I can't believe he ate the whole thing!

I am not what you would call a technology guru, but I am using the keyboard that my dog chewed up thanks to my highschool electronics class. Thank you Mr. Franchini, wherever you are.

I don't know the extent of the damage to the keyboard. I don't know if I got all the keys functioning when I fixed it. And it all could have been avoided by buying the wireless keyboard but I didn't feel like spending that much money. That's what I get for trying to be frugal.

Of course, it wouldn't have cost that much to replace the keyboard. It was only $13 at Wal-mart. Then again, I did fix it. I'm so dang proud of myself!

It's kind of funny. I've been focusing so much on all of the stuff that I can't do lately that I've forgotten about all of the stuff I can do, even if it's not all that well. I know how to change a tire. I can frame, mud, and paint with the best of them now (slight exaggeration). I can strip and solder wires. I can sew. I can fold a fitted sheet. In fact, I'm an adorable bundle of talent. Why did I ever forget that?

I guess it's easy to forget these things when you have so many people pointing out your failings and misgivings on a constant basis. Which brings us to the next question: Why in the world did I ever think this relationship was going to be good for me?

Handsome and I are not doing so well. That much is pretty obvious. What's not so obvious is what I'm going to do about it yet. When Handsome is not on my case about absolutely EVERYTHING, he's a pretty swell guy. If we were just friends, I think we'd be great for each other. Romantically speaking, it's just not working out the way I had hoped. Then again, none of my relationships have worked out the way I wanted, so maybe the fault lies with what I want?

Anyway, I know that I need to do more growing before I make a decision about Handsome and I. No sense in going off half-cocked and blowing something that could have been great with a little work. There's also no sense in wasting time on something that never would have worked. So confusing.

I guess I just need to figure out exactly what it is that I need and what I'd be willing to sacrifice to get my needs filled. Maybe I should quit reaching out for a star when I have a candle in front of me to light my way.

It's all so chaotic, my thoughts and my life. I've been caught up in this whirlwind and I haven't been able to focus in on any one thing. There's problems with my kids, and getting back to school, and with Handsome, and with my family, and as always with the house. I can't even tell up from down anymore, and I guess I was hoping that Handsome would be a rooting force in my life, but I think he's hoping for the same from me and I'm not very good at being anyone's rock.

All I know is that it's late and I have to get up early tomorrow. I'm praying so hard that the kids don't get a snow day. Please, please don't let the snow cover the roads! I'm supposed to go somewhere with a friend tomorrow and I don't think it will be possible with four tag-alongs. Not that they're that badly behaved in public. Just that they get bored so easily and this promises to be a pretty mundane task. Please, please no snow.

Oh, funny thought. Do you know how you prayed for snow days as a kid and how it never seemed to snow much at all, and now as an adult, it won't quit snowing? Do you think it's God's sense of humor showing that he answers your prayers for snow that you made as a kid when you've finally got kids of your own and view snowdays as evil? Hmmmm, something to think about.

Anyhoo, I obviously need some sleep. As always, it's pretty random, but now I'm wondering if it even makes sense anymore. Just blame it on all the cold medicine I'm on if you can't make heads or tails of this tonight. I'm just writing because I'm so proud of fixing my keyboard by myself and I wanted to test it out. Works well enough for me!

100 Posts Later....

It's my 100th posting and my first post of 2010. Seems like only yesterday that I started this blog for me English class. I think this was the greatest assignment I ever received.

I can't believe how much has changed in all this time. Sexy is now married (not to me). I found this out today and I'm proud to say that I didn't desolve into a fit of tears. I wanted to, but I didn't. I guess I knew it was coming, and though I chose not to think about it, I did prepare myself for it in a way. I'm happy to see that he's got his life out of the gutter and that he's truly happy. Of course, I can't stop the feelings of anger and resentment. Guess that's just the nature of the beast.

Handome and I are not doing so well. I read over the first few postings where I mentioned him and I noticed a lot of things have changed there as well. He no longer treats me like a princess. He's not beating me or cheating on me. It's nothing like that. I guess we've just gotten to the point in our relationship where everything is taken for granted and there's no longer any communication. I bear part of the blame for this, I guess. Honestly, I quit trying to talk to the guy. It just seems so pointless.

I seem to be falling victim to the three year curse again. I never seem to make it past the three year mark with any guy, no matter how much I may want to. It's not always for the same exact reason, but there are similarities. It always comes back to trust and commitment. I can't seem to find a guy who will give me either one of those things. Not truly and whole-heartedly.

I think that this time will be different though. Not that I'm holding out much hope of reaching the three year mark. I think I'll be doing the break-up different though. First of all, I don't intend to pick up and move in a blaze of fury this time. I think I'll stay right were I am. I have no intention of starting this mess over again and I have to think about the impact it will have on my kids. They never got to know Sexy, so leaving him was no big deal. They know Handsome all too well, so losing him would be hard on them. Also, I'm attached to his kids, so it would tear them up to lose another mother figure.

Basically, I see no benefit in removing myself from the pan and placing myself in the fire anymore. It's time to do things different. It's time to focus on my needs and the needs of my children. It's time to go back to school, finish my book(s), start a career. It's time to work on my foundation.

Yeah, yeah, I know. We've heard this all before, haven't we? I'm always saying how it will be different and how I'm never doing this again and I go and repeat history. What can I say? I'm a little thick-headed and it takes quite a beating before it sinks in. No, scratch that. The problem is in my heart, not my head. My head has faced reality, but my treachorous heart still believes in "The One". Curse you, Disney!

So now the new year has begun. I'll be turning 30 this year, and I'm nowhere near where I should be on a personal level. I keep thinking on how I have coasted through my life with no plan for being permanently single. I guess I always figured I'd find that special someone to make my life complete. Looking back on all of my relationships though, I'm begining to realize that a man is not the answer. At least, not for me.

My resolution may be a little late in coming this year, but better late than never. My resolution is this: Stop taking myself for granted. Stop wasting all of this time on wishes and hopes and get down to the nitty-gritty of life. Focus on what I do have and not on what I want to have. I have three beautiful children who will always love me, trust me, and be committed to me. I have an endless supply of potential that is not being tapped into. I have a fresh start, begining right this moment. It's time to go forwards, not backwards. And dang it all, it's time to grow up and get with the program.