I'm in a pretty humble mood tonight. It happens from time to time when I think about where I am in life and where I could be. I'm not one of those people who spend my time thinking about the "what if's". Not in the sense of wanting things to change anyway.
See, I'm one of those fortunate people who feel they are, well, fortunate. I'm not rich. I'm not famous. I don't have a Nobel prize or a Grammy. I'm just your average American girl. Another statistic, one might say. The thing is, I love it. So, when I think about what could have been, I think about how lucky I am to be where I'm at, chaos and all.
I can't say that I'm totally content with my lot in life. I just don't think that there's anyone to blame but myself. I've made some mistakes. However, I'm pretty happy with my mistakes too. All of them have helped me grow into the person I see in the mirror each morning. I'm okay with that. There's things I'd like to change, but most of them are minor. Let's face it, I'm the total package the way that I am. I'm pretty. Not in the supermodel, fashionista, ice princess kinda way. My charm is more natural, and I'm grateful for that. Think of all the time I'd lose on the pointless endeavor of remaining perfect. Because in the end, it's a losing battle. I'm smart. I'm not a genius, but I can add, spell (most of the time), figure out how to assemble toddler toys by the directions in the box, and I can usually find a way to figure out solutions to all my problems within reason. So much better than being totally booksmart with no common sense, or being streetsmart with no understanding of figures or words. I'm a lot of things that most people don't give any consideration to being.
I'm truly blessed, this I know without a doubt. I have three beautiful, smart (crazy smart), gifted children. I have a romance that most women would die for. It's not perfect, but that's what makes it so amazing. Sexy is so real. I'd have to write a novel to explain that, but those who truly love their mates know what I'm talking about. I feel like such a fraud sometimes. I feel like I'm living a life that someone better than me deserves, but here is this real guy, a guy who struggles and succeeds, a guy who loves with such great passion, a guy who's capable of changing the world, and he loves me, flaws and all. I have the best family and friends in the world. They all have such deep capability to love and give of themselves. They see me to the very depths of my soul and they support the person I am. I am blessed. So blessed. I can't even begin to describe how blessed I am. And I don't know why God feels that I am so deserving of such blessing, but I am so humbled by it. There are so many people out there that could do more with the gifts that I have been given.
If there is one thing I could change about my life, it would be that. I would do more. I would give more. I'd be more patient, more tolerant, more kind. And I guess that doesn't mean I couldn't start now. Why waste time with regrets when you can just change the way things are?
It's times like these, when I'm thinking about all that I am, and all I could be, that I feel a sadness. It seems so strange that I would get a moment of such deep understanding, but lose such insight when enduring the trials of life. I get so caught up in the moment that I often forget my good intentions. That would be a thing I'd change. My ability to remember the really important things.
I guess that's why I feel like such a fraud. I have this ability to understand the greater truths of life. I don't question why I'm here. I know why I have the challenges I have. I know why I have life. I just don't do what I'm supposed to do with it. I make excuses instead. I didn't give change to the bell ringers at Christmas because I didn't have time to stop and dig through my purse. I didn't take the time I should have with my loved ones because I had other responsibilities to tend to. I've wasted so much time. And time is a fragile thing. It's so easily lost, lost forever. We think that because it lives on through our minds as memories that it's not really gone, but it is.
I suppose it's a shame, but it took my upcoming biopsy to make me think of this. I guess that I know that everything will be okay, but I feel like it would be so egotistical of me to believe that I'm untouchable. You see, I've said that God wouldn't take me from this Earth until my kids are grown. I'm such a better parent than my ex. God wouldn't take me from them and leave them to their father, who couldn't possibly understand things enough to teach them how to understand in turn. But I can't help but wonder, am I really any better? Would they really learn so much from me, the one who takes her blessings for granted? You see, I'm a firm believer that parents are there only as guides for young minds to learn from. The truth is, they are not really gifts to me. I don't own them. Never have. I belong to them, actually. Yes, I helped give them life, but now their life is theirs, not mine. I'm just here to teach them all that I know, to show them how to love, to teach them about faith, to give them my understanding so that they can build on it and become better people that I ever dreamed of being.
You see, I really am blessed. To believe that I am qualified enough to do such an important job would be vain of me. I have such amazing potential in the palm of my hands to mold. I have been gifted with this incredible task, but I know that I alone am not worthy. So, God made sure that I had enough struggle to strengthen me for it. God made sure that I had truly amazing people around me to help support me with this job.
I'm not trying to be preachy. Most people who know me couldn't even begin to understand the depths of my faith. No, this is not just an attempt to sing praise, though I don't doubt that I should be doing that more as well. I'm not ever sure what I'm trying to do. Perhaps this is my way of thanking everyone for being a part of my life. I probably don't deserve your time, your concern, your love (even love in the smallest form), but you give it just the same. Every moment a person gives of their fragile, fleeting time is a moment of love. You may not even have me on your Christmas card list, but you care enough to take a moment to read this. And yeah, that just blows my mind.
Perhaps this is just a way to sort this out in my own mind. I don't feel as if I am worthy of all that I have been given. Even the hard times are a gift. I may bitch and moan about them, quite frequently actually, but I've taken something valuable out of each trial I've faced. In becoming a single parent, I have learned to appreciate all the blessings I have in my family and friends. I haven't learned to act on them the way I need to yet, but I'm still working on it. In the struggles I've faced in fixing up my home, I've learned to value all the things it takes to make a home and all the things my parents have done over the years to provide a home for me and my siblings. In having extra responsibility placed on my shoulders to care for myself and my children, I have learned to cherish the fruits of my labor and not take for granted that these things are owed to me as a member of the human race. Even in the "involuntary volunteer work" that I'm required to do to keep the assistance I've applied for due to the lack of support from my ex, I have found small treasures. I have found people who make an attempt to support me during my trials for no more reason than they want to help me succeed. They owe me nothing, they get nothing but my gratitude for their help. And still, they give. I have met people who are facing bigger trials than I with less means to overcome them. It gives me humility. They have less, and yet, many of them work so much harder than I. I've met people that I would have turned from before being required to tend to them. I've discovered how flawed I truly am and how much work I need to do on myself to be worthy of the gifts I have been given. Yes, perhaps this is a way to sort this out in my head. Perhaps by writing this all out, I have seen how much I have grown over the last couple of years and how to grow further so that I can live up to my potential. Maybe I am discovering why I am so blessed by exploring what I do have.
Hmmm, this reminds me, Thanksgiving is almost here. I didn't even give this much thought before. I learned the reason for the season, but I guess I didn't truly apply it to my life. And boy, do I ever have a lot to be thankful for. This also gives me an idea about a new tradition to start with my kids. I think that I shall pick a day in November to sit down with my kids and start a list of all the things to appreciate about our lives and why we're appreciative of them. Then, when we sit down for that enormous Thanksgiving dinner that my wonderful family creates, we can go over that list. Maybe then, we might fully realize the bounty we have before us. And perhaps, while we fill our bellies with good food, our ears with laughter, and our hearts with love, we can also fill our minds with understanding and help each other learn how to show those people that we are grateful to how much they mean to us.
See, I may not be worthy of the blessings I have, but I'll be content with myself as long as I keep acknowledging I have them and trying to be worthy of them. In the end, I know that is what I'm meant to do. It is my purpose in this world. And to start, I just want to say to anyone who has read this far, thank you.
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