I went to see Sexy last night. Yep, I'm incorrigible. I went on the pretext of picking up some items left behind. I even told myself that I'd be picking up these items and nothing else. Of course, I'm not very good at lying to myself. I didn't believe me for one second.
At first it went well. I maintained my distance, but that never lasts long around him. You see, his hair was tousled. I can't help myself. I get around him and I want to touch. It starts out as small touches, laying my head on his shoulder, running my fingers down his arm. Innocent enough, right? Then, somehow, it progresses and I end up mauling him.
I knew what would happen when I showed up at his place. No matter how good my intentions, I can't resist the temptation, and my intentions weren't the most innocent last night. And later, in his arms, I confessed to the both of us that I wasn't there for the trinkets. I'm pretty sure he knew that already, but it was nice to be honest. Then again, he didn't invite me in just for idle chit-chat either.
The worst part is that after I make love to him, I just can't stop myself from whispering words of undying love to him. That's the part I was really trying to avoid, but I failed. I had hoped that he hadn't heard me, but he made some sort of response that could have been a similar remark in kind. I didn't ask him to repeat it. I was feeling a little ashamed about laying my feelings bare to him.
I don't know where this leaves us now. I'm so confused. On one hand, I know without a doubt that I want to be with him and only him. On the other, I'm not sure I'm ready to forgive him. He still hasn't asked about my biopsy. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, and I'm not sure where his feelings lie anymore. I know he wants me in the physical way. After last night, there's not a doubt in my mind. I'm just not sure if there's anything more than that for him.
Being with Sexy is a wicked pleasure. I've never felt anything so intense in my life. I battle myself daily. It doesn't seem like anything this amazing should be happening to me. And I'm not saying that I do not deserve to have good things happen to me. It just seems that our romance is something out of a movie. You just don't expect something like that to be real, and I feel like I'm stealing something that doesn't belong to me. I keep waiting for the Gods to smite me. Surely, something this deep and wild doesn't belong to mere mortals.
I wonder if this is the very thing that creates the bone of contention in our relationship. I worry that Sexy feels as if I'm putting him on a pedestal. Only, it's not him that I idolize. I know he's human and flawed. That's one of the reasons I love him so much. No, the thing that leaves me in awe is the rawness and intensity of my emotions for him. I think he fears, like me, that what is felt between us is something far grander that we should ever possess.
I'm at a loss. I have no idea what to do. I'm so afraid of losing this thing we have and never finding it again. I also know that even if I could find it again, I really don't want it with anyone else but Sexy. Still, I don't know if I can continue to commit myself to such uncertainty. I can't help but wonder if it's not better to go through life without this amazing passion if it means some stability. There's these invisible scales that are measuring my life right now. On one side, there's the love I always dreamed of. On the other, there's the stability I've always sought. I keep waiting for something that will tip the scales in one direction or the other.
My secret wish is that I could have both of these things. If Sexy would take a chance on me and work at having a serious relationship, I could die a happy woman. But if wishes were wings, pigs would fly. I've come to the realization that I'm not going to have both of these things. I just wish I could make my heart understand that. Perhaps, then, I could move on.
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