Letting Go

I recently threw a baby shower for my littlest sister. It turned out pretty good despite the fact that few people showed. The food could of been better, but Mom was in charge of that. One of the games flopped because there wasn't enough people to play. Thankfully, I'm quick on my feet and thought of a back-up game. The best part, however, was one of the things I planned. I bought a scrapbook and had everyone who attended make a scrapbook page. Each page had a box on it for the person to list their name and a spot for them to say something personal, informative, or funny to my sister. We took lots of pictures during the whole thing, so it's just a matter of cut and paste to finish it. Isn't that brilliant?

Of course, I was too busy hosting to make a page from me. I thought about it shortly after the shower and decided I was definitely going to do one. I thought about what I would write in the box to share with my sister about having a baby. It didn't take long to figure out. If my sister needs any advice, it's this:

God gives us children to hold so we can learn how to let go.

I know, it sounds like a Hallmark card, but it's so true. Since the moment of conception, I had to learn to let go of a lot of things.

The first was my sense of modesty. You have numerous doctors, nurses, lab techs, and assistants poking and prodding you from every angle. You have every reckless decision you made as a teen evaluated, re-evaluated, and analysed. Your territorial bubble is invaded by countless women as they rub your belly, whether it bulges or not. Your body becomes public space the second you share it with new life, and you can either dwell in your humility and shame or let go and except it.

The second thing I had to let go of was my vanity. Stretchmarks, pants with spandex panels, and the disappointing day after delivery when you still look 6 months pregnant leave little to feel sexy about. I was a size two before pregnancy and a size twelve after. Not to mention, I wasn't even out of maternity clothes when I discovered the boys were on their way.

Next, I had to let go of control. When the twins came around I also had an eleven-month-old daughter at home who was learning how to walk. Between dishes, laundry, babies, doctors, my job and my then husband, there was too many things to do and not enough hours in the day. I didn't want anyone else doing my chores because they didn't do them the way I liked them done. However, I learned that getting them done was more important than getting them done right.

After that, I learned how to let go of the things I only thought were important. Countless belongings have now been demolished, countless desires shelved for another day. Your priorities become rearranged and you discover that there are larger things in this world than yourself. It's a hard lesson. Very hard. Especially when your favorite necklace that your grandmother gave you rides The Porcelain Express.

I've had to learn to let go of a lot of things, and I face more in the future. For instance, letting go of the bike so they can learn how to crash. There's also learning to let them go as they strike out in the world, totally independent and naive. The only thing that makes it worth it is the things you get to keep. You get to keep their love, and the precious memories. You get to keep fingerpaintings they did in Kindergarten and macaroni necklaces to replace the one that got flushed. You get to keep the peace you gained when you learned that control is an illusion.

I've definately received more than I've lost in this little venture. I'm sure my sister will too. It's what parenthood is all about.