State of Confusion

Sexy sent me a text message last night. It's the first time in 2 1/2 weeks that I've heard from him. In his defense, he did make the first move. I'm just as guilty of being silent all that time. The thing is, I'm not sure what to do.

I've missed him. I've missed him so much I ache with it, but I still feel so raw about our latest breakup. I needed him in these past couple of weeks, with the biopsy and the stalker, but he wasn't there because he doesn't trust me. And I'm not sure the exact reason for the mistrust, but I have my suspicions. Mainly, I think, it's because I'm a woman. His ex did him dirty, and now he feels that all women are of the same nature.

I guess this is my biggest problem. I want so badly for others to see me as an individual and not one of a group. How does the Panteen commercial go? Be on in a million, not one of a million? I guess I just want to be special to someone, so I work so hard to be special, and all that work comes to nothing because some other woman prior to me screwed it all up. It's like when people say that women have periods because of Eve eating the forbidden fruit. I just want to know when I get to quit paying for someone else's sin.

I love Sexy. I want to be with him more than anything and these last couple of weeks have been Hell. It would be so easy for me to forgive and forget and part of me wants to really bad. But, part of me doesn't want to forget. I need him to put his faith in me and I'm not sure he'll ever be able to. I'm just not sure what to do. I'm not sure how to close the distance between us and I don't want to spend my life chasing after something that doesn't exist.

When we're together, when we're touching and kissing and loving each other, it's like something out of a dream. A fantasy in flesh. And I have a hard time seeing beyond that. I've wanted something like that for so long. I never felt like I deserved it, so I didn't think it could happen to me, and then it did. But there's so much sadness around it. And the sadness is not too high a price to pay for the happiness I feel when we're together, but I can't help but wonder if Sexy feels the same way. I don't want him to hurt because of me, and while I'd never do anything intentionally to hurt him, that doesn't mean I won't. But I also know that I'd never hurt him in the manner that he fears.

Perhaps I'm greedy. I want all of him, lock, stock, and barrel. I want to give him all of me. And maybe that's too much to ask for. I just don't know. I wish I knew the right thing to do. Do I keep trying, keep having faith? Or do I let it all go and start my life fresh?

I suppose only time will tell me the right answer to that question. I'm just not that patient. I've always been guilty of wanting answers and wanting them right away. And I want so badly to do the right thing for the both of us. I just wish I knew what that was.