Brain Blisters (Part 2)

Today is a new day. For some reason, it feels just like yesterday. Well, maybe not quite like yesterday. Actually, I'm a little more stressed today. The kids haven't quite gotten into the groove of being with me yet. They're still running around like a bunch of wild Indians. Destruction count for today is : 3 pair of "big boy" pants, one door, one whole roll of tape, two tampons (don't ask), one painting, 4 movies (scratched beyond repair, two of them brand new), and a partridge in a pair tree. In the events category, one tried to flush himself down the toilet, one peed in a small cooler, one just drove me nuts with questions. I had to make them lay down for a while so I could calm myself down. It's like half-time. I get to stretch, catch a meal, then get myself hunkered down for the second half. Despite the aggravation, it's not the destruction that gets me so worked up. It's the fact that toddlers whine when they're tired. I have three of them going postal and I'm to the point of joining them since I can't beat them. Wow, that last part of the sentence could be taken so many ways.



Anyway, I believe we left off last with my overall confused state concerning Sexy. Now that I've explained how I feel, let me explain why I feel that way.

As I've mentioned once or twice before, Sexy and I are constantly teetering back and forth, which only adds to our confusion. Even the break-ups themselves are complicated. When Sexy breaks up with me, he says things like, "I think we should move on. I think it would be best for both of us." I always ask him what it is that he wants, but he never gives me an answer. He doesn't say that he wants it to end. He says that he thinks it's for the best or something. This tells me that he doesn't want it to end. After all, I give him ample opportunity to tell me that he wants it that way, but he doesn't. He just goes silent. And believe me when I say that I make it easy for him to tell me if that was what he wanted. He knows that I wouldn't make a scene or argue if he stated it flat out. If I knew that it was what he truly wanted, then there would be nothing to fight about. It would be over, without a doubt. But he always leaves this wiggle room for argument and I have to believe it's for a reason. It's the reason that I'm not sure about.

Now, Sexy has a lot of demons to conquer before he could begin to think of picket fences again. For that matter, so do I. Still, I know without a doubt that he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. He, however, doesn't think that I could possibly know what it is that I want. That's one of the demons he has to face, to trust that a woman really knows what it is that she wants. He's afraid that because I'm ten years younger than him that I'm too immature to be able to make that kind of decision. He's afraid that the age difference between us is too grand to overcome. He thinks that in a few years I'll decide that I want something different and just pick up and leave him. Of course, I have no way to prove to him my feelings other than hanging around, which is difficult when he keeps breaking up with me.

I've tried to show him every way that I know how that I'm certain of my feeling for him as I am that the sun will rise tomorrow. I've tried to get him to interact with my family, the people who know me. My mom knows better than anyone how much I love him. My dad knows that I'm smitten beyond redemption. They know how I was through all my other relationships and how I behave so differently with Sexy because he's not like the ones before him. They also know how I am with the people I love, that I support them and defend them through thick and thin and that I would never abandon them. It's the way I was raised. My whole family is close and very loving. I want to share this with Sexy so bad. I want him to see what love and family mean to me and what it means for me to give him my love and make him my family. Of course, he's so afraid of becoming close to people and then losing them that he avoids my family. Not to mention that he's ashamed of the way he's treated me in the past and doesn't want to face the scorn of my mother. She doesn't have any hard feelings towards him, however. Despite having full knowledge of all the events in our relationship, she believes that Sexy and I have a genuine shot at something most people only dream of. This is coming from the same woman that on my wedding day told me that my husband and I would never make it. She has a mother's intuition. She knows her children well and knows what will and what will not work for them. Despite the ups and downs, Sexy is the only man I've had in my life that has received my mother's approval. Only, he's skating on thin ice because he avoids my family so much.

Trying to explain all of this to him is near impossible. He has the whisperings from others and his own doubts to contend with, and it's just hard to believe in something that can't be proved, despite how much you might want to believe it. Believing in love is a lot like believing in God. When you believe in God, you see signs of His existance everywhere. When you don't believe in Him, or know whether to believe in Him, it's hard to find definate proof that He exists. Same for Love. You just have to decide to have faith. It's so hard to have faith, especially when you've been burned by it before, but you can't have it if you don't put your faith in it.

The problem is that Sexy has lost faith in everything. He's lost faith in love, in God, and in himself. He doesn't see the things that I see. He can't when he doesn't believe it exists. He doesn't see the wonderful side of him that I love so much. He doesn't see the love in my eyes when I look at him. He doesn't believe that love is in store for him or that he is worthy of it. I could tell him he's wrong until I ran out of breath, but it doesn't matter until he starts seeing it for himself. I just don't know when or if that will ever be.

Well, the munchkins are stirring, so I'd best take my leave. Perhaps I'll be on later to continue. Perhaps not. If not, I want to tell everyone that still keeps up with me that I appreciate it. And Ashlee - I know I'm not one who has a right to offer any advise, so I won't. Good luck on your current situation. Misery does love company, lol.