Procrastinator

I've been slacking off a bit in my responsibilities lately. For this, I am feeling a bit guilty. My kids are still getting proper care and I'm not living in a dump, but I'm not meeting the expectations I have for myself either. I've been spending a lot of time with my nose in a book or sleeping during my free time. I know I should rectify this as soon as possible, but I'm feeling very selfish at the moment. It seems like I do a lot of things for other people but very little for myself.

Part of the problem with getting myself motivated is that it seem like everything I've taken on lately is a never-ending task. Wash, fold, scrub, pick up, drive, repair, paint, work, work, work. Get some sleep then start again. It's almost odd. I crave stability but hate the monotony of it. Maybe this is why I pursue Sexy so much. Nothing is ever monotonous with him. Everything is passionate.....intense.

I've been giving a lot of thought about this in the last couple of weeks. I like being aware of the reasons for why I do something. I also like making a forward progress towards my goals. Only lately, it seems as though I'm moving more in circles than anything. It's one step forward and two steps back. It's frustrating.

I can't say that it's all been hopeless. I am getting closer to being independent. I'm getting further on the repairs to my new home. I'm not as far as I think I should be or hoped I would be, but I'm getting there. Each day brings me another step or two closer and gives me a small sense of victory. The only question now is if I'll be ready when my place is. It will be the first time I've lived somewhere as the only adult. I'm excited, but I'm also a little frightened. I worry that I'm not up to the task of doing it all on my own. I've been sharing my responsibilities for as long as I can remember. But this time is different. I'm totally responsible and I have people counting on me to take care of my responsibilities.

Anyway, speaking of responsibilities, I'd best be going. I need to hit the sack so I can get up early and get some work done. I've procrastinated long enough. I won't have that luxury much longer, so I'd best get prepared for it now. Say a prayer and wish me luck. I can use all of it.