Office Intrigue

One thing I've learned about working in an office is that no one really likes anyone. At least, not behind their backs. To their faces, it's a different matter.

I have to say that I've long since given up trying to figure out the office politics at the career center. This one got a promotion, but no one else knows why. This one is whispering to that one, that one turns around and whispers about the first one, and by the end of the day, everyone talks bad about everyone.

I do my best to keep my nose out of it and my ears open. You never know when you'll hear something of interest. In fact, I've made it a daily mantra: Don't say anything; hear everything. I figure it will be the best way to keep myself from getting involved in the wrong thing at the wrong time.

I have to say, I do find the whole intrigue thing curiously amusing. I find myself surprised each time I discover that those who are in charge don't necessarily have the kind of power they think they do. In fact, if they cared to wire the office break room, they would discover some pretty interesting things themselves. Of course, it won't be me who suggests it.

***Sigh*** , two and a half more hours. I've been playing on the internet most of this. Is that not terrible? Again, I realize that there are plenty of people who would love to be in my shoes but it's driving me nuts. I really hate having to find ridiculous things to do to fill my time. I should be home doing my housework or something of a constructive nature. Honestly, I'd much rather go in the back room and take a nap. That would be a good use of my time too. And, it's not like they're paying me. Think I should put in a request?

Wicked Games

I saw this video again for the first time in what seems like forever. I don't think I truly understood it the last time I heard it. I only wish I didn't understand it now.

Glutton For Punishment

I went to see Sexy last night. Yep, I'm incorrigible. I went on the pretext of picking up some items left behind. I even told myself that I'd be picking up these items and nothing else. Of course, I'm not very good at lying to myself. I didn't believe me for one second.

At first it went well. I maintained my distance, but that never lasts long around him. You see, his hair was tousled. I can't help myself. I get around him and I want to touch. It starts out as small touches, laying my head on his shoulder, running my fingers down his arm. Innocent enough, right? Then, somehow, it progresses and I end up mauling him.

I knew what would happen when I showed up at his place. No matter how good my intentions, I can't resist the temptation, and my intentions weren't the most innocent last night. And later, in his arms, I confessed to the both of us that I wasn't there for the trinkets. I'm pretty sure he knew that already, but it was nice to be honest. Then again, he didn't invite me in just for idle chit-chat either.

The worst part is that after I make love to him, I just can't stop myself from whispering words of undying love to him. That's the part I was really trying to avoid, but I failed. I had hoped that he hadn't heard me, but he made some sort of response that could have been a similar remark in kind. I didn't ask him to repeat it. I was feeling a little ashamed about laying my feelings bare to him.

I don't know where this leaves us now. I'm so confused. On one hand, I know without a doubt that I want to be with him and only him. On the other, I'm not sure I'm ready to forgive him. He still hasn't asked about my biopsy. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, and I'm not sure where his feelings lie anymore. I know he wants me in the physical way. After last night, there's not a doubt in my mind. I'm just not sure if there's anything more than that for him.

Being with Sexy is a wicked pleasure. I've never felt anything so intense in my life. I battle myself daily. It doesn't seem like anything this amazing should be happening to me. And I'm not saying that I do not deserve to have good things happen to me. It just seems that our romance is something out of a movie. You just don't expect something like that to be real, and I feel like I'm stealing something that doesn't belong to me. I keep waiting for the Gods to smite me. Surely, something this deep and wild doesn't belong to mere mortals.

I wonder if this is the very thing that creates the bone of contention in our relationship. I worry that Sexy feels as if I'm putting him on a pedestal. Only, it's not him that I idolize. I know he's human and flawed. That's one of the reasons I love him so much. No, the thing that leaves me in awe is the rawness and intensity of my emotions for him. I think he fears, like me, that what is felt between us is something far grander that we should ever possess.

I'm at a loss. I have no idea what to do. I'm so afraid of losing this thing we have and never finding it again. I also know that even if I could find it again, I really don't want it with anyone else but Sexy. Still, I don't know if I can continue to commit myself to such uncertainty. I can't help but wonder if it's not better to go through life without this amazing passion if it means some stability. There's these invisible scales that are measuring my life right now. On one side, there's the love I always dreamed of. On the other, there's the stability I've always sought. I keep waiting for something that will tip the scales in one direction or the other.

My secret wish is that I could have both of these things. If Sexy would take a chance on me and work at having a serious relationship, I could die a happy woman. But if wishes were wings, pigs would fly. I've come to the realization that I'm not going to have both of these things. I just wish I could make my heart understand that. Perhaps, then, I could move on.

Isn't It Ironic?

I think I missed the verse in the Alanis Morrissette song where it mentions the tree through your brand new, 1st time on your own house. That would definately fall under the ironic category, right?

The worst part of this was that my head was under the long branch. Another foot or so and I would've gotten my head scratched courtesy of Mother Nature.

I guess I should be upset, or even nervous about the whole thing, but honestly, I find it strangely humorous. I have a history of things coming through the ceiling at me. When I lived in Kansas, it was a 20 gallon bucket of water which I just barely missed being under. A last minute decision sent me in the opposite direction instead.

I'm starting to feel like I'm living in a final destination movie. I'm feeling very mortal at the moment. It just makes me wonder how many close calls I get before the anvil comes through the ceiling?

If this was the end of the damage, I would consider it a miracle, but I got another branch through the livingroom ceiling. It nearly knocked over my Christmas tree. You don't know how hard I've worked to keep that tree standing. It would be a shame to lose it to another tree now. I also have some pretty heavy limbs still on the roof that didn't manage to come through. I'm not sure how much damage I have at the moment.

I do know that I am one of the lucky ones. None of my personal property received any damage, including my head and my kids (my head being in the direct line of fire). I feel pretty blessed, actually. I didn't lose any family members. No one got hurt. And the worst any of us have to show for the whole storm is a couple of holes in the roof. Not to shabby, eh?

My Shameful, Wicked Self

I have a date with Sexy tonight. This doesn't mean we're back together. Actually, I'm not sure what it means. Confusion is par for the course with us and this time is no different. I'm not even sure why we're getting together.

There's so much going on right now, I don't know where to start to explain this. It's been a month since our split. We've talked by text message on occasion, but it's been about things like the weather and such. It's like we're both doing this dance around the elephant in the room. Neither one of us wants to say it's over, but neither one of us want to go out on a limb.

Last night changed that though. Perhaps it was the snow. I don't know why, but snow always makes me sad if I don't share it with someone. And here I was in my empty house, and all I could think of was Sexy and how much I wanted him here. So, despite my intentions to remain strong, I reached out to him for comfort.

I know how it got started, but I'm not sure how I ended up going down the path I did. Before long, I was opening a very raw wound for his inspection. And don't get me wrong, I'm not worried about appearing weak. I am human, and humans need other humans. It's a fact of life. I wasn't even that worried about my pride. Pride is a poor companion if that is all you have. No, my shame was in using my sorrow to draw him to me.

Don't get me wrong, my melancholy wasn't faked. There are just some days when the weight of my responsibilities becomes a very heavy burden, when I become weary of carrying it alone. But it's not like I don't have anyone to turn to. I have a very supportive family and some very good friends, if few and far between. However, the one person I wanted was Sexy, and I know that despite the trouble we've had, he can't resist coming to the aid of a friend. So, I shared my sorrow, and a few truths that I promised myself I wouldn't. Funny how I can lie to myself and then turn around and tell him the whole truth. Or maybe not so funny.

Anyway, he wanted to cheer me up. He invited me to his place, but between the snow covered streets, my red, blotchy face, and my shame in pushing his buttons to get that invitation, I couldn't accept it. Guilt is a bitch. And yet, somehow, I ended up issuing an invitation of my own to come to my place the next night so we could "comfort" each other. He accepted, though I'll have to wait and see if he was serious.

So, now I'm wondering. Did he accept out of pity, out of love, or out of need for some physical comfort? Pity, love, or lust? I'm not sure I want to know the answer. All I know is that I have a very long day ahead of me to debate it.

I'm such a hazard to myself.

I Miss You (Poem)

I Miss You

I’m writing a letter to you
and looking at a blank page.
I’m trying to say it all
without saying a thing.
I want to reach out to you
without destroying my walls.
They’re all that held me up
after our last phone call.
The angel and the devil overlook,
both cruel and both kind.
Lord help me, my heart
just can’t leave you behind.
I want you beside me,
but I fear the same.
I look at my blank page
with my head held in shame.

I don’t want to say I miss you
because then I might,
and I don’t know how much longer
I can keep up the fight.
I’ve tried to be strong.
I’ve tried to let go.
I’ve tried about every
thing that I know.
It still seems so wrong to end it this way.
There is so much that I still want to say,
but I don’t want to say I miss you.

I walk through my day
with a smile I don’t feel,
hoping that the effort
will soon make it real.
I celebrate every inch away
from you that I crawl,
while silently praying
for you to call.
And I think of all the things
I still want you to know.
It all plays through my head
like an endless slide show.

I don’t want to say I miss you
because then I might,
and I don’t know how much longer
I can keep up the fight.
I’ve tried to move on,
to take what life brings,
but my heart speeds up
every time the phone rings.
I just don’t want to play the fool again,
so I don’t want to be the one who gives in.
I don’t want to say I miss you.

State of Confusion

Sexy sent me a text message last night. It's the first time in 2 1/2 weeks that I've heard from him. In his defense, he did make the first move. I'm just as guilty of being silent all that time. The thing is, I'm not sure what to do.

I've missed him. I've missed him so much I ache with it, but I still feel so raw about our latest breakup. I needed him in these past couple of weeks, with the biopsy and the stalker, but he wasn't there because he doesn't trust me. And I'm not sure the exact reason for the mistrust, but I have my suspicions. Mainly, I think, it's because I'm a woman. His ex did him dirty, and now he feels that all women are of the same nature.

I guess this is my biggest problem. I want so badly for others to see me as an individual and not one of a group. How does the Panteen commercial go? Be on in a million, not one of a million? I guess I just want to be special to someone, so I work so hard to be special, and all that work comes to nothing because some other woman prior to me screwed it all up. It's like when people say that women have periods because of Eve eating the forbidden fruit. I just want to know when I get to quit paying for someone else's sin.

I love Sexy. I want to be with him more than anything and these last couple of weeks have been Hell. It would be so easy for me to forgive and forget and part of me wants to really bad. But, part of me doesn't want to forget. I need him to put his faith in me and I'm not sure he'll ever be able to. I'm just not sure what to do. I'm not sure how to close the distance between us and I don't want to spend my life chasing after something that doesn't exist.

When we're together, when we're touching and kissing and loving each other, it's like something out of a dream. A fantasy in flesh. And I have a hard time seeing beyond that. I've wanted something like that for so long. I never felt like I deserved it, so I didn't think it could happen to me, and then it did. But there's so much sadness around it. And the sadness is not too high a price to pay for the happiness I feel when we're together, but I can't help but wonder if Sexy feels the same way. I don't want him to hurt because of me, and while I'd never do anything intentionally to hurt him, that doesn't mean I won't. But I also know that I'd never hurt him in the manner that he fears.

Perhaps I'm greedy. I want all of him, lock, stock, and barrel. I want to give him all of me. And maybe that's too much to ask for. I just don't know. I wish I knew the right thing to do. Do I keep trying, keep having faith? Or do I let it all go and start my life fresh?

I suppose only time will tell me the right answer to that question. I'm just not that patient. I've always been guilty of wanting answers and wanting them right away. And I want so badly to do the right thing for the both of us. I just wish I knew what that was.