Nothing

About the time I start to understand things, the foundation of these things change. I sometimes wonder what it is that I'm doing wrong that this world is so chaotic for me. I know people who only see this world in black and white. I've only seen shades of grey. I've always felt that my way was the right way, but I've envied those others so much. It's so simple for them. There is only right and wrong, love and hate, day and night. There is no between. It is such a simple way to live.

Tonight is such a hard night for me. I'm so torn. I want something, but in order to make someone I love happy, I have to let it go. Only, I'll be so devestated to lose it. How do you solve a problem like that?

I guess I should explain, but for once I don't want to. I'm not even sure why I started writing tonight. I guess it's because that there seems so much left unsaid. I'm losing something so dear to me, and it's gone in the blink of an eye, no warning. A big piece of your life is gone in a nanosecond, and you don't get the opportunity to bring it back and make it come out different.

Different. If I could make things different. I'm not sure what I'd change, really. I don't have any regrets. I loved him. I treated him the way I wanted him to treat me. There's nothing I could change to make things end differently.

I just want to know, did he ever love me at all, or did I lie to myself this whole time? Did he cling to a kind touch because he was down? Did I give him too much, make it too easy for him? I just want to understand. That's all. Why is that so hard?