetry book. I was beginning to wonder if it would ever come to pass. I swear, it's like giving birth, maybe even harder because there's no one there with handy drugs to numb the pain. Finally, after 15 years of labor, I decided that I had to hit the accept button on my manuscript and turn it loose in the world. And in case anyone has followed my blog and is in love with my poetry, here's the website to purchase my book: https://www.createspace.com/3510658. The title is Unspoken, and there are many of the old familiar favorites along with some tasty new ones. I'm sure there are also a few errors, but that's always been part of my charm. A beautiful mess, that's what I be.

Anyway, the next step in my writing journey is to publish my book in Kindle format. Then, I'm entertaining the notion of writing a novel based loosely on my life. I'm thinking Modern Day Brady as a title. It does have a slight ring to it, does it not? The question is whether to start it with Handsome or Sexy. Of course, names will have to be changed in order to protect the...uhm...innocent. Or not so innocent. Who am I kidding? I'm also thinking of doing it like my blog, with journal type entries and sporadic poetry throughout. It's not like the two leading men in my life haven't inspired quite a bit of it.

Well, just some thoughts. I'm not sure if I'm ready to take the challenge of becoming an author once again. For now, I'm just going to enjoy what little peace I can cling to in the wake of this last challenge. Still, I'm curious to see if anyone has any thoughts about this new idea. Think it would do well?