The Brady Story Continues

For the most part, I love my life. I wouldn't trade it for another one, not even for riches or fame. And the things I don't love so much about my life seem so insignificant at times. I just wish it wouldn't play out like a reality show/sitcom sometimes.

Here's the story, of a single mother. She was raising three kiddies on her own. She struggled with ADHD, and couldn't keep a neat home. Here's the story of an Army soldier who was trying to rebuild his life again. He had three kids he had to fight to be with and a job he no longer believed in. Then online the single mother met the soldier and they knew it was much more than a hunch, so they started to remodel a home together and now they are a modern day Brady Bunch.

And now another episode of our story begins. Handsome just got the news that he has six weeks to six months to get his stuff in order before he gets stationed at another base. Since he's about 90% certain he will be deployed from the next base, I won't be going with him. I will stay here in this house, no matter how far we've gotten on the remodeling. Did I mention that I haven't had a kitchen in over a year? He thinks he's leaving in December, which means that he'll miss Christmas. We're under pressure to finish the kitchen with the limited funds and time that we have. We have the kids' school year to prepare for. It's crazy. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

The plan is this, finish what we can. I stay here with the kids while he checks out the new base, and if he doesn't get deployed from wherever they send him (we still don't know where he's going yet), then I'll join him during summer break. Which begs the question: What will we do with our house while we're gone?

I know a lot of military spouses have gone through this before me, but first of all, I'm not a spouse. I don't have that security. Marriage is still a very touchy issue with us. Second, he's pretty sure he's deploying, which is stressful enough, but we also have a whole crap-load of ex's just waiting to cause problems with custody, a house that's not quite finished, and still no idea of what's around the corner. I'm pretty sure that the military has a good reason for keeping their soldiers unprepared for this stuff, but I couldn't possibly figure it out. In this market, why not let a person know where and when they are moving so they have time to sell their house or make plans with their family if necessary.

I also have the three-year-curse to deal with. We're nearing the three year mark and I can feel the tension. We're both tired of feeling like we're being taken for granted. I know it's just a communication thing, men from Mars, women from Venus, but it's just so hard to forget, even if you can forgive. Handsome thinks he's showing his appreciation by doing a job he hates to provide for me and mine. He wants to see me do a job I hate to prove my appreciation for him. I work on an emotional level, not a physical one to show my appreciation. I want him to do the same. I want empathy and affection from him, he wants a military tight house. And I'm pretty sure neither one of us is capable of giving what the other wants.

So, unstable relationship, unstable house, unstable future. Not even the kids are a constant, with all the custody exchanges going on. Crazy, crazy, crazy. You can't tell me it doesn't have the good makings of a reality show. Move over Kate plus Eight, here comes Modern Day Brady.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was a pretty good day for me, considering everything. The day before, Handsome and I took the kids mini-golfing and it was almost fun. The kids all had a "horrible" time. Desi got mad that she wasn't getting the ball in the hole and started hating golf. Then she tripped over her club and skinned up her knee, which kicked up her frenzy level. She started demanding her Oompa Loompa right that instant, which is the exact thing Handsome and I compared her fit to, which brought a smile to our faces. Inside jokes are awesome!

Yeah, yeah, I know. We made fun of our kid. But here's a thing they'll never tell you in a parenting book. Sometimes, you either laugh at them or cry with them. You gotta find the funny side to any situation or they will drive you completely mad.

After that, Handsome took them to the dollar store so they could pick out Mother's Day presents for me. I, blissfully, waited out in the van. I know what it's like to take all of the kids into a store at one time and that was almost present enough that Handsome suffered that for me.

Sunday morning dawned bright and early. At least, earlier than I planned on. Handsome woke me up to ask me if I wanted to sleep in, which makes me chuckle every time he does it. Of course, I decided to stay up. While I was drinking my coffee in bed, Handsome got all the presents and rounded up all the chitlins. It was all very sweet.

It's hard to believe that I spent the rest of the day on my hands and knees scrubbing a floor with a toothbrush. Life never stops for anyone and you have to hold onto the sweet moments as long as you can, but never so long that you avoid the gritty parts that are just as necessary. I cooked, I cleaned, I folded laundry, but my dresser looks like a one-woman dollar store party, and that makes it all worth it.

What My Heart Says

I've been struggling for the past two years to get my head and my heart to agree on the same thing. Seems that my heart never wants what is good for me, and my head never wants to put myself at risk. I'm caught between what I want and what I need. Why can't they be the same?

These past couple of years have been loaded with ups and downs. I've nearly left Handsome so many times, and even had my bags packed twice. Yet, I am still here. But am I here for the right reasons?

I'm so tired of starting over. I'm tired of risking everything and gaining nothing but a broken heart and broken dreams. I'm also tired of being in relationships that lead nowhere. What is it about me that draws me to men that can't commit, at least to me? Where am I going wrong?

I've been thinking a lot about the train wreck that is my romantic life. Lord, it's one mistake after another. I wouldn't go back and change the guys I've been with, but I'd give anything to change the results of my time with them.

Perhaps it's due to the three-year-curse. I'm coming closer every day to that mark with Handsome. Three years, and what do I have to show for it? Safety? Oh yes. We're so safe we're dying of it, suffocating in our complacency. If I were to leave him tomorrow, it would not even cause a ripple in his life. He could wipe away the residue of me before I could blink my eyes.

I want more. My head says take the blessing that has been given me. My heart says to demand what is rightfully mine. Demand to be something of value to one that I value. Demand to be loved and loved completely.

There's just so much to take into consideration. There's the children for starters. They've invested every bit of their hearts. They hold back nothing. So, do I have the right to be selfish with their hearts on the line? If only I could know for sure whether or not there was something more for me out there. If this is all I can expect, why go through the trouble of risking their hearts to find out? I mean, it's not like I have the best batting average here. The likelyhood of finding Mr. Right after all of this time.....well, I'm not sure there is a Mr. Right. In fact, I'm pretty sure that it's a silly dream that Disney made up to profit off of hopeless romantics like myself. And yet, the heart wants what it wants and no matter how illogical that thing would be, the brain cannot seem to override it. At least, mine can't.

It's all so confusing! I've exhausted myself just thinking of it. Time to tuck myself into bed and dream. Time to silence my heart and my mind and get some rest.

Time Changes All Things?

My kids have been growning right before my eyes. It doesn't seem that long ago that my twin boys fit between my hand and my elbow. Now I wonder if I only imagined them being that small. Time has certainly changed my babies.

I've been thinking a lot about how time has passed. It has been flowing like a river. When I was younger, it drifted like a gentle stream. I could pick my coarse as I saw fit. I could laze away and let it carry me, with no concern about where I was going.

Now time is like a raging river, deeper, stronger, with no control of where it takes me or how fast. I blink and I'm miles away from where I was. I can't staunch it and don't dare turn my back on it or I'll be swept under. What I wouldn't give for the carefree days of my youth.

It's been two years since I moved in with Handsome. Two years of navigating these waters with him. Time has changed so much around us, and yet, I wonder if it has changed enough. The raft that is our relationship doesn't seem strong enough to endure this trip some days. The biggest problem though is that we're both trying to captain the ship with different destinations in mind. We're fighting against each other instead of with each other and neither of us is willing to give up control.

I thought, perhaps, I was strong enough to let Handsome steer, but I find I do not like the direction he wants to take and there's only so much pride I wish to swallow. If I don't give up control, however, will be both end up too weak to make a difference when the time comes?

I'm no longer certain as to what to do. Do I give up control or kick his butt off my boat? I know I'll need to make a decision soon or we'll both be swept into the ocean before we know it. It's time for change. It's always time for change. I just wish I could make time stop just long enough to figure out the right thing to do. I wish there was enough time left. But there is never enough time, is there? Never enough.

Frustration and Theft

About six or so months ago, my laptop was stolen from my home. I think it was the most idiotic robbery in history. The culprit stole the powercord from my printer (which he left behind) and left behind the powercord from my laptop (which he stole). Not only that, but he stole the charger for my ipod and left my ipod lying right there on my desk. But the most stupid action belongs to me. In a moment of shear genius, I left ALL the doors unlocked when I left the house. Of course, I wasn't gone for more than fifteen minutes. We live in such a nice neighborhood. I just never thought it would happen to me. I guess that's what all victims think, huh?

I've had to do a lot of improvising since then. I've discovered that I can blog on my Wii and my PS3, though I can only type so many characters per entry on my PS3. Both are truly crappy when it comes to facebook, though the Wii is the better of the two there. Because of the type of platform they are, they do not support a lot of content.

Excitement and Frustration

I'm blogging from my PS3 today, so I don't know if I'll be able to get this to work right.

So, big news! I found the half brothers of my three kids on facebook. My ex husband had two sons from a previous marriage before I met him. I never got to meet these boys, and neither have my kids. I started searching for them when I left my ex, but their mother wouldn't respond to any of my attempts. I don't know if it's because she never got my letters or if there were other reasons. For all I know, she told her sons that their father was dead, so of course it would be hard to explain to them how they ended up with half-siblings.

Anyway, I recently started up the search again. I knew their first names and their mother's maiden name. Turns out that facebook is a handy little search tool when you're looking for people. There they were in my hometown and just a message away. I wrote "Drew" yesterday and can barely contain my excitement while waiting for a response.

I can't believe he ate the whole thing!

I am not what you would call a technology guru, but I am using the keyboard that my dog chewed up thanks to my highschool electronics class. Thank you Mr. Franchini, wherever you are.

I don't know the extent of the damage to the keyboard. I don't know if I got all the keys functioning when I fixed it. And it all could have been avoided by buying the wireless keyboard but I didn't feel like spending that much money. That's what I get for trying to be frugal.

Of course, it wouldn't have cost that much to replace the keyboard. It was only $13 at Wal-mart. Then again, I did fix it. I'm so dang proud of myself!

It's kind of funny. I've been focusing so much on all of the stuff that I can't do lately that I've forgotten about all of the stuff I can do, even if it's not all that well. I know how to change a tire. I can frame, mud, and paint with the best of them now (slight exaggeration). I can strip and solder wires. I can sew. I can fold a fitted sheet. In fact, I'm an adorable bundle of talent. Why did I ever forget that?

I guess it's easy to forget these things when you have so many people pointing out your failings and misgivings on a constant basis. Which brings us to the next question: Why in the world did I ever think this relationship was going to be good for me?

Handsome and I are not doing so well. That much is pretty obvious. What's not so obvious is what I'm going to do about it yet. When Handsome is not on my case about absolutely EVERYTHING, he's a pretty swell guy. If we were just friends, I think we'd be great for each other. Romantically speaking, it's just not working out the way I had hoped. Then again, none of my relationships have worked out the way I wanted, so maybe the fault lies with what I want?

Anyway, I know that I need to do more growing before I make a decision about Handsome and I. No sense in going off half-cocked and blowing something that could have been great with a little work. There's also no sense in wasting time on something that never would have worked. So confusing.

I guess I just need to figure out exactly what it is that I need and what I'd be willing to sacrifice to get my needs filled. Maybe I should quit reaching out for a star when I have a candle in front of me to light my way.

It's all so chaotic, my thoughts and my life. I've been caught up in this whirlwind and I haven't been able to focus in on any one thing. There's problems with my kids, and getting back to school, and with Handsome, and with my family, and as always with the house. I can't even tell up from down anymore, and I guess I was hoping that Handsome would be a rooting force in my life, but I think he's hoping for the same from me and I'm not very good at being anyone's rock.

All I know is that it's late and I have to get up early tomorrow. I'm praying so hard that the kids don't get a snow day. Please, please don't let the snow cover the roads! I'm supposed to go somewhere with a friend tomorrow and I don't think it will be possible with four tag-alongs. Not that they're that badly behaved in public. Just that they get bored so easily and this promises to be a pretty mundane task. Please, please no snow.

Oh, funny thought. Do you know how you prayed for snow days as a kid and how it never seemed to snow much at all, and now as an adult, it won't quit snowing? Do you think it's God's sense of humor showing that he answers your prayers for snow that you made as a kid when you've finally got kids of your own and view snowdays as evil? Hmmmm, something to think about.

Anyhoo, I obviously need some sleep. As always, it's pretty random, but now I'm wondering if it even makes sense anymore. Just blame it on all the cold medicine I'm on if you can't make heads or tails of this tonight. I'm just writing because I'm so proud of fixing my keyboard by myself and I wanted to test it out. Works well enough for me!

100 Posts Later....

It's my 100th posting and my first post of 2010. Seems like only yesterday that I started this blog for me English class. I think this was the greatest assignment I ever received.

I can't believe how much has changed in all this time. Sexy is now married (not to me). I found this out today and I'm proud to say that I didn't desolve into a fit of tears. I wanted to, but I didn't. I guess I knew it was coming, and though I chose not to think about it, I did prepare myself for it in a way. I'm happy to see that he's got his life out of the gutter and that he's truly happy. Of course, I can't stop the feelings of anger and resentment. Guess that's just the nature of the beast.

Handome and I are not doing so well. I read over the first few postings where I mentioned him and I noticed a lot of things have changed there as well. He no longer treats me like a princess. He's not beating me or cheating on me. It's nothing like that. I guess we've just gotten to the point in our relationship where everything is taken for granted and there's no longer any communication. I bear part of the blame for this, I guess. Honestly, I quit trying to talk to the guy. It just seems so pointless.

I seem to be falling victim to the three year curse again. I never seem to make it past the three year mark with any guy, no matter how much I may want to. It's not always for the same exact reason, but there are similarities. It always comes back to trust and commitment. I can't seem to find a guy who will give me either one of those things. Not truly and whole-heartedly.

I think that this time will be different though. Not that I'm holding out much hope of reaching the three year mark. I think I'll be doing the break-up different though. First of all, I don't intend to pick up and move in a blaze of fury this time. I think I'll stay right were I am. I have no intention of starting this mess over again and I have to think about the impact it will have on my kids. They never got to know Sexy, so leaving him was no big deal. They know Handsome all too well, so losing him would be hard on them. Also, I'm attached to his kids, so it would tear them up to lose another mother figure.

Basically, I see no benefit in removing myself from the pan and placing myself in the fire anymore. It's time to do things different. It's time to focus on my needs and the needs of my children. It's time to go back to school, finish my book(s), start a career. It's time to work on my foundation.

Yeah, yeah, I know. We've heard this all before, haven't we? I'm always saying how it will be different and how I'm never doing this again and I go and repeat history. What can I say? I'm a little thick-headed and it takes quite a beating before it sinks in. No, scratch that. The problem is in my heart, not my head. My head has faced reality, but my treachorous heart still believes in "The One". Curse you, Disney!

So now the new year has begun. I'll be turning 30 this year, and I'm nowhere near where I should be on a personal level. I keep thinking on how I have coasted through my life with no plan for being permanently single. I guess I always figured I'd find that special someone to make my life complete. Looking back on all of my relationships though, I'm begining to realize that a man is not the answer. At least, not for me.

My resolution may be a little late in coming this year, but better late than never. My resolution is this: Stop taking myself for granted. Stop wasting all of this time on wishes and hopes and get down to the nitty-gritty of life. Focus on what I do have and not on what I want to have. I have three beautiful children who will always love me, trust me, and be committed to me. I have an endless supply of potential that is not being tapped into. I have a fresh start, begining right this moment. It's time to go forwards, not backwards. And dang it all, it's time to grow up and get with the program.