Another session of school over and I might as well not have went. The last two weeks were the worst. Needless to say, I'll be taking those classes over.
I have no one to blame but myself, of course. Seems like I've been shuffling my feet way too much lately. Well, more like a River Dance than a shuffle. Feet flying every which way and not really moving. Then again, I have had a lot on my plate as of late.
The home repairs aren't going too well. About time we feel as if we're making ground, we discover a new problem that sets us back a bit. The current problem is the living room. I bought some of that snap-in wood laminate for the floors and we discovered that the floor is too uneven to put it in without some major moderation. The typical roller coaster has less dips and peaks. At least the painting is almost done. If I never smell oil based
Kilz again it will be too soon.
Sexy and I are doing okay at last count. He got in a bit of trouble a couple of weeks back and it seems to have woken him up about his situation. I admire him so much for taking the steps to move forward in his life and put his mistakes behind him. I also want to strangle him for being so dang stubborn. He's under the impression that he'd be weak to take help in getting his life straightened out. It actually takes more strength to ask for help, but he'll learn that eventually. It's one of the things I love most about the man, he's capable of learning. You'd be surprised at how many people just refuse to learn after a certain point in their lives. They think they have it all figured out and won't accept anything different.
In other news, I'm going to be taking my ex back to court. I've finally wrangled up enough funds to put a retainer on my attorney so I can get the ball rolling again. I'm both excited and scared out of my wits. It's sad really. I know my ex is such a little man. He's incapable of causing me any real pain, but I dread having to confront him. He's just so angry. He won't let reason past his anger. The worst part is he takes his anger out on whom ever will get him the results he wants. He wants to get me worked up, so he takes it out on the kids knowing that I'll get worked up over that. It's like beating your head against a brick wall every time you come across it. Eventually, you just dread coming across that particular wall. The worst part is knowing that you have no choice in the matter. Because the kids need both of us, I have to deal with him.
Last but not least, as of this week, I'm going to be an involuntary volunteer. I'm required to work 20 hours a week of "work activity" to keep the cash assistance I'm getting in place of the child support my ex isn't paying. So, here's the deal: They pay me $342 a month which is supposed to support four people. My ex is supposed to pay $395 a month in child support (which he isn't) but they keep that to pay off the cash assistance they pay me. In other words, the government is not out anything, or wouldn't be if my ex was on the up and up. On top of that, they require that I work 20 hours a week of work activity to keep the full amount of my assistance. Between the kids being in
Headstart and my own schooling, not to mention doctors' appointments, remodeling a home, and court battles, my available schedule to work is a bit askew. This means the only thing that's really available to me is volunteer work. But wait....it gets better. The place I'll be volunteering at is the unemployment office! How ironic is that? I'm working ten times as hard to get the money my ex should be paying to begin with and the government is getting free labor for nothing. How screwed up is that? The worst part is that my time at school would have counted if I was working on a year or less degree. Since I'm going for a bachelors and an associates, it doesn't count. More education, less credit. Somehow, this just doesn't add up to me. But who am I to complain? I'm getting a free education, I get the
privilege of being able to stay home with my kids while they're with me, and I'm surrounded by people who are willing to give me a hand when I'm down. I'm damn lucky. I don't deny it. Still, I can't help but wonder every time I try something new to make my life and the lives of my children better if I'm not potentially shooting myself in the foot.
Despite all the glitches in my chaotic little life, I have to say that I'm really happy right now. I know that it doesn't seem that way by my writing at times, but I'm really in a good spot, for the most part. All three of my kids are almost completely potty trained, I'm getting a home of my own, I'm surrounded by people who love me, not for what I can do for them but for who I am, and though a lot of doors are closed to me now, there's still quite a few windows open. Life is good. Chaotic, but good.
By the way, my baby sister had her baby a few weeks back. An 8 lb + chunk of baby boy. He has eyes like my sister and a mouth like his daddy. My sister is slowly learning about all the crazy things I've been telling her over the past few years. You don't really appreciate how hard it is to take care of a newborn until you have the total responsibility of one. She's about ready to pull her hair out. A little tiny part of me is screaming, "Told You So!" Most of me wants to sooth her. Babies are hard work and she doesn't have family close to her to help. I had my parents, at least, even if my ex was worthless. My mother is a saint. If not for her, I wouldn't be where I'm at today. In fact, I'd probably be bald and in a padded room. I know my sister is craving the companionship of family right now. Especially of the feminine variety. If all goes well, I'm going to see if I can make a trip to Maryland to visit her and give her some much needed relief. Plus, I get to hold my newest little nephew.
Crazy as it seems, I miss having a baby around the house. I kinda got cheated when I had mine. The first one you always try to rush through. You're so excited about seeing the next stage that you don't take time to appreciate the stage they're in. By the time Desi was ready to start walking, the boys came along. With them, I just didn't have the time to appreciate anything. Twice the baby, four times the work. Add on a toddler and you have a made for TV comedy. Yep, my life strangely echoes
Everybody Loves Raymon, down to the
psycho mother-in-law and the worthless bumbling idiot of a husband. Now, I've divorced out of the comedy and right into the Lifetime television mini-series. Maybe when the dust settles, I'll have a nice little screen play. I'm making the request to have
Charlize Theron play the part of moi now.
