The two previous blogs were to set the stage for the story I'm about to tell. But before I start, I should give you a little more background information.
1) a couple of breakups before the latest event, Sexy outright told me that he wanted the picket fence and golden bands again, just not with me. He's reason for this being that I'm "too young" to be able to make that kind of commitment to him and he'd be the one left picking up the pieces when it failed. I told him I'd see him the next day, and I did.
2) I've proposed to Sexy on numerous occasions. Believe me, it was a lot harder than you could possibly imagine. Kudos to you men who do it and do it well. I do know that I would probably like to get married again, someday. I don't think I want to do it anytime in the next couple of years. I want to spend the rest of my life with Sexy, but part of the reason I asked was because I knew he'd say no. Of course, if he said yes, I would have celebrated by hanging naked from his chandelier. I'm afraid of weddings, not of committing myself to him. I'm also very okay with our current situation of not living with each other. Either way, it's good by me. I won't love him any more or less for a piece of paper. My commitment to him is already made in my heart and my mind. Honestly, weddings scare me. Really, really scare me. But I'd do it for him.
3) Before the event in question, Sexy had broke up with me again. It's the same song. He doesn't want to deal with us. I'm too young, yadda yadda. He doesn't want to get hurt again, I'm too young. He doesn't want to talk about it, I'm too young. You get the point. I left, promising I would be back, and I was back. Only, the next time he saw me, I didn't stay long, kiss him, or act like anything more than a friend. There was no reconciliation. There really never is. I couldn't tell you at any point in time if we're official or not. That's why I refer to him as my boy toy or my sexy. Calling him my boyfriend just feels like a lie.
So, Tuesday night I went to his place after class for a couple of minutes. I sat on his couch with him and watched tv for a moment and then left. I didn't hear from him again until Thursday night. Now, Thursday night, I went with an old high school friend to a bar for a drink, then to Country Kitchen for food. We are now going to the same college and we bump into each other frequently. This is not a friendship with the potential of more. First of all, I have no romantic feelings for this guy. I'm not physically or mentally attracted to him. Second of all, he's slept with one of my girlfriends which puts him in the "Yuck!" category automatically. However, I didn't quite feel like going home and moping around until I finally heard from Sexy. I also have few friends I can go out with now. I'm the only one who is divorced and not working. So, I took the opportunity to get out of the house.
Now, my friend (Kenny for the sake of discussion) and I were sitting at Country Kitchen at 1 in the morning when Sexy finally called. I had left my van at the bar and drove Kenny's car there. I immediately told Sexy where I was and who I was with, and the shit hit the fan. According to Sexy, I was there with Kenny to get laid. I was cheating on Sexy. I was doing exactly what he said I was going to do. I'm getting kind of mad at this point, so I take the call outside. He asks me if it's over between us. I said I didn't want it to be, but it depended on him. He's the one that keeps breaking up with me, after all. He, of course, said it depended on me. He asks what it is I want. I tell him that I want to be with him. He asks if I want to marry him. I say that I do want that. He asks me why I'm out with another guy then. I explain that Kenny is just a friend, and Sexy proceeds to call me a liar. I explain that if I had anything to hide, I wouldn't have answered the phone when he called. I can't be cheating on him when he broke up with me. Even if he hadn't, I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was just having a meal with a friend.
Now things are getting really fired up. At one point, I had given the phone to Kenny so Sexy could talk to him. Apparently, Sexy asks Kenny if he's fucking me. What I hear Kenny say is that he's just out drinking and trying to have a good time. What Sexy hears Kenny say is, "Yeah, I'm trying to." Apparently, I am now responsible for every man who wants to have sex with me. I'm leading them on or something. I'm getting a headache by this point. I realize that it's just jealousy talking, but I'm trying my best to explain that there is no reason to be jealous. Poor Kenny, all he heard me talk about was Sexy. He had to know that there was no way to get into my pants. I left no room for doubt about it. I love my Sexy. I don't want anyone else but him. Doing something with another man would just feel hollow and empty. I wouldn't get any enjoyment from it, so what's the point?
End result, I end up walking back to my van (which is totally across town). I didn't have to. Kenny offered me a ride, but I couldn't do it. I was angry with Sexy and didn't feel like being nice to any male at the moment. And despite the fury filling me, it was a very nice walk. I had some comfortable shoes, so my feet didn't hurt and I'm used to walking a lot. I spent a lot of that time letting my heart and my head wage war with each other. While I understand his reasons for being upset, I think he was totally out of line. Like I explained to him, if I was doing something wrong, I wouldn't broadcast it. I wouldn't have told him where I was and who I was with. If I was going to lie about sleeping with Kenny, I would have lied about the whole thing. It's not like he would've known if I hadn't told him. Of course, he doesn't see it that way.
By the time I made it back home, I was calmer. I really don't stay angry very long. All I wanted at that point was to kiss and make up. He's my best friend, after all. Still, I can't help but wonder about what it was all about. My mind keeps wondering if Sexy picked a fight with me so he could break up with me without having a guilty conscience. Of course, he had already broken up with me, but it happens so often that I think that he doesn't even know if we're together or not.
He sent me a message on Friday morning telling me that he was returning my key. I told him to keep it. I haven't heard from him since. He kept the key, at least, so far. It's now Sunday night, and I miss him so much. I'm sure that there are those of you who are shaking your heads right now. I know what it looks like. Believe me. I've been in situations like this before. I've made excuses for every guy I've ever dated as to why they treat me the way they do. I realize he treats me poorly at times. Still, the times that something of this nature happen are very rare with Sexy. Mostly, he's just trying to keep the walls up. They're the only stable things in his life. I'm not very helpful in that respect. I'm hell on walls.
Sigh, I just don't know what to do. There's so much more here than what I've said, so much that can't be expressed. He really is my best friend. We fit together like two puzzle pieces. He's so tender and caring and considerate most of the time and it would be hypocritical of me to expect him to be perfect all of the time. At the same time, I don't want to be the fool either. It's just so hard to imagine a life without him. And I definately can't imagine another in his place. I wish I had the answer to this problem. I wish I knew what it is I could do or say to make him understand that he has nothing to fear with me. I wish I knew for sure what it is he wanted.
Well, this about finishes it for now. Hopefully, I'll have more to say on the matter later. If he and I have to end, I don't want it to be this way. This way hurts too much.
I guess I'd better go now. I have some work to finish before bed. No rest for the wicked, as I always say.
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