It's my 100th posting and my first post of 2010. Seems like only yesterday that I started this blog for me English class. I think this was the greatest assignment I ever received.
I can't believe how much has changed in all this time. Sexy is now married (not to me). I found this out today and I'm proud to say that I didn't desolve into a fit of tears. I wanted to, but I didn't. I guess I knew it was coming, and though I chose not to think about it, I did prepare myself for it in a way. I'm happy to see that he's got his life out of the gutter and that he's truly happy. Of course, I can't stop the feelings of anger and resentment. Guess that's just the nature of the beast.
Handome and I are not doing so well. I read over the first few postings where I mentioned him and I noticed a lot of things have changed there as well. He no longer treats me like a princess. He's not beating me or cheating on me. It's nothing like that. I guess we've just gotten to the point in our relationship where everything is taken for granted and there's no longer any communication. I bear part of the blame for this, I guess. Honestly, I quit trying to talk to the guy. It just seems so pointless.
I seem to be falling victim to the three year curse again. I never seem to make it past the three year mark with any guy, no matter how much I may want to. It's not always for the same exact reason, but there are similarities. It always comes back to trust and commitment. I can't seem to find a guy who will give me either one of those things. Not truly and whole-heartedly.
I think that this time will be different though. Not that I'm holding out much hope of reaching the three year mark. I think I'll be doing the break-up different though. First of all, I don't intend to pick up and move in a blaze of fury this time. I think I'll stay right were I am. I have no intention of starting this mess over again and I have to think about the impact it will have on my kids. They never got to know Sexy, so leaving him was no big deal. They know Handsome all too well, so losing him would be hard on them. Also, I'm attached to his kids, so it would tear them up to lose another mother figure.
Basically, I see no benefit in removing myself from the pan and placing myself in the fire anymore. It's time to do things different. It's time to focus on my needs and the needs of my children. It's time to go back to school, finish my book(s), start a career. It's time to work on my foundation.
Yeah, yeah, I know. We've heard this all before, haven't we? I'm always saying how it will be different and how I'm never doing this again and I go and repeat history. What can I say? I'm a little thick-headed and it takes quite a beating before it sinks in. No, scratch that. The problem is in my heart, not my head. My head has faced reality, but my treachorous heart still believes in "The One". Curse you, Disney!
So now the new year has begun. I'll be turning 30 this year, and I'm nowhere near where I should be on a personal level. I keep thinking on how I have coasted through my life with no plan for being permanently single. I guess I always figured I'd find that special someone to make my life complete. Looking back on all of my relationships though, I'm begining to realize that a man is not the answer. At least, not for me.
My resolution may be a little late in coming this year, but better late than never. My resolution is this: Stop taking myself for granted. Stop wasting all of this time on wishes and hopes and get down to the nitty-gritty of life. Focus on what I do have and not on what I want to have. I have three beautiful children who will always love me, trust me, and be committed to me. I have an endless supply of potential that is not being tapped into. I have a fresh start, begining right this moment. It's time to go forwards, not backwards. And dang it all, it's time to grow up and get with the program.
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