End of an Era

I guess all's fair when love is war. It doesn't feel very fair though. It doesn't seem fair that I should suffer any for the mistakes of others. I don't believe it's fair that I should lose something that meant so much to me after finally finding it after all this time. But I guess I shouldn't complain. I got so much good out of it, even though I had to wade through so much shit to find it.

I guess you've figured out by now that Sexy and I are no longer an item, on a permanent basis this time. I know I've sang this tune before, but I don't think there's any getting around it anymore. I've been waiting all this time for a sign to show me which way to go, and I finally got it. The line has been crossed. There's no going back.

It seems that there's more to my earlier story from before. After I wrote my last Brain Blister blog, I didn't hear from Sexy again until Thursday night after class, which was a whole week from the previous incident. Thursday night, however, I made the mistake of chasing him down. See, I had ordered a hardback copy of Memory of Running for him since his paperback copy was about to fall apart. It arrived in the mail Thursday morning and I couldn't wait to give it to him. Basically, I just couldn't wait to see him again. So, after class Thursday night, I went to the bar he shoots pool at. He was there of course, still claiming to feel anger over the prior incident. I just wanted to touch him.

After the bar closed, he invited me back to his place. I went. I'm a fool like that. When he invited me to stay the night, I did. Foolish again. I crawled under the covers and layed next to him. That's all I did. I just wanted to be near him. But he started in about not trusting me and it turned into a big fight.

I should have left right then and there, but I couldn't. I wanted so badly to be near him, to make him understand how much I love him, to make him see the truth. So I stayed. I went to sleep beside him and I loved it, even though I was hurting.

When he woke me up in the morning, things were still pretty tense. We dressed and went about our business in silence. As I walked out the front door with him, I waited expectantly for a kiss. It's our ritual. But no kiss was forthcoming this time. Instead, he asked me about the men's names I have in the addressbook in my phone.

I suppose I should have told him straight off that he was asking me about my student loan consultant and the guy who's been helping me get my child support straightened out. I should have explained that they weren't love interests or anything. But I was so stunned. I was angry. I was confused. He had taken my phone from my purse and checked up on me. I felt......violated. Part of me held my silence so he could suffer like he had just made me suffer. Part of me just realized that the truth didn't matter. He'd never believe it coming from my lips. He had made up his mind before he even looked through my phone. I knew right then that it was over, beyond over. There was no going back from that point.

I've spent most of my day in a state of shock. I did hear from him shortly after I arrived back home. He sent a text message asking if he had surprized me. I told him that I just didn't know whether to laugh at him or scream at him. It was true. In some ways it is funny. He's been getting so bent out of shape over nothing. No one who knows me has any doubt that I'm nuts about the guy. Besides that, there's just no room in my life for another guy right now. I barely have time to see Sexy. But jealousy and fear make you do crazy things. I know that's why he raided my purse.

If I could keep anything the way it is right now, it would be the feeling of shock. When you're in shock, you don't think. I know this, because when I do think about it, I feel so angry. So very angry. I'm angry because the truth was there right in front of his eyes. All he had to do was listen to me. Really listen to me. All he had to do was come into my world and see for himself. I've forgiven every emotional injury he has done me. I've followed him around like a lovesick puppy. I've sacrificed so many important things just to spend time with him. And the little things, all those little things that speak volumes. Every back rub I've given him, the quilt I started sewing for him, the cds of songs I made for him, the movies I bought him, the support I've provided through the past two years. It says it all right there. If that isn't enough, even my family knows how much I love him. All he had to do was ask. They could tell him how much I talk about him, how I glow after being with him, how I make excuses for him and lie to myself just so I can be with him. There isn't anyone who talks to me who doesn't know that I've given my heart to him and only him. No one doubts it, no one but Sexy.

I know in time I'll forgive him. It's what I do best. I know that I'll wonder, possibly forever, if there was something I could've done or said to prove my love to him. I also know that it's a question that has no answer. Even if it did, the answer no longer matters. You see, I just can't get over the fact that he would let it end this way. I guess, in my mind, I know that if he had loved me half as much as I love him, then he would've given me a chance. A real chance. I don't doubt that he loves me in his own way. I don't doubt that I've gotten under his skin. But all of that is pointless now. He obviously didn't care enough about me to take the risk.

I guess I should get some sleep now. Tomorrow will be a busy day for me. I have things to sort through and get rid of. I have a slate to wipe clean. Tonight, however, I'm going to crawl into the shirt I took of his, snuggle up to the pillow scented with his cologne, and forget, for a moment, that it's over. Tomorrow may be the begining of a new life for me, but tonight is the end of an era and I only wish to hold on to it for a moment more. What can I say? I'm a fool like that.