Beautiful Disaster

I'm not beautiful when I cry. My tears aren't achingly lovely. They're sticky and sloppy. My face gets swollen. In fact, I tend to look like I've went ten rounds with Tyson once I dry up.

It's simply not fair how some women can pull off a good cry and still look so lovely. I want to be able to cry pretty. I want those silent tear drops that roll gently down my cheeks. I want those soft, heart wrenching sobs that pull a strong man to his knees. My sobs sound more like a banshee trying to break loose. It's sad, really. And then I get those little hiccough type breaths, like I'm hyperventilating.

I guess it's a good thing that I don't have reason to practice too often. But lately, things have been complicated. I'm a constant victim of Murphy's Law, destined to get caught in the currents of chaos. It's been worse the past couple of weeks. It's not an emotional roller coaster I'm riding. It's more like a plane crash.

Speaking of crashes, I wrecked Handsome's truck a couple of days ago. A retaining wall attacked it while I was just sitting there, minding my own business. It wasn't serious. That is to say, I wasn't injured or anything. Just a major scratch down the side. Handsome went postal though. I really thought that this would be the end of us.

It's too complicated to explain without sounding stupid by defending him or sounding like I'm bashing him. He overreacted. I overreacted. His truck got hurt. My feelings got hurt. He cooled down. But now, I can't seem to warm up completely. I'm getting that feeling of one foot out the door again. I hate that feeling when you're waiting for the other shoe to drop and you can't stop being on guard. But, I can't just leave. There's too much at stake.

I know I'm not perfect. I know that Handsome is a good man. We're both under a lot of stress because of this remodeling project we have going. All the work we got finished has gone to Hell in a hand basket and the work we need done isn't getting done for reasons beyond our control. It's.....complicated.

Then, there's the fact that I just got to meet his family and I adore them. They made me feel so welcome and so accepted. And now, Handsome is talking the "M" word again and I know it's because he really wants to try forever with me. And here I am, baulking at it all. I'm so confused. I'm spinning like a top, trying to find something solid to hold on to, but every time I reach out, I only find more chaos.

So, what is the answer? Am I just making excuses, or are they valid reasons for having my back up and my eyes open? Am I being jaded, or wise? Have I finally turned into the thing I most dreaded becoming, a woman so scorned that I miss all the joys that comes with all this pain? Because I dimly recall there being a balance to it all.

Perhaps, in time, I'll get my answers. But for now, the bed beckons me. I know that tomorrow, I will have forgotten my questions. I'll be thick in the chaos again. Life stops for no one, so you either live it or watch it pass you by. But, maybe, I will get a chance to stop and rest for a moment. Maybe the top will lay to rest for a brief moment in time before someone sets it to spinning again. It's not too much to ask, is it?