I've been slacking off a bit in my responsibilities lately. For this, I am feeling a bit guilty. My kids are still getting proper care and I'm not living in a dump, but I'm not meeting the expectations I have for myself either. I've been spending a lot of time with my nose in a book or sleeping during my free time. I know I should rectify this as soon as possible, but I'm feeling very selfish at the moment. It seems like I do a lot of things for other people but very little for myself.
Part of the problem with getting myself motivated is that it seem like everything I've taken on lately is a never-ending task. Wash, fold, scrub, pick up, drive, repair, paint, work, work, work. Get some sleep then start again. It's almost odd. I crave stability but hate the monotony of it. Maybe this is why I pursue Sexy so much. Nothing is ever monotonous with him. Everything is passionate.....intense.
I've been giving a lot of thought about this in the last couple of weeks. I like being aware of the reasons for why I do something. I also like making a forward progress towards my goals. Only lately, it seems as though I'm moving more in circles than anything. It's one step forward and two steps back. It's frustrating.
I can't say that it's all been hopeless. I am getting closer to being independent. I'm getting further on the repairs to my new home. I'm not as far as I think I should be or hoped I would be, but I'm getting there. Each day brings me another step or two closer and gives me a small sense of victory. The only question now is if I'll be ready when my place is. It will be the first time I've lived somewhere as the only adult. I'm excited, but I'm also a little frightened. I worry that I'm not up to the task of doing it all on my own. I've been sharing my responsibilities for as long as I can remember. But this time is different. I'm totally responsible and I have people counting on me to take care of my responsibilities.
Anyway, speaking of responsibilities, I'd best be going. I need to hit the sack so I can get up early and get some work done. I've procrastinated long enough. I won't have that luxury much longer, so I'd best get prepared for it now. Say a prayer and wish me luck. I can use all of it.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
A Cut Above The Rest
The thing I love and hate most about my life is that I never know what the day will bring. My life doesn't follow any sort of structure, even though I crave it. What I want most out of life is stability, to know, day to day, what to expect. At the same time, I never get bored. I always have the possibility of adventure every day I wake up.
I suppose that's one of the reasons I love Sexy so much. My relationship with him fits in with the rest of my life so well. Each day with him is an adventure. It's both wonderful and frustrating. While I crave stability with him, I also love the fact that any time, any place, we can find ourselve pushing the boundaries and each other's buttons.
Lord, that man gets me fired up! He's my fantasies in flesh. And no, this is not a purely sexual comment. I want more from a guy than a good toss. Eventually, the passion fizzles if there's nothing to back it up. But I'm not worried about it with him. He's got everything I'm looking for, and a few things I didn't know to look for. And his smile. Good Heaven, his smile! I'm not superficial, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate his good looks too.
I could make a list a mile long about all the qualities in Sexy that draw me to the man. In fact, I actually made that list already, before I even met him. A friend of mine from Kansas once told me that if I was going to find the man I really wanted, I'd first have to know what kind of man I wanted. She suggested I make a list of all the qualities I wanted in a significant other and post it in a place I'd see every day. She said once I knew what I was looking for, I'd find it.
Well, I made my list, but I tucked it away in a drawer when I was done. I didn't take it out again until several years later, long after Sexy and I started seeing each other. And you know what? He had every quality I listed. Go figure. I didn't even have to look at my list every day. Once I had really though about what I was looking for, it stuck in the back of my head. It's probably one of the reasons I was never really content with my ex-husband. He didn't have what it took to make my list. He lacked most of the important qualities I needed.
I don't have my list anymore. I gave it to Sexy at one point, just to show him that I had been looking for him for a long time. I don't know what he did with it after that. I really don't need it in any case. I found what I was looking for. I found the man that touches me on every level. I found the man that inspires my creativity and my passion. I found the one who has strength where I am weak, who compliments me in every way that matters. I am so, so lucky.
I imagaine that he will continue to drive me up the wall on occasion. I'm also sure I'll do the same for him. I would bet on the fact that we haven't seen the last of our troubles. I'd also bet that we'll be able to fire each other up until our dying breaths. I'm not much of a gambling person and I've always felt like the odds of finding my "soul mate" were pretty slim, but I can't deny the fact that it's happened. I feel complete when I'm laying there beside him.
Yeah, I may not know everything that my day will bring, but that's okay. As long as it brings me another moment with Sexy, I'll be happy. Even if he's driving me crazy and refusing to see sense, I'll be happy. Because whatever we do, I know we'll do it with great passion. Lord, I love that man!
I suppose that's one of the reasons I love Sexy so much. My relationship with him fits in with the rest of my life so well. Each day with him is an adventure. It's both wonderful and frustrating. While I crave stability with him, I also love the fact that any time, any place, we can find ourselve pushing the boundaries and each other's buttons.
Lord, that man gets me fired up! He's my fantasies in flesh. And no, this is not a purely sexual comment. I want more from a guy than a good toss. Eventually, the passion fizzles if there's nothing to back it up. But I'm not worried about it with him. He's got everything I'm looking for, and a few things I didn't know to look for. And his smile. Good Heaven, his smile! I'm not superficial, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate his good looks too.
I could make a list a mile long about all the qualities in Sexy that draw me to the man. In fact, I actually made that list already, before I even met him. A friend of mine from Kansas once told me that if I was going to find the man I really wanted, I'd first have to know what kind of man I wanted. She suggested I make a list of all the qualities I wanted in a significant other and post it in a place I'd see every day. She said once I knew what I was looking for, I'd find it.
Well, I made my list, but I tucked it away in a drawer when I was done. I didn't take it out again until several years later, long after Sexy and I started seeing each other. And you know what? He had every quality I listed. Go figure. I didn't even have to look at my list every day. Once I had really though about what I was looking for, it stuck in the back of my head. It's probably one of the reasons I was never really content with my ex-husband. He didn't have what it took to make my list. He lacked most of the important qualities I needed.
I don't have my list anymore. I gave it to Sexy at one point, just to show him that I had been looking for him for a long time. I don't know what he did with it after that. I really don't need it in any case. I found what I was looking for. I found the man that touches me on every level. I found the man that inspires my creativity and my passion. I found the one who has strength where I am weak, who compliments me in every way that matters. I am so, so lucky.
I imagaine that he will continue to drive me up the wall on occasion. I'm also sure I'll do the same for him. I would bet on the fact that we haven't seen the last of our troubles. I'd also bet that we'll be able to fire each other up until our dying breaths. I'm not much of a gambling person and I've always felt like the odds of finding my "soul mate" were pretty slim, but I can't deny the fact that it's happened. I feel complete when I'm laying there beside him.
Yeah, I may not know everything that my day will bring, but that's okay. As long as it brings me another moment with Sexy, I'll be happy. Even if he's driving me crazy and refusing to see sense, I'll be happy. Because whatever we do, I know we'll do it with great passion. Lord, I love that man!
Bliss (Once Again)
JOY! Heaven help me, I'm so happy I could burst! I'm skipping around the house like a schoolgirl with her first crush. I'm singing off key and dancing with my children and laughing like I haven't laughed in a long time.
I imagine that it's difficult for those who ride my emotional roller coaster with me. It must be so exhausting. One day happy, the next sad, the next ecstatic. It exhausts me too, but I love it. I feel so much, so deeply. After years upon years of being numb and on the outside, I'm finally deep in the middle of something so intense that I'm frozen in awe.
Yes, Sexy and I have reconciled. It was beautiful. It was perfect. I'm smiling so hard my face feels like it will crack. I love him. I love him and it doesn't matter what happened. We still have so much to conquer, but we'll do it together.
I can't write much at the moment. I have a lot of things yet to finish and the natives are getting restless. Kert is flushing shampoo down the toilet and Cody & Desi are fighting again. I shall, however, be back on later when everything has settled down, including myself. I'm so happy! I just wanted everyone to know that everything has worked out. I can get that tattoo of Sexy's name on my butt now. Yay!
I imagine that it's difficult for those who ride my emotional roller coaster with me. It must be so exhausting. One day happy, the next sad, the next ecstatic. It exhausts me too, but I love it. I feel so much, so deeply. After years upon years of being numb and on the outside, I'm finally deep in the middle of something so intense that I'm frozen in awe.
Yes, Sexy and I have reconciled. It was beautiful. It was perfect. I'm smiling so hard my face feels like it will crack. I love him. I love him and it doesn't matter what happened. We still have so much to conquer, but we'll do it together.
I can't write much at the moment. I have a lot of things yet to finish and the natives are getting restless. Kert is flushing shampoo down the toilet and Cody & Desi are fighting again. I shall, however, be back on later when everything has settled down, including myself. I'm so happy! I just wanted everyone to know that everything has worked out. I can get that tattoo of Sexy's name on my butt now. Yay!
One Hard Day
Written September 14th, 11:30 p.m.
Today was a hard day. I woke up after only three and a half hours of sleep feeling like someone had punched me in the gut. I wanted to go back to sleep. I tried to go back to sleep. It didn’t work.
So, I got up. It may not have been the hardest thing I did all day, but it was quite an accomplishment. I wouldn’t have done so if not for a doctor’s appointment. It was too late to call and cancel it, so I left the comfort and security of my covers.
I think this is the first (and probably only) time I have enjoyed the wait in the reception area. I thumbed through a magazine dated from February of last year. It had Valentine’s treats and cards on the cover. I probably should have caved at the sight, but I didn’t link it to my current situation. I didn’t really read it either. I looked at the pictures, the clothing and accessories, the craft ideas. I didn’t think of Sexy for 45 minutes.
I went back to my house after my visit. I hate driving. I think too much when I drive. Mom and Dad were both waiting for me when I walked in the door. Mom knew something was up right away. I didn’t have to say a word and she knew. She prodded as mothers are prone to do. I told her I didn’t want to talk about it. Talking about it means thinking about it. I didn’t want to think about it.
I guess you don’t always get what you want because, despite the fact that I refused to talk about it, I kept thinking these thoughts. I thought about how I finally understood how people can die from a broken heart. I never really understood it before. I thought I did, but I really had no clue. When the pain is so intense that you vomit, then you start to understand.
The rest of my day was filled with small misfortunes. A missed deadline here, a lost item there. I didn’t even have the strength to get upset. My mom was there with me through it all. She tried to help carry my burden, but I wasn’t ready to share. I felt like a sweater, all frayed and worn, and releasing one iota of my rigid control would unravel me. I knew that my mom felt my pain and talking about it would help heal her, and I wanted to. I didn’t want her to be worried about me. I couldn’t, however.
I picked my kids up from my ex tonight. I was worried about it. I didn’t feel as if I was up to facing them. I just wanted to sink back into bed and sleep. Only sleep wasn’t an option. They needed me. I needed them too. I didn’t even realize it until I got them home. I held them, played with them, smiled with them. I healed a little. I still have a long way to go, but it was a start.
I feel proud of myself for getting through the day. It was so hard, and I still ache so much. My bed still beckons me along with the blissful, empty slumber I’ll find there. I just wish I wasn’t so afraid of tomorrow. I’ll have to wake up again. I’ll have to leave my cocoon of oblivion again. But for now, I don’t have to think about it. I made it through today. I made it through today.
Today was a hard day. I woke up after only three and a half hours of sleep feeling like someone had punched me in the gut. I wanted to go back to sleep. I tried to go back to sleep. It didn’t work.
So, I got up. It may not have been the hardest thing I did all day, but it was quite an accomplishment. I wouldn’t have done so if not for a doctor’s appointment. It was too late to call and cancel it, so I left the comfort and security of my covers.
I think this is the first (and probably only) time I have enjoyed the wait in the reception area. I thumbed through a magazine dated from February of last year. It had Valentine’s treats and cards on the cover. I probably should have caved at the sight, but I didn’t link it to my current situation. I didn’t really read it either. I looked at the pictures, the clothing and accessories, the craft ideas. I didn’t think of Sexy for 45 minutes.
I went back to my house after my visit. I hate driving. I think too much when I drive. Mom and Dad were both waiting for me when I walked in the door. Mom knew something was up right away. I didn’t have to say a word and she knew. She prodded as mothers are prone to do. I told her I didn’t want to talk about it. Talking about it means thinking about it. I didn’t want to think about it.
I guess you don’t always get what you want because, despite the fact that I refused to talk about it, I kept thinking these thoughts. I thought about how I finally understood how people can die from a broken heart. I never really understood it before. I thought I did, but I really had no clue. When the pain is so intense that you vomit, then you start to understand.
The rest of my day was filled with small misfortunes. A missed deadline here, a lost item there. I didn’t even have the strength to get upset. My mom was there with me through it all. She tried to help carry my burden, but I wasn’t ready to share. I felt like a sweater, all frayed and worn, and releasing one iota of my rigid control would unravel me. I knew that my mom felt my pain and talking about it would help heal her, and I wanted to. I didn’t want her to be worried about me. I couldn’t, however.
I picked my kids up from my ex tonight. I was worried about it. I didn’t feel as if I was up to facing them. I just wanted to sink back into bed and sleep. Only sleep wasn’t an option. They needed me. I needed them too. I didn’t even realize it until I got them home. I held them, played with them, smiled with them. I healed a little. I still have a long way to go, but it was a start.
I feel proud of myself for getting through the day. It was so hard, and I still ache so much. My bed still beckons me along with the blissful, empty slumber I’ll find there. I just wish I wasn’t so afraid of tomorrow. I’ll have to wake up again. I’ll have to leave my cocoon of oblivion again. But for now, I don’t have to think about it. I made it through today. I made it through today.
Agony
Written September 14th, 3:00 a.m.
I don’t know how I function under the weight of my own agony. The air in my lungs, the beat of my heart, seem like such a mockery. The hope that refuses to die adds insult to injury. And it’s all for love. All for love.
I’m so confused and I’m so hurt. Every word that he said is a weight in my belly. I want to vomit them up, but they don’t move. I can’t scream. I can’t cry. I want to shout at the injustice of it all. I want to be angry. But I don’t have room for anger. His words, each one a razor, take up that space.
I just got out of the shower when he called. I had been waiting for his call. I told myself I wouldn’t run to him when he did, but I was getting ready to see him. I don’t know why I lie to myself. I know I don’t wear that perfume to go to bed. I wear it for him.
He asked me what I wanted. It’s the same question I’ve been asking myself for the past two weeks. I gave him the only answer I knew to give him, the only answer I knew for sure. I told him that I didn’t want to fight with him anymore.
He told me it was over. I didn’t want to fight with him. He told me he had been with another, a girl that had called herself my friend. I sat there in my towel, wearing the perfume that he likes. I sat there with my heart breaking. I could feel it, see it. My heart had left my chest and broke, right there before me.
I asked him who, but he wouldn’t say. I told him that I couldn’t do it anymore. I told him to give me my key back. He said he would tomorrow. I couldn’t wait. I couldn’t lay there in bed knowing that it was over, but not over. I couldn’t let my hope live.
I told him I’d be at his place in ten minutes to get my key. I hung up the phone and grabbed some clothes. I got them on right side out and front side forward. I don’t know how. I also grabbed the book I got him. It was about how our friendship was a true one. I grabbed the movies I bought him. He loves the Rocky movies. He has them on VHS but not DVD. I got him the DVDs so he could watch them over and over. I dreamt about laying beside him on his couch and watching them with him. I love being a part of what he’s passionate about. There was no way I could keep them. I couldn’t bear the reminder of what never was.
I pulled up in front of his house. I don’t remember driving. I didn’t think about it the whole way there. Couldn’t think about it. Didn’t want to remember making the trip a million times before. Didn’t want to think about it being my last time. I think it might be illegal to drive when you’re not breathing. I couldn’t hear the sound of the engine over the sound of my blood racing though my veins. So much pressure in my head and my chest. It was agony.
I knocked on his door. No answer. I knocked again. It seemed an eternity before his door opened. I looked at his feet. I couldn’t look up. I took the key from his hand and shoved the movies and book at him. He said something then, but I couldn’t speak. I turned around and never looked up. I couldn’t bear to look at his face, at his eyes. His eyes are a soft blue and so beautiful. I didn’t feel soft. I felt hard everywhere. I didn’t feel beautiful. I couldn’t look at his eyes.
His voice followed me back to my van. I didn’t turn around and I didn’t answer. I didn’t hear his words. The pressure wouldn’t let anything in or anything out. I closed the door. The engine was still running. I buckled my seat belt. It’s automatic. It has to be. My mind wasn’t functioning. I turned on my lights. I backed away from his door. He was standing there watching me leave. I looked at my dashboard. I looked at my mirrors. I looked at his car as I backed around it. I didn’t look at his face, or his beautiful eyes.
I drove. Home was my only destination. It was over. All I had to do was push the pedal. Push it down, but not too hard. I’d be safe soon. Push the pedal, don’t think.
I heard my phone ring. I heard the song that belonged to him. I thought I had left my phone at home. It wasn’t supposed to be with me. It wasn’t supposed to ring. It wasn’t supposed to be his song. I didn’t answer. I let it ring. I should have shut it off, but I wasn’t thinking.
I parked in front of my house. I ran inside. I put my purse down on the table. I stood there. I don’t know how long. A minute? Ten? A year? The phone rang again. It was his song. It was a knife to the chest. I couldn’t stop myself. I dug it out of my pants’ pocket. I don’t remember putting it there when I got dressed. I flipped it open.
“Don’t call me anymore. Don’t call,” I begged. I snapped it shut. I threw it down on my bed and watched it like one would a poisonous snake. My stomach churned. My throat closed. Then his song played again. His name showed up on the screen with a picture of a heart. The heart was whole. I hadn’t looked at the picture I set for him in a long time. A solid heart. No tears or cracks.
I couldn’t stop myself. I opened my phone and put it to my ear. I said something. I don’t remember what. He said he was sorry. The bile rose. Hope fluttered in my aching chest. God, the agony. He told me he hadn’t slept with my friend. He had lied to hurt me. He was sorry.
My foolish heart. My foolish hope. They fluttered. I ached. I struggled not to puke. The pain was so intense. He asked me if I was still there. I said I was. I could hardly talk. My mouth was dry. It was all behind my eyes. Pressure in my head. Pressure in my chest. He was sorry. He was being a jerk. I heard the words. I wanted to tell him that I had to go. I was going to be sick. I didn’t want him to hear me be sick. My hands were shaking. I couldn’t keep the phone to my ear. I needed to let him go. It was in my brain, but it wouldn’t move to my mouth. He said some more. He asked if I was still on the phone. I mumbled a yes. He said something about being a fool. He told me he loved me. He said he’d talk to me later and hung up the phone. I flipped my phone shut. I plugged in the charger. I walked to the bathroom and threw up.
I’m still shaking. My throat burns. My eyes burn. My chest hurts. My jaw hurts. I’m clenching it. The pain is still there. The hope is still there. I don’t know which is worse. I believe that he didn’t sleep with another. I don’t want to believe. I want to throw my perfume away. I want to take his ring tone off my phone. I want to erase that perfectly whole heart. I don’t want to see his eyes when I close mine. I want to hold him, touch him, taste him. I want to hear him say I love you again. I want it to be over. I never want it to end.
The pain is still with me. I don’t know what to do. He still believes I want another. He aches with it. I want to heal him. He’ll never have faith in me, in us. It hurts so much. We have nothing without trust. But I can’t seem to let go. I’m frozen, trapped by my desire. I long to be with him, even now. I want to let him go, to save him from suffering. I want to hold him forever. My foolish, stupid hope. It hangs on like a blade of grass in a field of mud. The more the sun burns it, the more the frost bites it, the more the feet trod it, the deeper the roots grow. It refuses to die. My love refuses to die.
I don’t know how I function under the weight of my own agony. The air in my lungs, the beat of my heart, seem like such a mockery. The hope that refuses to die adds insult to injury. And it’s all for love. All for love.
I’m so confused and I’m so hurt. Every word that he said is a weight in my belly. I want to vomit them up, but they don’t move. I can’t scream. I can’t cry. I want to shout at the injustice of it all. I want to be angry. But I don’t have room for anger. His words, each one a razor, take up that space.
I just got out of the shower when he called. I had been waiting for his call. I told myself I wouldn’t run to him when he did, but I was getting ready to see him. I don’t know why I lie to myself. I know I don’t wear that perfume to go to bed. I wear it for him.
He asked me what I wanted. It’s the same question I’ve been asking myself for the past two weeks. I gave him the only answer I knew to give him, the only answer I knew for sure. I told him that I didn’t want to fight with him anymore.
He told me it was over. I didn’t want to fight with him. He told me he had been with another, a girl that had called herself my friend. I sat there in my towel, wearing the perfume that he likes. I sat there with my heart breaking. I could feel it, see it. My heart had left my chest and broke, right there before me.
I asked him who, but he wouldn’t say. I told him that I couldn’t do it anymore. I told him to give me my key back. He said he would tomorrow. I couldn’t wait. I couldn’t lay there in bed knowing that it was over, but not over. I couldn’t let my hope live.
I told him I’d be at his place in ten minutes to get my key. I hung up the phone and grabbed some clothes. I got them on right side out and front side forward. I don’t know how. I also grabbed the book I got him. It was about how our friendship was a true one. I grabbed the movies I bought him. He loves the Rocky movies. He has them on VHS but not DVD. I got him the DVDs so he could watch them over and over. I dreamt about laying beside him on his couch and watching them with him. I love being a part of what he’s passionate about. There was no way I could keep them. I couldn’t bear the reminder of what never was.
I pulled up in front of his house. I don’t remember driving. I didn’t think about it the whole way there. Couldn’t think about it. Didn’t want to remember making the trip a million times before. Didn’t want to think about it being my last time. I think it might be illegal to drive when you’re not breathing. I couldn’t hear the sound of the engine over the sound of my blood racing though my veins. So much pressure in my head and my chest. It was agony.
I knocked on his door. No answer. I knocked again. It seemed an eternity before his door opened. I looked at his feet. I couldn’t look up. I took the key from his hand and shoved the movies and book at him. He said something then, but I couldn’t speak. I turned around and never looked up. I couldn’t bear to look at his face, at his eyes. His eyes are a soft blue and so beautiful. I didn’t feel soft. I felt hard everywhere. I didn’t feel beautiful. I couldn’t look at his eyes.
His voice followed me back to my van. I didn’t turn around and I didn’t answer. I didn’t hear his words. The pressure wouldn’t let anything in or anything out. I closed the door. The engine was still running. I buckled my seat belt. It’s automatic. It has to be. My mind wasn’t functioning. I turned on my lights. I backed away from his door. He was standing there watching me leave. I looked at my dashboard. I looked at my mirrors. I looked at his car as I backed around it. I didn’t look at his face, or his beautiful eyes.
I drove. Home was my only destination. It was over. All I had to do was push the pedal. Push it down, but not too hard. I’d be safe soon. Push the pedal, don’t think.
I heard my phone ring. I heard the song that belonged to him. I thought I had left my phone at home. It wasn’t supposed to be with me. It wasn’t supposed to ring. It wasn’t supposed to be his song. I didn’t answer. I let it ring. I should have shut it off, but I wasn’t thinking.
I parked in front of my house. I ran inside. I put my purse down on the table. I stood there. I don’t know how long. A minute? Ten? A year? The phone rang again. It was his song. It was a knife to the chest. I couldn’t stop myself. I dug it out of my pants’ pocket. I don’t remember putting it there when I got dressed. I flipped it open.
“Don’t call me anymore. Don’t call,” I begged. I snapped it shut. I threw it down on my bed and watched it like one would a poisonous snake. My stomach churned. My throat closed. Then his song played again. His name showed up on the screen with a picture of a heart. The heart was whole. I hadn’t looked at the picture I set for him in a long time. A solid heart. No tears or cracks.
I couldn’t stop myself. I opened my phone and put it to my ear. I said something. I don’t remember what. He said he was sorry. The bile rose. Hope fluttered in my aching chest. God, the agony. He told me he hadn’t slept with my friend. He had lied to hurt me. He was sorry.
My foolish heart. My foolish hope. They fluttered. I ached. I struggled not to puke. The pain was so intense. He asked me if I was still there. I said I was. I could hardly talk. My mouth was dry. It was all behind my eyes. Pressure in my head. Pressure in my chest. He was sorry. He was being a jerk. I heard the words. I wanted to tell him that I had to go. I was going to be sick. I didn’t want him to hear me be sick. My hands were shaking. I couldn’t keep the phone to my ear. I needed to let him go. It was in my brain, but it wouldn’t move to my mouth. He said some more. He asked if I was still on the phone. I mumbled a yes. He said something about being a fool. He told me he loved me. He said he’d talk to me later and hung up the phone. I flipped my phone shut. I plugged in the charger. I walked to the bathroom and threw up.
I’m still shaking. My throat burns. My eyes burn. My chest hurts. My jaw hurts. I’m clenching it. The pain is still there. The hope is still there. I don’t know which is worse. I believe that he didn’t sleep with another. I don’t want to believe. I want to throw my perfume away. I want to take his ring tone off my phone. I want to erase that perfectly whole heart. I don’t want to see his eyes when I close mine. I want to hold him, touch him, taste him. I want to hear him say I love you again. I want it to be over. I never want it to end.
The pain is still with me. I don’t know what to do. He still believes I want another. He aches with it. I want to heal him. He’ll never have faith in me, in us. It hurts so much. We have nothing without trust. But I can’t seem to let go. I’m frozen, trapped by my desire. I long to be with him, even now. I want to let him go, to save him from suffering. I want to hold him forever. My foolish, stupid hope. It hangs on like a blade of grass in a field of mud. The more the sun burns it, the more the frost bites it, the more the feet trod it, the deeper the roots grow. It refuses to die. My love refuses to die.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
You Only Miss Me When I'm Gone (Poem)
You Only Miss Me When I’m Gone
You only miss me
when I’m gone.
You only love me
when I’m leavin’.
I should’ve known it
all along.
It’s always been this way
between us.
You only want
what you can’t have.
Well, you won’t be
havin’ me for long.
‘Cause you only miss me
when I’m gone.
You only miss me
when I’m gone.
I was always there when
you were lonely.
I never argued,
it is true.
But when it was me
who needed someone.
I looked around,
but where was you?
I never asked you for
the whole world.
Just a shoulder
when I cried.
I guess it’s still too much
to ask for,
for you to be there
by my side.
‘Cause you only miss me
when I’m gone.
You only love me
when I’m leavin’.
I should’ve know it
all along.
It’s always been this way
between us.
You only want
what you can’t have.
Well, you won’t be
havin’ me for long.
‘Cause you only miss me
when I’m gone.
You only miss me
when I’m gone.
You only miss me
when I’m gone.
You only love me
when I’m leavin’.
I should’ve known it
all along.
It’s always been this way
between us.
You only want
what you can’t have.
Well, you won’t be
havin’ me for long.
‘Cause you only miss me
when I’m gone.
You only miss me
when I’m gone.
I was always there when
you were lonely.
I never argued,
it is true.
But when it was me
who needed someone.
I looked around,
but where was you?
I never asked you for
the whole world.
Just a shoulder
when I cried.
I guess it’s still too much
to ask for,
for you to be there
by my side.
‘Cause you only miss me
when I’m gone.
You only love me
when I’m leavin’.
I should’ve know it
all along.
It’s always been this way
between us.
You only want
what you can’t have.
Well, you won’t be
havin’ me for long.
‘Cause you only miss me
when I’m gone.
You only miss me
when I’m gone.
Nin-laws
Okay, so I'm a sucker. Just call me Cleopatra, queen of denial. Of course, if things would just go the way I expect them to, I wouldn't be caught off guard and with my defenses down.
Well, I won't leave you in suspense (I know it's killing you). I got a text message from Sexy last night. I didn't actually expect to hear from him for at least two months, if ever again. The fact that he seemed almost friendly really threw me off. I began to wonder if he had been abducted by aliens or something.
Of course, it wasn't alien abduction. What happened was that his mother laid into him. I haven't really spent much time around his mom, but I get the impression that she's not a lady to raise her voice. Sexy has a very deep respect for her. So if she does raise her voice and at the actions of her son, he apparently listens (for a change).
If I have one regret about how my relationship with Sexy has progressed, it would be that I didn't push getting to know his family better. I've met his younger brother a couple of times at the bar. I've met one of his older brothers a couple of times when myself or a family member needed a tow. His mom and dad, I met once for about ten minutes. Still, I have very warm feelings for his family and this just cements it. I'm officially in love with his family.
Okay, train of though derail, what do you call the family members of a guy you're sorta seeing? Would they be nin-laws?
Well, if that's the case, my nin-laws are smart people. I mean, I've been dating Sexy for over two years now, and I've been around his mom for ten minutes of it and she knows better than Sexy does that I'm nuts about him. Smart, smart lady.
Of course, I'm not sure if this really changes anything. She may have read him the riot act about the way he treats me, but that doesn't mean he's changed his mind. I'm pretty sure he still thinks I'm foolin' around. And I haven't quite forgiven him for his accusations. I'm pretty offended about the names he called me and still quite pissed about the purse violation.
I'm really at a loss of where to go from here. Do I let him earn his way back into my good graces? I know I'll forgive him. I can't help myself. I just can't stay angry with anyone, hardly. There's been a couple of people I've stayed mad at, but they really worked at it. And they didn't have Sexy's smile, God help me. Do I end the romance but keep the friendship? Is that even possible?
I could drive myself nuts thinking about it all night. And let me tell you, the emotional whirlpool I'm in right now is just plain crazy. Angry, sad, happy, anxious. One leads right into another so that there's no way to tell when one stops and another begins. I don't know if all of this is worth it. But how do you just walk away?
I almost wish he would've taken a couple of months to contact me, instead of right away. I would've had time to think things through a little better. Maybe he would've too. Maybe our emotions would've settled down enough by that time to pick a course of action. I hate this feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, we've talked to each other briefly the last couple of nights, but there's been no mention of what happened or any talk of feelings or such. No, I love you or sorry or miss you. It's been pretty casual, which belies the intensity I know we are both feeling right now. It's like we're both waiting for something. I'm just not sure what that something is. I know it's not an apology. I don't have a reason to apologize and he's not going to give one. Even if he did, I can't say it would help with the way I'm feeling. It just seems like this thing was so monumental and something monumental should come from it, not just casual talk. It seems wrong.
I guess the first thing I should do is ask myself where I want to go from here. It seems like such an easy question. Well, it is. It's the answer that's so hard. Still, the journey of a lifetime begins with a single step, doesn't it? I wonder though, is there a way to non-divorce the boy toy but keep the nin-laws? They're so cool! Anyone who can make Sexy see even a little bit of reason is a person to know. I am so in awe.
Well, I won't leave you in suspense (I know it's killing you). I got a text message from Sexy last night. I didn't actually expect to hear from him for at least two months, if ever again. The fact that he seemed almost friendly really threw me off. I began to wonder if he had been abducted by aliens or something.
Of course, it wasn't alien abduction. What happened was that his mother laid into him. I haven't really spent much time around his mom, but I get the impression that she's not a lady to raise her voice. Sexy has a very deep respect for her. So if she does raise her voice and at the actions of her son, he apparently listens (for a change).
If I have one regret about how my relationship with Sexy has progressed, it would be that I didn't push getting to know his family better. I've met his younger brother a couple of times at the bar. I've met one of his older brothers a couple of times when myself or a family member needed a tow. His mom and dad, I met once for about ten minutes. Still, I have very warm feelings for his family and this just cements it. I'm officially in love with his family.
Okay, train of though derail, what do you call the family members of a guy you're sorta seeing? Would they be nin-laws?
Well, if that's the case, my nin-laws are smart people. I mean, I've been dating Sexy for over two years now, and I've been around his mom for ten minutes of it and she knows better than Sexy does that I'm nuts about him. Smart, smart lady.
Of course, I'm not sure if this really changes anything. She may have read him the riot act about the way he treats me, but that doesn't mean he's changed his mind. I'm pretty sure he still thinks I'm foolin' around. And I haven't quite forgiven him for his accusations. I'm pretty offended about the names he called me and still quite pissed about the purse violation.
I'm really at a loss of where to go from here. Do I let him earn his way back into my good graces? I know I'll forgive him. I can't help myself. I just can't stay angry with anyone, hardly. There's been a couple of people I've stayed mad at, but they really worked at it. And they didn't have Sexy's smile, God help me. Do I end the romance but keep the friendship? Is that even possible?
I could drive myself nuts thinking about it all night. And let me tell you, the emotional whirlpool I'm in right now is just plain crazy. Angry, sad, happy, anxious. One leads right into another so that there's no way to tell when one stops and another begins. I don't know if all of this is worth it. But how do you just walk away?
I almost wish he would've taken a couple of months to contact me, instead of right away. I would've had time to think things through a little better. Maybe he would've too. Maybe our emotions would've settled down enough by that time to pick a course of action. I hate this feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, we've talked to each other briefly the last couple of nights, but there's been no mention of what happened or any talk of feelings or such. No, I love you or sorry or miss you. It's been pretty casual, which belies the intensity I know we are both feeling right now. It's like we're both waiting for something. I'm just not sure what that something is. I know it's not an apology. I don't have a reason to apologize and he's not going to give one. Even if he did, I can't say it would help with the way I'm feeling. It just seems like this thing was so monumental and something monumental should come from it, not just casual talk. It seems wrong.
I guess the first thing I should do is ask myself where I want to go from here. It seems like such an easy question. Well, it is. It's the answer that's so hard. Still, the journey of a lifetime begins with a single step, doesn't it? I wonder though, is there a way to non-divorce the boy toy but keep the nin-laws? They're so cool! Anyone who can make Sexy see even a little bit of reason is a person to know. I am so in awe.
Friday, September 7, 2007
End of an Era
I guess all's fair when love is war. It doesn't feel very fair though. It doesn't seem fair that I should suffer any for the mistakes of others. I don't believe it's fair that I should lose something that meant so much to me after finally finding it after all this time. But I guess I shouldn't complain. I got so much good out of it, even though I had to wade through so much shit to find it.
I guess you've figured out by now that Sexy and I are no longer an item, on a permanent basis this time. I know I've sang this tune before, but I don't think there's any getting around it anymore. I've been waiting all this time for a sign to show me which way to go, and I finally got it. The line has been crossed. There's no going back.
It seems that there's more to my earlier story from before. After I wrote my last Brain Blister blog, I didn't hear from Sexy again until Thursday night after class, which was a whole week from the previous incident. Thursday night, however, I made the mistake of chasing him down. See, I had ordered a hardback copy of Memory of Running for him since his paperback copy was about to fall apart. It arrived in the mail Thursday morning and I couldn't wait to give it to him. Basically, I just couldn't wait to see him again. So, after class Thursday night, I went to the bar he shoots pool at. He was there of course, still claiming to feel anger over the prior incident. I just wanted to touch him.
After the bar closed, he invited me back to his place. I went. I'm a fool like that. When he invited me to stay the night, I did. Foolish again. I crawled under the covers and layed next to him. That's all I did. I just wanted to be near him. But he started in about not trusting me and it turned into a big fight.
I should have left right then and there, but I couldn't. I wanted so badly to be near him, to make him understand how much I love him, to make him see the truth. So I stayed. I went to sleep beside him and I loved it, even though I was hurting.
When he woke me up in the morning, things were still pretty tense. We dressed and went about our business in silence. As I walked out the front door with him, I waited expectantly for a kiss. It's our ritual. But no kiss was forthcoming this time. Instead, he asked me about the men's names I have in the addressbook in my phone.
I suppose I should have told him straight off that he was asking me about my student loan consultant and the guy who's been helping me get my child support straightened out. I should have explained that they weren't love interests or anything. But I was so stunned. I was angry. I was confused. He had taken my phone from my purse and checked up on me. I felt......violated. Part of me held my silence so he could suffer like he had just made me suffer. Part of me just realized that the truth didn't matter. He'd never believe it coming from my lips. He had made up his mind before he even looked through my phone. I knew right then that it was over, beyond over. There was no going back from that point.
I've spent most of my day in a state of shock. I did hear from him shortly after I arrived back home. He sent a text message asking if he had surprized me. I told him that I just didn't know whether to laugh at him or scream at him. It was true. In some ways it is funny. He's been getting so bent out of shape over nothing. No one who knows me has any doubt that I'm nuts about the guy. Besides that, there's just no room in my life for another guy right now. I barely have time to see Sexy. But jealousy and fear make you do crazy things. I know that's why he raided my purse.
If I could keep anything the way it is right now, it would be the feeling of shock. When you're in shock, you don't think. I know this, because when I do think about it, I feel so angry. So very angry. I'm angry because the truth was there right in front of his eyes. All he had to do was listen to me. Really listen to me. All he had to do was come into my world and see for himself. I've forgiven every emotional injury he has done me. I've followed him around like a lovesick puppy. I've sacrificed so many important things just to spend time with him. And the little things, all those little things that speak volumes. Every back rub I've given him, the quilt I started sewing for him, the cds of songs I made for him, the movies I bought him, the support I've provided through the past two years. It says it all right there. If that isn't enough, even my family knows how much I love him. All he had to do was ask. They could tell him how much I talk about him, how I glow after being with him, how I make excuses for him and lie to myself just so I can be with him. There isn't anyone who talks to me who doesn't know that I've given my heart to him and only him. No one doubts it, no one but Sexy.
I know in time I'll forgive him. It's what I do best. I know that I'll wonder, possibly forever, if there was something I could've done or said to prove my love to him. I also know that it's a question that has no answer. Even if it did, the answer no longer matters. You see, I just can't get over the fact that he would let it end this way. I guess, in my mind, I know that if he had loved me half as much as I love him, then he would've given me a chance. A real chance. I don't doubt that he loves me in his own way. I don't doubt that I've gotten under his skin. But all of that is pointless now. He obviously didn't care enough about me to take the risk.
I guess I should get some sleep now. Tomorrow will be a busy day for me. I have things to sort through and get rid of. I have a slate to wipe clean. Tonight, however, I'm going to crawl into the shirt I took of his, snuggle up to the pillow scented with his cologne, and forget, for a moment, that it's over. Tomorrow may be the begining of a new life for me, but tonight is the end of an era and I only wish to hold on to it for a moment more. What can I say? I'm a fool like that.
I guess you've figured out by now that Sexy and I are no longer an item, on a permanent basis this time. I know I've sang this tune before, but I don't think there's any getting around it anymore. I've been waiting all this time for a sign to show me which way to go, and I finally got it. The line has been crossed. There's no going back.
It seems that there's more to my earlier story from before. After I wrote my last Brain Blister blog, I didn't hear from Sexy again until Thursday night after class, which was a whole week from the previous incident. Thursday night, however, I made the mistake of chasing him down. See, I had ordered a hardback copy of Memory of Running for him since his paperback copy was about to fall apart. It arrived in the mail Thursday morning and I couldn't wait to give it to him. Basically, I just couldn't wait to see him again. So, after class Thursday night, I went to the bar he shoots pool at. He was there of course, still claiming to feel anger over the prior incident. I just wanted to touch him.
After the bar closed, he invited me back to his place. I went. I'm a fool like that. When he invited me to stay the night, I did. Foolish again. I crawled under the covers and layed next to him. That's all I did. I just wanted to be near him. But he started in about not trusting me and it turned into a big fight.
I should have left right then and there, but I couldn't. I wanted so badly to be near him, to make him understand how much I love him, to make him see the truth. So I stayed. I went to sleep beside him and I loved it, even though I was hurting.
When he woke me up in the morning, things were still pretty tense. We dressed and went about our business in silence. As I walked out the front door with him, I waited expectantly for a kiss. It's our ritual. But no kiss was forthcoming this time. Instead, he asked me about the men's names I have in the addressbook in my phone.
I suppose I should have told him straight off that he was asking me about my student loan consultant and the guy who's been helping me get my child support straightened out. I should have explained that they weren't love interests or anything. But I was so stunned. I was angry. I was confused. He had taken my phone from my purse and checked up on me. I felt......violated. Part of me held my silence so he could suffer like he had just made me suffer. Part of me just realized that the truth didn't matter. He'd never believe it coming from my lips. He had made up his mind before he even looked through my phone. I knew right then that it was over, beyond over. There was no going back from that point.
I've spent most of my day in a state of shock. I did hear from him shortly after I arrived back home. He sent a text message asking if he had surprized me. I told him that I just didn't know whether to laugh at him or scream at him. It was true. In some ways it is funny. He's been getting so bent out of shape over nothing. No one who knows me has any doubt that I'm nuts about the guy. Besides that, there's just no room in my life for another guy right now. I barely have time to see Sexy. But jealousy and fear make you do crazy things. I know that's why he raided my purse.
If I could keep anything the way it is right now, it would be the feeling of shock. When you're in shock, you don't think. I know this, because when I do think about it, I feel so angry. So very angry. I'm angry because the truth was there right in front of his eyes. All he had to do was listen to me. Really listen to me. All he had to do was come into my world and see for himself. I've forgiven every emotional injury he has done me. I've followed him around like a lovesick puppy. I've sacrificed so many important things just to spend time with him. And the little things, all those little things that speak volumes. Every back rub I've given him, the quilt I started sewing for him, the cds of songs I made for him, the movies I bought him, the support I've provided through the past two years. It says it all right there. If that isn't enough, even my family knows how much I love him. All he had to do was ask. They could tell him how much I talk about him, how I glow after being with him, how I make excuses for him and lie to myself just so I can be with him. There isn't anyone who talks to me who doesn't know that I've given my heart to him and only him. No one doubts it, no one but Sexy.
I know in time I'll forgive him. It's what I do best. I know that I'll wonder, possibly forever, if there was something I could've done or said to prove my love to him. I also know that it's a question that has no answer. Even if it did, the answer no longer matters. You see, I just can't get over the fact that he would let it end this way. I guess, in my mind, I know that if he had loved me half as much as I love him, then he would've given me a chance. A real chance. I don't doubt that he loves me in his own way. I don't doubt that I've gotten under his skin. But all of that is pointless now. He obviously didn't care enough about me to take the risk.
I guess I should get some sleep now. Tomorrow will be a busy day for me. I have things to sort through and get rid of. I have a slate to wipe clean. Tonight, however, I'm going to crawl into the shirt I took of his, snuggle up to the pillow scented with his cologne, and forget, for a moment, that it's over. Tomorrow may be the begining of a new life for me, but tonight is the end of an era and I only wish to hold on to it for a moment more. What can I say? I'm a fool like that.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Huh?
I couldn't sleep tonight. This is very unusual behavior for me. Usually, I can hit the lightswitch and be in bed asleep before the lights go out. That is, unless I have too much going through my brain.
This is one of those nights that my mind won't shut off. I've been thinking a lot about Sexy and I, my new home that I'm working on and all that I need to make it right, about going back to court with my ex to change custody, and about school. There's more thoughts rolling around my noggin like a bowl full of marbles, but those are the major ones. And believe me, it's enough.
Mainly, I'm trying to figure out a way to sort it all out and deal with it. There's a lot going on right now and I suck at multi-tasking. You'd think I'd learn after having three kids in one year, but some people just don't have that skill. I don't think it's one that can be learned either. Still, if there's a way, I'm going to find it.
I've been thinking about making a self-hypnosis cd to play at night while I sleep (if I can sleep). I've heard somewhere that if you're trying to learn a foreign language, then you'll learn it faster if you play a recording of it while you sleep. I'm wondering if you can do the same to learn how to break bad habits. It's worth a shot anyways. My other option is to hire a personal assistant and I don't have that kinda money.
Anyway, I know this is totally random, but that's about how I feel tonight. Strangely enough, I think I can go to sleep now. So, goodnight all. May the force be with you.
This is one of those nights that my mind won't shut off. I've been thinking a lot about Sexy and I, my new home that I'm working on and all that I need to make it right, about going back to court with my ex to change custody, and about school. There's more thoughts rolling around my noggin like a bowl full of marbles, but those are the major ones. And believe me, it's enough.
Mainly, I'm trying to figure out a way to sort it all out and deal with it. There's a lot going on right now and I suck at multi-tasking. You'd think I'd learn after having three kids in one year, but some people just don't have that skill. I don't think it's one that can be learned either. Still, if there's a way, I'm going to find it.
I've been thinking about making a self-hypnosis cd to play at night while I sleep (if I can sleep). I've heard somewhere that if you're trying to learn a foreign language, then you'll learn it faster if you play a recording of it while you sleep. I'm wondering if you can do the same to learn how to break bad habits. It's worth a shot anyways. My other option is to hire a personal assistant and I don't have that kinda money.
Anyway, I know this is totally random, but that's about how I feel tonight. Strangely enough, I think I can go to sleep now. So, goodnight all. May the force be with you.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Brain Blisters (Part 3)
The two previous blogs were to set the stage for the story I'm about to tell. But before I start, I should give you a little more background information.
1) a couple of breakups before the latest event, Sexy outright told me that he wanted the picket fence and golden bands again, just not with me. He's reason for this being that I'm "too young" to be able to make that kind of commitment to him and he'd be the one left picking up the pieces when it failed. I told him I'd see him the next day, and I did.
2) I've proposed to Sexy on numerous occasions. Believe me, it was a lot harder than you could possibly imagine. Kudos to you men who do it and do it well. I do know that I would probably like to get married again, someday. I don't think I want to do it anytime in the next couple of years. I want to spend the rest of my life with Sexy, but part of the reason I asked was because I knew he'd say no. Of course, if he said yes, I would have celebrated by hanging naked from his chandelier. I'm afraid of weddings, not of committing myself to him. I'm also very okay with our current situation of not living with each other. Either way, it's good by me. I won't love him any more or less for a piece of paper. My commitment to him is already made in my heart and my mind. Honestly, weddings scare me. Really, really scare me. But I'd do it for him.
3) Before the event in question, Sexy had broke up with me again. It's the same song. He doesn't want to deal with us. I'm too young, yadda yadda. He doesn't want to get hurt again, I'm too young. He doesn't want to talk about it, I'm too young. You get the point. I left, promising I would be back, and I was back. Only, the next time he saw me, I didn't stay long, kiss him, or act like anything more than a friend. There was no reconciliation. There really never is. I couldn't tell you at any point in time if we're official or not. That's why I refer to him as my boy toy or my sexy. Calling him my boyfriend just feels like a lie.
So, Tuesday night I went to his place after class for a couple of minutes. I sat on his couch with him and watched tv for a moment and then left. I didn't hear from him again until Thursday night. Now, Thursday night, I went with an old high school friend to a bar for a drink, then to Country Kitchen for food. We are now going to the same college and we bump into each other frequently. This is not a friendship with the potential of more. First of all, I have no romantic feelings for this guy. I'm not physically or mentally attracted to him. Second of all, he's slept with one of my girlfriends which puts him in the "Yuck!" category automatically. However, I didn't quite feel like going home and moping around until I finally heard from Sexy. I also have few friends I can go out with now. I'm the only one who is divorced and not working. So, I took the opportunity to get out of the house.
Now, my friend (Kenny for the sake of discussion) and I were sitting at Country Kitchen at 1 in the morning when Sexy finally called. I had left my van at the bar and drove Kenny's car there. I immediately told Sexy where I was and who I was with, and the shit hit the fan. According to Sexy, I was there with Kenny to get laid. I was cheating on Sexy. I was doing exactly what he said I was going to do. I'm getting kind of mad at this point, so I take the call outside. He asks me if it's over between us. I said I didn't want it to be, but it depended on him. He's the one that keeps breaking up with me, after all. He, of course, said it depended on me. He asks what it is I want. I tell him that I want to be with him. He asks if I want to marry him. I say that I do want that. He asks me why I'm out with another guy then. I explain that Kenny is just a friend, and Sexy proceeds to call me a liar. I explain that if I had anything to hide, I wouldn't have answered the phone when he called. I can't be cheating on him when he broke up with me. Even if he hadn't, I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was just having a meal with a friend.
Now things are getting really fired up. At one point, I had given the phone to Kenny so Sexy could talk to him. Apparently, Sexy asks Kenny if he's fucking me. What I hear Kenny say is that he's just out drinking and trying to have a good time. What Sexy hears Kenny say is, "Yeah, I'm trying to." Apparently, I am now responsible for every man who wants to have sex with me. I'm leading them on or something. I'm getting a headache by this point. I realize that it's just jealousy talking, but I'm trying my best to explain that there is no reason to be jealous. Poor Kenny, all he heard me talk about was Sexy. He had to know that there was no way to get into my pants. I left no room for doubt about it. I love my Sexy. I don't want anyone else but him. Doing something with another man would just feel hollow and empty. I wouldn't get any enjoyment from it, so what's the point?
End result, I end up walking back to my van (which is totally across town). I didn't have to. Kenny offered me a ride, but I couldn't do it. I was angry with Sexy and didn't feel like being nice to any male at the moment. And despite the fury filling me, it was a very nice walk. I had some comfortable shoes, so my feet didn't hurt and I'm used to walking a lot. I spent a lot of that time letting my heart and my head wage war with each other. While I understand his reasons for being upset, I think he was totally out of line. Like I explained to him, if I was doing something wrong, I wouldn't broadcast it. I wouldn't have told him where I was and who I was with. If I was going to lie about sleeping with Kenny, I would have lied about the whole thing. It's not like he would've known if I hadn't told him. Of course, he doesn't see it that way.
By the time I made it back home, I was calmer. I really don't stay angry very long. All I wanted at that point was to kiss and make up. He's my best friend, after all. Still, I can't help but wonder about what it was all about. My mind keeps wondering if Sexy picked a fight with me so he could break up with me without having a guilty conscience. Of course, he had already broken up with me, but it happens so often that I think that he doesn't even know if we're together or not.
He sent me a message on Friday morning telling me that he was returning my key. I told him to keep it. I haven't heard from him since. He kept the key, at least, so far. It's now Sunday night, and I miss him so much. I'm sure that there are those of you who are shaking your heads right now. I know what it looks like. Believe me. I've been in situations like this before. I've made excuses for every guy I've ever dated as to why they treat me the way they do. I realize he treats me poorly at times. Still, the times that something of this nature happen are very rare with Sexy. Mostly, he's just trying to keep the walls up. They're the only stable things in his life. I'm not very helpful in that respect. I'm hell on walls.
Sigh, I just don't know what to do. There's so much more here than what I've said, so much that can't be expressed. He really is my best friend. We fit together like two puzzle pieces. He's so tender and caring and considerate most of the time and it would be hypocritical of me to expect him to be perfect all of the time. At the same time, I don't want to be the fool either. It's just so hard to imagine a life without him. And I definately can't imagine another in his place. I wish I had the answer to this problem. I wish I knew what it is I could do or say to make him understand that he has nothing to fear with me. I wish I knew for sure what it is he wanted.
Well, this about finishes it for now. Hopefully, I'll have more to say on the matter later. If he and I have to end, I don't want it to be this way. This way hurts too much.
I guess I'd better go now. I have some work to finish before bed. No rest for the wicked, as I always say.
1) a couple of breakups before the latest event, Sexy outright told me that he wanted the picket fence and golden bands again, just not with me. He's reason for this being that I'm "too young" to be able to make that kind of commitment to him and he'd be the one left picking up the pieces when it failed. I told him I'd see him the next day, and I did.
2) I've proposed to Sexy on numerous occasions. Believe me, it was a lot harder than you could possibly imagine. Kudos to you men who do it and do it well. I do know that I would probably like to get married again, someday. I don't think I want to do it anytime in the next couple of years. I want to spend the rest of my life with Sexy, but part of the reason I asked was because I knew he'd say no. Of course, if he said yes, I would have celebrated by hanging naked from his chandelier. I'm afraid of weddings, not of committing myself to him. I'm also very okay with our current situation of not living with each other. Either way, it's good by me. I won't love him any more or less for a piece of paper. My commitment to him is already made in my heart and my mind. Honestly, weddings scare me. Really, really scare me. But I'd do it for him.
3) Before the event in question, Sexy had broke up with me again. It's the same song. He doesn't want to deal with us. I'm too young, yadda yadda. He doesn't want to get hurt again, I'm too young. He doesn't want to talk about it, I'm too young. You get the point. I left, promising I would be back, and I was back. Only, the next time he saw me, I didn't stay long, kiss him, or act like anything more than a friend. There was no reconciliation. There really never is. I couldn't tell you at any point in time if we're official or not. That's why I refer to him as my boy toy or my sexy. Calling him my boyfriend just feels like a lie.
So, Tuesday night I went to his place after class for a couple of minutes. I sat on his couch with him and watched tv for a moment and then left. I didn't hear from him again until Thursday night. Now, Thursday night, I went with an old high school friend to a bar for a drink, then to Country Kitchen for food. We are now going to the same college and we bump into each other frequently. This is not a friendship with the potential of more. First of all, I have no romantic feelings for this guy. I'm not physically or mentally attracted to him. Second of all, he's slept with one of my girlfriends which puts him in the "Yuck!" category automatically. However, I didn't quite feel like going home and moping around until I finally heard from Sexy. I also have few friends I can go out with now. I'm the only one who is divorced and not working. So, I took the opportunity to get out of the house.
Now, my friend (Kenny for the sake of discussion) and I were sitting at Country Kitchen at 1 in the morning when Sexy finally called. I had left my van at the bar and drove Kenny's car there. I immediately told Sexy where I was and who I was with, and the shit hit the fan. According to Sexy, I was there with Kenny to get laid. I was cheating on Sexy. I was doing exactly what he said I was going to do. I'm getting kind of mad at this point, so I take the call outside. He asks me if it's over between us. I said I didn't want it to be, but it depended on him. He's the one that keeps breaking up with me, after all. He, of course, said it depended on me. He asks what it is I want. I tell him that I want to be with him. He asks if I want to marry him. I say that I do want that. He asks me why I'm out with another guy then. I explain that Kenny is just a friend, and Sexy proceeds to call me a liar. I explain that if I had anything to hide, I wouldn't have answered the phone when he called. I can't be cheating on him when he broke up with me. Even if he hadn't, I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was just having a meal with a friend.
Now things are getting really fired up. At one point, I had given the phone to Kenny so Sexy could talk to him. Apparently, Sexy asks Kenny if he's fucking me. What I hear Kenny say is that he's just out drinking and trying to have a good time. What Sexy hears Kenny say is, "Yeah, I'm trying to." Apparently, I am now responsible for every man who wants to have sex with me. I'm leading them on or something. I'm getting a headache by this point. I realize that it's just jealousy talking, but I'm trying my best to explain that there is no reason to be jealous. Poor Kenny, all he heard me talk about was Sexy. He had to know that there was no way to get into my pants. I left no room for doubt about it. I love my Sexy. I don't want anyone else but him. Doing something with another man would just feel hollow and empty. I wouldn't get any enjoyment from it, so what's the point?
End result, I end up walking back to my van (which is totally across town). I didn't have to. Kenny offered me a ride, but I couldn't do it. I was angry with Sexy and didn't feel like being nice to any male at the moment. And despite the fury filling me, it was a very nice walk. I had some comfortable shoes, so my feet didn't hurt and I'm used to walking a lot. I spent a lot of that time letting my heart and my head wage war with each other. While I understand his reasons for being upset, I think he was totally out of line. Like I explained to him, if I was doing something wrong, I wouldn't broadcast it. I wouldn't have told him where I was and who I was with. If I was going to lie about sleeping with Kenny, I would have lied about the whole thing. It's not like he would've known if I hadn't told him. Of course, he doesn't see it that way.
By the time I made it back home, I was calmer. I really don't stay angry very long. All I wanted at that point was to kiss and make up. He's my best friend, after all. Still, I can't help but wonder about what it was all about. My mind keeps wondering if Sexy picked a fight with me so he could break up with me without having a guilty conscience. Of course, he had already broken up with me, but it happens so often that I think that he doesn't even know if we're together or not.
He sent me a message on Friday morning telling me that he was returning my key. I told him to keep it. I haven't heard from him since. He kept the key, at least, so far. It's now Sunday night, and I miss him so much. I'm sure that there are those of you who are shaking your heads right now. I know what it looks like. Believe me. I've been in situations like this before. I've made excuses for every guy I've ever dated as to why they treat me the way they do. I realize he treats me poorly at times. Still, the times that something of this nature happen are very rare with Sexy. Mostly, he's just trying to keep the walls up. They're the only stable things in his life. I'm not very helpful in that respect. I'm hell on walls.
Sigh, I just don't know what to do. There's so much more here than what I've said, so much that can't be expressed. He really is my best friend. We fit together like two puzzle pieces. He's so tender and caring and considerate most of the time and it would be hypocritical of me to expect him to be perfect all of the time. At the same time, I don't want to be the fool either. It's just so hard to imagine a life without him. And I definately can't imagine another in his place. I wish I had the answer to this problem. I wish I knew what it is I could do or say to make him understand that he has nothing to fear with me. I wish I knew for sure what it is he wanted.
Well, this about finishes it for now. Hopefully, I'll have more to say on the matter later. If he and I have to end, I don't want it to be this way. This way hurts too much.
I guess I'd better go now. I have some work to finish before bed. No rest for the wicked, as I always say.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Brain Blisters (Part 2)
Today is a new day. For some reason, it feels just like yesterday. Well, maybe not quite like yesterday. Actually, I'm a little more stressed today. The kids haven't quite gotten into the groove of being with me yet. They're still running around like a bunch of wild Indians. Destruction count for today is : 3 pair of "big boy" pants, one door, one whole roll of tape, two tampons (don't ask), one painting, 4 movies (scratched beyond repair, two of them brand new), and a partridge in a pair tree. In the events category, one tried to flush himself down the toilet, one peed in a small cooler, one just drove me nuts with questions. I had to make them lay down for a while so I could calm myself down. It's like half-time. I get to stretch, catch a meal, then get myself hunkered down for the second half. Despite the aggravation, it's not the destruction that gets me so worked up. It's the fact that toddlers whine when they're tired. I have three of them going postal and I'm to the point of joining them since I can't beat them. Wow, that last part of the sentence could be taken so many ways.
Anyway, I believe we left off last with my overall confused state concerning Sexy. Now that I've explained how I feel, let me explain why I feel that way.
As I've mentioned once or twice before, Sexy and I are constantly teetering back and forth, which only adds to our confusion. Even the break-ups themselves are complicated. When Sexy breaks up with me, he says things like, "I think we should move on. I think it would be best for both of us." I always ask him what it is that he wants, but he never gives me an answer. He doesn't say that he wants it to end. He says that he thinks it's for the best or something. This tells me that he doesn't want it to end. After all, I give him ample opportunity to tell me that he wants it that way, but he doesn't. He just goes silent. And believe me when I say that I make it easy for him to tell me if that was what he wanted. He knows that I wouldn't make a scene or argue if he stated it flat out. If I knew that it was what he truly wanted, then there would be nothing to fight about. It would be over, without a doubt. But he always leaves this wiggle room for argument and I have to believe it's for a reason. It's the reason that I'm not sure about.
Now, Sexy has a lot of demons to conquer before he could begin to think of picket fences again. For that matter, so do I. Still, I know without a doubt that he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. He, however, doesn't think that I could possibly know what it is that I want. That's one of the demons he has to face, to trust that a woman really knows what it is that she wants. He's afraid that because I'm ten years younger than him that I'm too immature to be able to make that kind of decision. He's afraid that the age difference between us is too grand to overcome. He thinks that in a few years I'll decide that I want something different and just pick up and leave him. Of course, I have no way to prove to him my feelings other than hanging around, which is difficult when he keeps breaking up with me.
I've tried to show him every way that I know how that I'm certain of my feeling for him as I am that the sun will rise tomorrow. I've tried to get him to interact with my family, the people who know me. My mom knows better than anyone how much I love him. My dad knows that I'm smitten beyond redemption. They know how I was through all my other relationships and how I behave so differently with Sexy because he's not like the ones before him. They also know how I am with the people I love, that I support them and defend them through thick and thin and that I would never abandon them. It's the way I was raised. My whole family is close and very loving. I want to share this with Sexy so bad. I want him to see what love and family mean to me and what it means for me to give him my love and make him my family. Of course, he's so afraid of becoming close to people and then losing them that he avoids my family. Not to mention that he's ashamed of the way he's treated me in the past and doesn't want to face the scorn of my mother. She doesn't have any hard feelings towards him, however. Despite having full knowledge of all the events in our relationship, she believes that Sexy and I have a genuine shot at something most people only dream of. This is coming from the same woman that on my wedding day told me that my husband and I would never make it. She has a mother's intuition. She knows her children well and knows what will and what will not work for them. Despite the ups and downs, Sexy is the only man I've had in my life that has received my mother's approval. Only, he's skating on thin ice because he avoids my family so much.
Trying to explain all of this to him is near impossible. He has the whisperings from others and his own doubts to contend with, and it's just hard to believe in something that can't be proved, despite how much you might want to believe it. Believing in love is a lot like believing in God. When you believe in God, you see signs of His existance everywhere. When you don't believe in Him, or know whether to believe in Him, it's hard to find definate proof that He exists. Same for Love. You just have to decide to have faith. It's so hard to have faith, especially when you've been burned by it before, but you can't have it if you don't put your faith in it.
The problem is that Sexy has lost faith in everything. He's lost faith in love, in God, and in himself. He doesn't see the things that I see. He can't when he doesn't believe it exists. He doesn't see the wonderful side of him that I love so much. He doesn't see the love in my eyes when I look at him. He doesn't believe that love is in store for him or that he is worthy of it. I could tell him he's wrong until I ran out of breath, but it doesn't matter until he starts seeing it for himself. I just don't know when or if that will ever be.
Well, the munchkins are stirring, so I'd best take my leave. Perhaps I'll be on later to continue. Perhaps not. If not, I want to tell everyone that still keeps up with me that I appreciate it. And Ashlee - I know I'm not one who has a right to offer any advise, so I won't. Good luck on your current situation. Misery does love company, lol.
Anyway, I believe we left off last with my overall confused state concerning Sexy. Now that I've explained how I feel, let me explain why I feel that way.
As I've mentioned once or twice before, Sexy and I are constantly teetering back and forth, which only adds to our confusion. Even the break-ups themselves are complicated. When Sexy breaks up with me, he says things like, "I think we should move on. I think it would be best for both of us." I always ask him what it is that he wants, but he never gives me an answer. He doesn't say that he wants it to end. He says that he thinks it's for the best or something. This tells me that he doesn't want it to end. After all, I give him ample opportunity to tell me that he wants it that way, but he doesn't. He just goes silent. And believe me when I say that I make it easy for him to tell me if that was what he wanted. He knows that I wouldn't make a scene or argue if he stated it flat out. If I knew that it was what he truly wanted, then there would be nothing to fight about. It would be over, without a doubt. But he always leaves this wiggle room for argument and I have to believe it's for a reason. It's the reason that I'm not sure about.
Now, Sexy has a lot of demons to conquer before he could begin to think of picket fences again. For that matter, so do I. Still, I know without a doubt that he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. He, however, doesn't think that I could possibly know what it is that I want. That's one of the demons he has to face, to trust that a woman really knows what it is that she wants. He's afraid that because I'm ten years younger than him that I'm too immature to be able to make that kind of decision. He's afraid that the age difference between us is too grand to overcome. He thinks that in a few years I'll decide that I want something different and just pick up and leave him. Of course, I have no way to prove to him my feelings other than hanging around, which is difficult when he keeps breaking up with me.
I've tried to show him every way that I know how that I'm certain of my feeling for him as I am that the sun will rise tomorrow. I've tried to get him to interact with my family, the people who know me. My mom knows better than anyone how much I love him. My dad knows that I'm smitten beyond redemption. They know how I was through all my other relationships and how I behave so differently with Sexy because he's not like the ones before him. They also know how I am with the people I love, that I support them and defend them through thick and thin and that I would never abandon them. It's the way I was raised. My whole family is close and very loving. I want to share this with Sexy so bad. I want him to see what love and family mean to me and what it means for me to give him my love and make him my family. Of course, he's so afraid of becoming close to people and then losing them that he avoids my family. Not to mention that he's ashamed of the way he's treated me in the past and doesn't want to face the scorn of my mother. She doesn't have any hard feelings towards him, however. Despite having full knowledge of all the events in our relationship, she believes that Sexy and I have a genuine shot at something most people only dream of. This is coming from the same woman that on my wedding day told me that my husband and I would never make it. She has a mother's intuition. She knows her children well and knows what will and what will not work for them. Despite the ups and downs, Sexy is the only man I've had in my life that has received my mother's approval. Only, he's skating on thin ice because he avoids my family so much.
Trying to explain all of this to him is near impossible. He has the whisperings from others and his own doubts to contend with, and it's just hard to believe in something that can't be proved, despite how much you might want to believe it. Believing in love is a lot like believing in God. When you believe in God, you see signs of His existance everywhere. When you don't believe in Him, or know whether to believe in Him, it's hard to find definate proof that He exists. Same for Love. You just have to decide to have faith. It's so hard to have faith, especially when you've been burned by it before, but you can't have it if you don't put your faith in it.
The problem is that Sexy has lost faith in everything. He's lost faith in love, in God, and in himself. He doesn't see the things that I see. He can't when he doesn't believe it exists. He doesn't see the wonderful side of him that I love so much. He doesn't see the love in my eyes when I look at him. He doesn't believe that love is in store for him or that he is worthy of it. I could tell him he's wrong until I ran out of breath, but it doesn't matter until he starts seeing it for himself. I just don't know when or if that will ever be.
Well, the munchkins are stirring, so I'd best take my leave. Perhaps I'll be on later to continue. Perhaps not. If not, I want to tell everyone that still keeps up with me that I appreciate it. And Ashlee - I know I'm not one who has a right to offer any advise, so I won't. Good luck on your current situation. Misery does love company, lol.
Tell Me (Poem)
Tell Me
I’ve never felt the sorrow,
that now has claimed my heart.
And I know every tomorrow,
I’ll recall each guilty part
of every word we ever said in anger
that turned you, from a lover, to a stranger.
I’ve never felt such anguish.
I don’t know if I’ll survive.
I know that I no longer
can keep this flame alive.
And so, I know that you will have to go.
But before you do, there’s something I must know.
Tell me that this pain will go away.
Tell me the sun will shine another day.
Tell me that this anguish soon will end.
Tell me that this broken heart will mend.
Tell me, though this sorrow cuts me deep,
that someday I’ll no longer need to weep.
Tell me the sun will shine another day.
Tell me that this pain will go away.
You’ve long since been away now,
but I still cry these tears.
I cannot figure out how
I can erase so many years
of a life that once brought smiles to my face.
When was it that our love turned far from grace?
I cannot seem to forget
what some would say is past.
I lay sleepless with my regrets
‘til the sun comes up at last.
But, those memories don’t lay down with the moon,
and another cloudy day will follow soon.
Tell me that this pain will go away.
Tell me the sun will shine another day.
Tell me that this anguish soon will end.
Tell me that this broken heart will mend.
Tell me, though this sorrow cuts me deep,
that someday I’ll no longer need to weep.
Tell me the sun will shine another day.
Tell me that this pain will go away.
I’ve never felt the sorrow,
that now has claimed my heart.
And I know every tomorrow,
I’ll recall each guilty part
of every word we ever said in anger
that turned you, from a lover, to a stranger.
I’ve never felt such anguish.
I don’t know if I’ll survive.
I know that I no longer
can keep this flame alive.
And so, I know that you will have to go.
But before you do, there’s something I must know.
Tell me that this pain will go away.
Tell me the sun will shine another day.
Tell me that this anguish soon will end.
Tell me that this broken heart will mend.
Tell me, though this sorrow cuts me deep,
that someday I’ll no longer need to weep.
Tell me the sun will shine another day.
Tell me that this pain will go away.
You’ve long since been away now,
but I still cry these tears.
I cannot figure out how
I can erase so many years
of a life that once brought smiles to my face.
When was it that our love turned far from grace?
I cannot seem to forget
what some would say is past.
I lay sleepless with my regrets
‘til the sun comes up at last.
But, those memories don’t lay down with the moon,
and another cloudy day will follow soon.
Tell me that this pain will go away.
Tell me the sun will shine another day.
Tell me that this anguish soon will end.
Tell me that this broken heart will mend.
Tell me, though this sorrow cuts me deep,
that someday I’ll no longer need to weep.
Tell me the sun will shine another day.
Tell me that this pain will go away.
World Of Wrong (Poem)
World Of Wrong
A ghost of who I used to be.
A whisper, now, of what was me.
Live no more, but still exist.
Checking minutes off a list.
The heart still beats, that once loved you.
A curiosity, it’s true.
The sun still shines promise at dawn,
but my hope has died. Yet, I go on
in this world of wrong.
A shell of who I used to be.
A living host for agony.
Tears are wept, but eyes are dry
like currents under ocean tide.
The heart still aches, that once held joy.
The smile I give, an empty ploy.
The soul still yearns for what is gone.
I cannot find where I belong
in this world of wrong.
A ghost of who I used to be.
A whisper, now, of what was me.
Live no more, but still exist.
Checking minutes off a list.
The heart still beats, that once loved you.
A curiosity, it’s true.
The sun still shines promise at dawn,
but my hope has died. Yet, I go on
in this world of wrong.
A shell of who I used to be.
A living host for agony.
Tears are wept, but eyes are dry
like currents under ocean tide.
The heart still aches, that once held joy.
The smile I give, an empty ploy.
The soul still yearns for what is gone.
I cannot find where I belong
in this world of wrong.
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