What My Heart Says

I've been struggling for the past two years to get my head and my heart to agree on the same thing. Seems that my heart never wants what is good for me, and my head never wants to put myself at risk. I'm caught between what I want and what I need. Why can't they be the same?

These past couple of years have been loaded with ups and downs. I've nearly left Handsome so many times, and even had my bags packed twice. Yet, I am still here. But am I here for the right reasons?

I'm so tired of starting over. I'm tired of risking everything and gaining nothing but a broken heart and broken dreams. I'm also tired of being in relationships that lead nowhere. What is it about me that draws me to men that can't commit, at least to me? Where am I going wrong?

I've been thinking a lot about the train wreck that is my romantic life. Lord, it's one mistake after another. I wouldn't go back and change the guys I've been with, but I'd give anything to change the results of my time with them.

Perhaps it's due to the three-year-curse. I'm coming closer every day to that mark with Handsome. Three years, and what do I have to show for it? Safety? Oh yes. We're so safe we're dying of it, suffocating in our complacency. If I were to leave him tomorrow, it would not even cause a ripple in his life. He could wipe away the residue of me before I could blink my eyes.

I want more. My head says take the blessing that has been given me. My heart says to demand what is rightfully mine. Demand to be something of value to one that I value. Demand to be loved and loved completely.

There's just so much to take into consideration. There's the children for starters. They've invested every bit of their hearts. They hold back nothing. So, do I have the right to be selfish with their hearts on the line? If only I could know for sure whether or not there was something more for me out there. If this is all I can expect, why go through the trouble of risking their hearts to find out? I mean, it's not like I have the best batting average here. The likelyhood of finding Mr. Right after all of this time.....well, I'm not sure there is a Mr. Right. In fact, I'm pretty sure that it's a silly dream that Disney made up to profit off of hopeless romantics like myself. And yet, the heart wants what it wants and no matter how illogical that thing would be, the brain cannot seem to override it. At least, mine can't.

It's all so confusing! I've exhausted myself just thinking of it. Time to tuck myself into bed and dream. Time to silence my heart and my mind and get some rest.

Time Changes All Things?

My kids have been growning right before my eyes. It doesn't seem that long ago that my twin boys fit between my hand and my elbow. Now I wonder if I only imagined them being that small. Time has certainly changed my babies.

I've been thinking a lot about how time has passed. It has been flowing like a river. When I was younger, it drifted like a gentle stream. I could pick my coarse as I saw fit. I could laze away and let it carry me, with no concern about where I was going.

Now time is like a raging river, deeper, stronger, with no control of where it takes me or how fast. I blink and I'm miles away from where I was. I can't staunch it and don't dare turn my back on it or I'll be swept under. What I wouldn't give for the carefree days of my youth.

It's been two years since I moved in with Handsome. Two years of navigating these waters with him. Time has changed so much around us, and yet, I wonder if it has changed enough. The raft that is our relationship doesn't seem strong enough to endure this trip some days. The biggest problem though is that we're both trying to captain the ship with different destinations in mind. We're fighting against each other instead of with each other and neither of us is willing to give up control.

I thought, perhaps, I was strong enough to let Handsome steer, but I find I do not like the direction he wants to take and there's only so much pride I wish to swallow. If I don't give up control, however, will be both end up too weak to make a difference when the time comes?

I'm no longer certain as to what to do. Do I give up control or kick his butt off my boat? I know I'll need to make a decision soon or we'll both be swept into the ocean before we know it. It's time for change. It's always time for change. I just wish I could make time stop just long enough to figure out the right thing to do. I wish there was enough time left. But there is never enough time, is there? Never enough.