It's 1 a.m. and I'm still waiting for the kiddies to fall asleep. It's been a long day. I didn't have the kids all day. It's one of my exchange days with my ex, so I don't get my kids until evening, but they always come back grumpy, yet wired. It's always crazy in my house on exchange night.
I figured that while I waited on them to drift into dreamland, I would use that time to post another blog. Of course, I have a million other things to do, but I really needed to download. When I get too much going on in my head, I lose track of what I'm supposed to be doing and end up frustrated and easily agitated. This does not bode well when you add on three terribly tired toddlers.
So, here's the score. I'm steering my brain away from the frustration before me and dealing with the brain blisters that have been rubbing me the wrong way before tonight.
For those who have been keeping up with my blog, you know that Sexy and I broke up, only we were back together (sorta) the next night. Since then, Sexy broke up with me again. Like I said, this is a pretty normal occurrence with us. I decided, however, to give him a little space this time. In part, this was because I knew that the way our relationship was going was leaving him with some confused feelings. I know the past two years have been difficult for him. He's been mending from his last serious relationship and at times I bear a striking resemblance to his ex (not physically, just in deeds). Part of the reason I decided to give him space though, was because I was becoming confused about his feelings for me. When you ride an emotional roller coaster with someone, like I have been with Sexy, there's so much room for doubt.
I wasn't planning on explaining my confusion, but I don't think I can explain everything else without giving the details. You see, for two years I have been running to him. When he called, I ran. I didn't hesitate. I wanted to be there with him more than anything. Despite my fears and the constant ups and downs, there was a deep knowledge within me that if such a thing as soul mates existed, then he was mine. I didn't come to this lightly. Lord knows, I tried to fight it. It was the wrong time. It wasn't in my game plan. I had just left my husband, I was trying to get back into school and get my life straight, and I knew that I needed some time away from men, to be frank. I needed to strike out on my own and be a success before I could commit myself to someone else again. But love doesn't wait for the right time. Love comes when love is ready. It makes the time right, not the other way around. And this freak coincidence brings Sexy into my life. I needed him, despite my strong desire not to need anyone. He needed me, though he tries so hard not to. This was the foundation for it all. Two people who find each other shortly after losing everything, dreams as well as property. We were both trying to conquer life all over again on our own terms. But no one can do it alone. It's hard to admit it, even now. Human beings are just not cut out to lead a solitary life. That's why it takes two people to create a new life.
So here I am, trying so hard to be a role model my children can be proud of, trying to show them that it's okay to fight for the right to be respected. I certainly found no respect from my ex husband. And it was knowing that my children were likely to learn from this relationship and more than likely copy it that made me change it. I knew that I wanted my children to know how to respect their partner and be respected in return. This is where my fears and confusion come into play.
Deep within my heart, I feel that Sexy wants the same thing I want. Deep withing my heart, I know that he feels the same connection that I feel. I don't know how to explain it in any words that would do it justice. When I am with him, when he smiles at me, I am at peace. It's the only true peace I've known in my life. When I am away from him, I hunger. Not just for his touch, but for the sound of his voice, the scent of his cologne, the feel of his arms, the taste of his lips. I crave that peace that I have never known anywhere else. I long for that feeling of rightness and perfection that I washes over me while in his presence. And deep within my heart, I believe it is the same for him.
I just wish my heart and my mind said the same thing. While my heart says that we're made for each other, my mind is telling me that this relationship is no different from the ones that preceded it. It says that I'm just a tool for Sexy, a space filler. It says that if he wanted things to work between us then he'd give us a chance and stop breaking up with me every other week on average. Oh, my wicked, wicked mind. That devil perched upon my shoulder. It tells me that my heart lies and wages a war with it so devastating that I know longer know what the truth is. Am I a fool to stay or a fool to go?
I've been dealing with this conflict for quite some time. I've been taking apart every aspect of my relationship with Sexy and studying it with a microscope. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be an answer there. Some of the things that Sexy does confirms the message of my heart and others of my mind. My greatest fear and my greatest hope is that there will be no answers. I'm afraid to know the truth and afraid not to.
So this is my mental and emotional stance. Each has its moments to tip the scale, based largely on what Sexy says and does. Sometimes my heart cries out to challenge the walls he has built, and sometimes my mind says that I'm being played for a fool. It's utterly confusing and is taking quite a toll on me. I'm so afraid of making the wrong decision that I fail to act and I despise myself for being so afraid. Still, I know that if there is a way for us and I walk away from it because it's not easy enough for me I will have lost one of the most precious things I could ever have in my life. I also know that finding out that I mean nothing to him after giving so much of myself to him would be equally devastating. So I wait. I wait for a sign, for a truth. I wait, and I hunger, and I hold on to that roller coaster for dear life, hoping it won't throw me.
I think the kiddies are asleep now. I suppose I should get on with getting on. I have a never-ending pile of laundry to tackle and a mass of papers to go through and file. I know that life doesn't pause so you can collect yourself, but it sure would be nice on occasion.
This entry hasn't begun to explain everything, but it will have to do for tonight. With any luck, I will have an opportunity to explain further another time. Honestly, I sometime feel as though I will explode if I don't get it out, so I imagine that it won't be long before the whole sorted story gets published. Maybe by writing, I will find an answer. Or maybe, by unloading my anguish, I will find the peace and strength to go on. Who knows? Maybe someone who reads this knows my Sexy and will tell him how much he means to me. Stranger things have happened.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Reformed Addict
I'm giving up my Mt. Dew habit. Not because I had wanted to and was looking out for my figure or anything. I just ran out and got too sidetracked to pick up any more. It's been two or three days without now. Well, I had one on Wednesday evening, but none since then. It was much harder than I thought it would be. I'm still not even sure if I will continue with this since it was accidental, but I like the idea of telling people that I'm a reformed Dew drinker. I can be the President of the DDA (Dew Drinkers Anonymous).
Of course, this is only one of my many bad habits. I'll probably just substitute it with another bad habit. Maybe I'll start biting my nails or something. Maybe I'll learn to whistle through my nose so I can annoy people in the waiting room of the doctor's office. I'm worried now that I'll either balloon up or waste away as it was the major part of my calorie intake each day. Either my body will go into shock and hang on to every calorie I do send it, or I'll disolve in the next rainfall. I guess I'll have to wait and see.
Did you know that rootbeer causes little to no tooth decay? My dentist told me that. Just thought I'd share since I was on the subject of pop. It's weird how people have all sorts of senseless knowledge in their heads. I would say that I'm switching to rootbeer, but I really don't like it. I don't like ice cream much either, but I love rootbeer floats. Does that make any sense?
Okay, this was totally random, but I had to unload. I've been having one of those "God in a frilly apron" days. You know, the kind of day in which all of that ridiculous bull hockey circulates inside my brain with no means relief. Maybe it's the lack of Mt. Dew talking.
Of course, this is only one of my many bad habits. I'll probably just substitute it with another bad habit. Maybe I'll start biting my nails or something. Maybe I'll learn to whistle through my nose so I can annoy people in the waiting room of the doctor's office. I'm worried now that I'll either balloon up or waste away as it was the major part of my calorie intake each day. Either my body will go into shock and hang on to every calorie I do send it, or I'll disolve in the next rainfall. I guess I'll have to wait and see.
Did you know that rootbeer causes little to no tooth decay? My dentist told me that. Just thought I'd share since I was on the subject of pop. It's weird how people have all sorts of senseless knowledge in their heads. I would say that I'm switching to rootbeer, but I really don't like it. I don't like ice cream much either, but I love rootbeer floats. Does that make any sense?
Okay, this was totally random, but I had to unload. I've been having one of those "God in a frilly apron" days. You know, the kind of day in which all of that ridiculous bull hockey circulates inside my brain with no means relief. Maybe it's the lack of Mt. Dew talking.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Complete
There's these moments in time, when the whole world seems surreal, when the sky is grey but seems unnaturally bright, that I sit and wonder if I can hear the earth breathing. The wind will be blowing, usually with the scent of rain not yet shed upon it. The leaves will dance, each one seeming so eerily sharp so that I could distinguish them all at a glance. The crickets have stopped chirping. The dogs have stopped barking. It's just me, my heartbeat, and the wind blowing in like ocean tide.
It's times like these that I feel so connected to the earth but so alienated from the world. The scents, the sights, the feel of the humidity in the air, I am a part of it and it is a part of me. There is no movement but the leaves tumbling like gypsies in the breeze and my blood through my veins. There is only me in the whole vastness of the universe, only me left to ponder in the perfection of the moment.
Out of nowhere, I siren blares, a child laughs, a car revs its motor. The perfection is broken, its mirror-like fragments laying in ruins around my feet. I turn around to walk in my front door. Inside is chaos, but not the chaos that disturbed me before. Inside, my children run to greet me, clinging noisely to my legs. Inside, the lights are much dimmer, the rain doesn't cling to the air. Inside is warmth that blends the edges, fades the sharpness. Inside is a new perfection, one that makes me.......complete.
It's times like these that I feel so connected to the earth but so alienated from the world. The scents, the sights, the feel of the humidity in the air, I am a part of it and it is a part of me. There is no movement but the leaves tumbling like gypsies in the breeze and my blood through my veins. There is only me in the whole vastness of the universe, only me left to ponder in the perfection of the moment.
Out of nowhere, I siren blares, a child laughs, a car revs its motor. The perfection is broken, its mirror-like fragments laying in ruins around my feet. I turn around to walk in my front door. Inside is chaos, but not the chaos that disturbed me before. Inside, my children run to greet me, clinging noisely to my legs. Inside, the lights are much dimmer, the rain doesn't cling to the air. Inside is warmth that blends the edges, fades the sharpness. Inside is a new perfection, one that makes me.......complete.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Nadda
I've finally managed to catch a few moments to myself. This is a bigger challenge than one could possibly know. I finished my test in my online class, I still have some work to do in my Economics class, and I have a disaster of a house to clean yet, but I decided a few moments of "my time" could be beneficial. It's been a crazy couple of days, after all.
I'm pleased to report that the chitlins have had their procedures done. The battle with my ex over this was more complicated, yet strangely easier, than I expected. I did return the kids to him late Wednesday night, but he sent them back Thursday night so that I could (finally) get this done. The whole thing went very well and the boys were back to their ornery selves that very day. Of course, the ex didn't even bother to call and check to see if they did okay. They could have had a bad reaction to the anesthesia and died and he wouldn't even know the difference. Jerk.
Other than the daily grind, nothing much has been going on. I'm still working on my new abode, though a bit slower than when I started. I'm hoping that by the middle of next week, I'll have the necessary tools and equipment to pick up the pace. I'm so ready to get back into it. I hate the feeling of being stagnant. I'm ready for some direction. Well, other than the circles I've been moving in.
Seems like a lot of my life moves in circles. Dating, school, work around the house, it's all moving forward and yet nowhere. I suppose that the blame for this can be cast solely at my feet. I could have picked a different route to take. Still, it would be nice to have an easy moment of forward movement on the route I'm on from time to time. I do like my life the way it is, for the most part. I wouldn't want to be anywhere other than where I'm at. I like being a mother , a student, and yes, even a girlfriend to the impossibly stubborn Sexy. The only thing that would make life nicer would be if my ex would grow some grey matter and a little humanity, responsibility, and compassion with it, and if I could instantaneously acquire my degrees and a permanent home in which to raise three perfectly balanced babies and dawdle with my numerous hobbies. Don't ask for much, do I?
Here's a question: How come no one else seems to be continuing on with their journals? Am I the only one who is still writing? I think I'm the only one who is required to take Comp II who hasn't signed up for it this session, so I think it's odd that I'm the only one who appears to be writing still. I wonder if anyone even checks on the journals anymore. Maybe I'm just talking to myself. Oh well, it's not like it's the first time, or will be the last. I would like to see more from others though. It would be nice to see how everyone is doing.
Well, "me time" is about done. I do have all that work to finish (sigh). Perhaps I'll write again later tonight when I've got the biggest portion of it taken care of. Hey, if you're going to ramble aimlessly to yourself, you might as well go for the gold, right?
I'm pleased to report that the chitlins have had their procedures done. The battle with my ex over this was more complicated, yet strangely easier, than I expected. I did return the kids to him late Wednesday night, but he sent them back Thursday night so that I could (finally) get this done. The whole thing went very well and the boys were back to their ornery selves that very day. Of course, the ex didn't even bother to call and check to see if they did okay. They could have had a bad reaction to the anesthesia and died and he wouldn't even know the difference. Jerk.
Other than the daily grind, nothing much has been going on. I'm still working on my new abode, though a bit slower than when I started. I'm hoping that by the middle of next week, I'll have the necessary tools and equipment to pick up the pace. I'm so ready to get back into it. I hate the feeling of being stagnant. I'm ready for some direction. Well, other than the circles I've been moving in.
Seems like a lot of my life moves in circles. Dating, school, work around the house, it's all moving forward and yet nowhere. I suppose that the blame for this can be cast solely at my feet. I could have picked a different route to take. Still, it would be nice to have an easy moment of forward movement on the route I'm on from time to time. I do like my life the way it is, for the most part. I wouldn't want to be anywhere other than where I'm at. I like being a mother , a student, and yes, even a girlfriend to the impossibly stubborn Sexy. The only thing that would make life nicer would be if my ex would grow some grey matter and a little humanity, responsibility, and compassion with it, and if I could instantaneously acquire my degrees and a permanent home in which to raise three perfectly balanced babies and dawdle with my numerous hobbies. Don't ask for much, do I?
Here's a question: How come no one else seems to be continuing on with their journals? Am I the only one who is still writing? I think I'm the only one who is required to take Comp II who hasn't signed up for it this session, so I think it's odd that I'm the only one who appears to be writing still. I wonder if anyone even checks on the journals anymore. Maybe I'm just talking to myself. Oh well, it's not like it's the first time, or will be the last. I would like to see more from others though. It would be nice to see how everyone is doing.
Well, "me time" is about done. I do have all that work to finish (sigh). Perhaps I'll write again later tonight when I've got the biggest portion of it taken care of. Hey, if you're going to ramble aimlessly to yourself, you might as well go for the gold, right?
Purge (Poetry)
Purge
The movie ticket from our first date,
the photo of you with a funny face,
the bottle of perfume that turned your head,
the outfit I bought to wear to your bed,
some letters I wrote, but never sent,
a t-shirt of yours I once went home in,
a CD of songs that we had dance to,
I’m trying to purge my life of you.
I wish I could say
that these feelings would go away
as fast as those things went up in flames.
As the smoke starts to rise,
bitter teardrops fill my eyes.
There’s no going back, I realize.
All that there is left to do
is purge my life of you.
Your phone number and your ring tone,
the heart with our names on my mirror at home,
the present you bought me last Valentine’s too,
I’m trying to purge my life of you.
I wish I could say
that the memories would go away
as fast as those things were erased.
But, it seems I always find
one more thing that you left behind.
I never can get you off my mind.
What I cannot seem to do
is purge my life of you.
The movie ticket from our first date,
the photo of you with a funny face,
the bottle of perfume that turned your head,
the outfit I bought to wear to your bed,
some letters I wrote, but never sent,
a t-shirt of yours I once went home in,
a CD of songs that we had dance to,
I’m trying to purge my life of you.
I wish I could say
that these feelings would go away
as fast as those things went up in flames.
As the smoke starts to rise,
bitter teardrops fill my eyes.
There’s no going back, I realize.
All that there is left to do
is purge my life of you.
Your phone number and your ring tone,
the heart with our names on my mirror at home,
the present you bought me last Valentine’s too,
I’m trying to purge my life of you.
I wish I could say
that the memories would go away
as fast as those things were erased.
But, it seems I always find
one more thing that you left behind.
I never can get you off my mind.
What I cannot seem to do
is purge my life of you.
The Memory Of Running
Written August 15, 2007
I just finished this book called The Memory of Running by Ron McLarty. I borrowed it from Sexy the other night, ya know, the night right after our breakup. I had been meaning to borrow it for quite some time. He’s owned this book for about a year and has read it at least 8 or 9 times now. I’m betting on it being more than that. I knew that if he could read it that many times and still find it fascinating, then I should definitely read it.
It made me very angry. Not the book itself, mind you. I’m actually mad at Sexy for loaning it to me. I had this very strong urge to knock him senseless with the book once I finished it. Since it is a paperback book, this could be a long process. I may have to go out and buy the hardback version in order to save myself time and energy. He has a very hard head, after all.
That being said, I actually loved the book a lot. I’m going to go out and buy several copies to give out to friends. I’m also going to buy a teddy bear to go with each book because after you finish reading it, you just want to hold something and cry. I’m also going to buy a couple of copies for myself. One copy will be for me to read over and over. I can see why Sexy reads it so much. One copy will be to treasure.
I could spend quite some time trying to explain the book, but I’d never come close. It’s one of those simple plots that is so deep that you can’t even begin to explain it in conversation. Since I could never do it justice, I would have to say that you need to read the book if you’re curious. I will say that the main character is one that everyone can relate to in some way, shape, or form.
I suppose that’s what made me so angry. I can tell that Sexy sees a mirror image of himself in the main character and it makes me so furious. There’s no way in the world that I would be able to convince him that he’s nothing like the main character. It’s the thick skull. Nothing penetrates it. I know that he feels that he’s in much of the same position in life and I can understand it. However, they are not the exact same at all. First of all, Sexy is not 200 lbs overweight. Actually, he’s perfect. Not too big, not too small, muscled but not disgustingly so. Perfect. Second of all, he’s not some alcoholic in a dead-end job. He has an excellent job with so much potential. He, himself, has endless potential. He’s smart, funny, can adapt, is so loving, and, if I don’t mind saying so (and I don’t), he has a wonderful girlfriend who adores him.
The fact that most infuriates me about what Sexy sees in this book is the fact that he feels he’s lost everything, just like the main character. I suppose I should be more tolerant about it. Everyone feels like they’ve hit rock bottom from time to time. Still, Sexy has so much that he just takes for granted. He has family that loves him. He could have more family to love him as well. He has friends who think the world of him. He has the respect of his co-workers, he has a chance to move past all of his problems if he would just stop running from them long enough and face them. Not everyone is that lucky. It makes me so mad. I’d give almost anything to be that lucky.
I don’t imagine that I’ll beat him up with a novel in the end. It’s not fair to the book. The book really is a good one after all. I’m going to re-read the copy Sexy loaned me before returning it. And if he asks me what I thought of it, I’ll just tell him that he doesn’t want me to talk about it. He’s not big into mushy discussions, so I don’t think he’ll try to push the issue. Right now, I have to wait for my mom to read it. I told her how wonderful it was and she wants to read it, but she’s in the middle of another book at the moment. I may have to read it again before she gets the chance. For some reason, I can barely resist picking it up again. It calls to me. Maybe because, despite what Sexy believes, we’re not that different, he and I. I can see myself in the main character too. I just don’t use that as an excuse to give up on all the good things life has to offer. I make myself remember running.
I just finished this book called The Memory of Running by Ron McLarty. I borrowed it from Sexy the other night, ya know, the night right after our breakup. I had been meaning to borrow it for quite some time. He’s owned this book for about a year and has read it at least 8 or 9 times now. I’m betting on it being more than that. I knew that if he could read it that many times and still find it fascinating, then I should definitely read it.
It made me very angry. Not the book itself, mind you. I’m actually mad at Sexy for loaning it to me. I had this very strong urge to knock him senseless with the book once I finished it. Since it is a paperback book, this could be a long process. I may have to go out and buy the hardback version in order to save myself time and energy. He has a very hard head, after all.
That being said, I actually loved the book a lot. I’m going to go out and buy several copies to give out to friends. I’m also going to buy a teddy bear to go with each book because after you finish reading it, you just want to hold something and cry. I’m also going to buy a couple of copies for myself. One copy will be for me to read over and over. I can see why Sexy reads it so much. One copy will be to treasure.
I could spend quite some time trying to explain the book, but I’d never come close. It’s one of those simple plots that is so deep that you can’t even begin to explain it in conversation. Since I could never do it justice, I would have to say that you need to read the book if you’re curious. I will say that the main character is one that everyone can relate to in some way, shape, or form.
I suppose that’s what made me so angry. I can tell that Sexy sees a mirror image of himself in the main character and it makes me so furious. There’s no way in the world that I would be able to convince him that he’s nothing like the main character. It’s the thick skull. Nothing penetrates it. I know that he feels that he’s in much of the same position in life and I can understand it. However, they are not the exact same at all. First of all, Sexy is not 200 lbs overweight. Actually, he’s perfect. Not too big, not too small, muscled but not disgustingly so. Perfect. Second of all, he’s not some alcoholic in a dead-end job. He has an excellent job with so much potential. He, himself, has endless potential. He’s smart, funny, can adapt, is so loving, and, if I don’t mind saying so (and I don’t), he has a wonderful girlfriend who adores him.
The fact that most infuriates me about what Sexy sees in this book is the fact that he feels he’s lost everything, just like the main character. I suppose I should be more tolerant about it. Everyone feels like they’ve hit rock bottom from time to time. Still, Sexy has so much that he just takes for granted. He has family that loves him. He could have more family to love him as well. He has friends who think the world of him. He has the respect of his co-workers, he has a chance to move past all of his problems if he would just stop running from them long enough and face them. Not everyone is that lucky. It makes me so mad. I’d give almost anything to be that lucky.
I don’t imagine that I’ll beat him up with a novel in the end. It’s not fair to the book. The book really is a good one after all. I’m going to re-read the copy Sexy loaned me before returning it. And if he asks me what I thought of it, I’ll just tell him that he doesn’t want me to talk about it. He’s not big into mushy discussions, so I don’t think he’ll try to push the issue. Right now, I have to wait for my mom to read it. I told her how wonderful it was and she wants to read it, but she’s in the middle of another book at the moment. I may have to read it again before she gets the chance. For some reason, I can barely resist picking it up again. It calls to me. Maybe because, despite what Sexy believes, we’re not that different, he and I. I can see myself in the main character too. I just don’t use that as an excuse to give up on all the good things life has to offer. I make myself remember running.
The Ultimate Cure
Written August 14, 2007
I’m supposed to be doing my homework right now, but I can’t seem to get my head in the game tonight. There’s just too much going on in the noggin right now to concentrate on something that seems so trivial. Not that homework is trivial. Homework is actually a big deal, since a good grade is crucial to my degree which is crucial to my future. However, looking at what I will have to deal with tomorrow makes it difficult to concentrate on what I must do now in order to make my distant future better.
Tomorrow, I do battle with my ex. My stomach gets queasy thinking about it. I have to call him up and tell him that I’m not returning the kids at the court appointed time. It’s going to be WWIII. If I could avoid talking to him at all, it would definitely be the route I would take. However, it just doesn’t work like that. Not for me anyway.
Here’s the situation: my twin sons need dental surgery. It’s sad to say that at three years of age, their teeth need that kind of attention, but they only receive the care they need in that department half of the time (the half that I have custody). Since they are so young, they have to be taken to the hospital and knocked out. Unfortunately, the only days that their dentist schedules those procedures is on Friday mornings, which is my ex’s custody period.
You would think that my ex would be helpful when it comes to getting them the medical care they need. After all, I carry the insurance on them. He has no out of pocket expense for any of their medical needs, other than over the counter medicines that he would administer during his custody period. I make all the appointments, make sure they arrive at said appointments, and take care of all prescriptions. The only requirement he has it to communicate with me about it.
The communication part is where we have the problem. I’ve tried talking to him numerous times about getting this done in the past year. He won’t talk to me at all. I’ve had the kids’ dentist talk to him about why they need this done. He refuses to cooperate. Simply put, he refuses to let this happen simply because I want this done. The part that really burns me up though is the fact that my hands are tied. I have to do something illegal in order to get my kids taken care of.
I’ve searched for every possible route to get this taken care of without bending or breaking rules. It’s not to save my ex any aggravation, but for the sake of my kids. I have no desire to use them as a weapon in the post-divorce war games that my ex and I play. I’m not even a willing participant in the war games, truth be told. I just wish that the feeling was mutual. It makes me physically ill to have to battle with someone this way. Granted, all the warm feelings that I once felt for this man are like a fart in the wind. Still, I did love him once upon a time. I thought that he had loved me too, in his own warped little way. But regardless of us, I had hoped that he cared enough for the kids not to do this to them. And it’s intentional, no doubt about it. He told the dentist that he didn’t want it done because I did. That’s his only excuse. I want my kids mended, so he fights me on it.
I can’t begin to explain the emotional toll this has taken on me, mainly because it is so unnecessary. The worst part is that it’s not going to be over tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll keep the kids instead of sending them back so that they can get their cavities filled on Friday morning. Tomorrow, I’ll call him and let him know what I’m doing because it is required. Tomorrow, he’ll call me up, I’ll have to answer, and he’ll call me names and threaten me. I imagine that I’ll be served papers for contempt of court in less than two weeks. I am the one breaking a court order, after all. The judge will decide that I was within my rights to do this, no doubt about it. I made sure that those rights were granted to me in the divorce documents. Still, it’s one more unnecessary fight, one more thing that causes the gap to widen, one more thing he’ll hold against me. It means that I’ll have to fight that much harder the next time to get something done.
I suppose, in context, this is why I should be doing my homework right now. A degree means a better job. A better job means a firmer foundation for raising my kids and more money for the court costs. I imagine that I’ll be seeing the inside of the courthouse quite a bit in the upcoming years. Of course, knowing this does nothing to help with my concentration. I wonder if they make a pill to cure ex husbands?
I’m supposed to be doing my homework right now, but I can’t seem to get my head in the game tonight. There’s just too much going on in the noggin right now to concentrate on something that seems so trivial. Not that homework is trivial. Homework is actually a big deal, since a good grade is crucial to my degree which is crucial to my future. However, looking at what I will have to deal with tomorrow makes it difficult to concentrate on what I must do now in order to make my distant future better.
Tomorrow, I do battle with my ex. My stomach gets queasy thinking about it. I have to call him up and tell him that I’m not returning the kids at the court appointed time. It’s going to be WWIII. If I could avoid talking to him at all, it would definitely be the route I would take. However, it just doesn’t work like that. Not for me anyway.
Here’s the situation: my twin sons need dental surgery. It’s sad to say that at three years of age, their teeth need that kind of attention, but they only receive the care they need in that department half of the time (the half that I have custody). Since they are so young, they have to be taken to the hospital and knocked out. Unfortunately, the only days that their dentist schedules those procedures is on Friday mornings, which is my ex’s custody period.
You would think that my ex would be helpful when it comes to getting them the medical care they need. After all, I carry the insurance on them. He has no out of pocket expense for any of their medical needs, other than over the counter medicines that he would administer during his custody period. I make all the appointments, make sure they arrive at said appointments, and take care of all prescriptions. The only requirement he has it to communicate with me about it.
The communication part is where we have the problem. I’ve tried talking to him numerous times about getting this done in the past year. He won’t talk to me at all. I’ve had the kids’ dentist talk to him about why they need this done. He refuses to cooperate. Simply put, he refuses to let this happen simply because I want this done. The part that really burns me up though is the fact that my hands are tied. I have to do something illegal in order to get my kids taken care of.
I’ve searched for every possible route to get this taken care of without bending or breaking rules. It’s not to save my ex any aggravation, but for the sake of my kids. I have no desire to use them as a weapon in the post-divorce war games that my ex and I play. I’m not even a willing participant in the war games, truth be told. I just wish that the feeling was mutual. It makes me physically ill to have to battle with someone this way. Granted, all the warm feelings that I once felt for this man are like a fart in the wind. Still, I did love him once upon a time. I thought that he had loved me too, in his own warped little way. But regardless of us, I had hoped that he cared enough for the kids not to do this to them. And it’s intentional, no doubt about it. He told the dentist that he didn’t want it done because I did. That’s his only excuse. I want my kids mended, so he fights me on it.
I can’t begin to explain the emotional toll this has taken on me, mainly because it is so unnecessary. The worst part is that it’s not going to be over tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll keep the kids instead of sending them back so that they can get their cavities filled on Friday morning. Tomorrow, I’ll call him and let him know what I’m doing because it is required. Tomorrow, he’ll call me up, I’ll have to answer, and he’ll call me names and threaten me. I imagine that I’ll be served papers for contempt of court in less than two weeks. I am the one breaking a court order, after all. The judge will decide that I was within my rights to do this, no doubt about it. I made sure that those rights were granted to me in the divorce documents. Still, it’s one more unnecessary fight, one more thing that causes the gap to widen, one more thing he’ll hold against me. It means that I’ll have to fight that much harder the next time to get something done.
I suppose, in context, this is why I should be doing my homework right now. A degree means a better job. A better job means a firmer foundation for raising my kids and more money for the court costs. I imagine that I’ll be seeing the inside of the courthouse quite a bit in the upcoming years. Of course, knowing this does nothing to help with my concentration. I wonder if they make a pill to cure ex husbands?
Monday, August 13, 2007
Circles
Well, Sexy broke up with me again. Before anyone gets overly concerned about this, I should point out that we do this on a regular basis. For a while, we were breaking up every other week, sometimes more than that. It never lasts very long. In fact, I was back over at his place the next night.
Actually, it's almost become a game of sorts. He'll turn to me and say, "This isn't going to work out between us. We're at different points in our lives. You're just going to get bored with me and leave." I'll just turn to him, smile, and say, "Okay, see you tomorrow." I know I shouldn't jest when he's dumping me, but you really have to know the two of us. He doesn't want it to end any more than I do. The only reason that this keeps happening is because it's so intense with us. Even I find it frightening from time to time. I just take a different approach than he does. He freaks out. I refuse to think about it and just enjoy the moment.
I suppose that, at some point or another, we'll have to do something about it. We can't keep traveling in this same circle over and over. I've tried talking to him about it, but he doesn't want to talk about it. Truth be told, I don't feel like tearing it apart and analyzing it either. I really don't want to think about it. Thinking about it means doing something. Doing things means changing thing. I don't want it to change. I love what we have. This would be the first relationship in my whole dating history that was exactly the way I wanted it. Of course, if this relationship had happened a few years ago, it would've been a different story.
It's funny, actually. I grew up like every other girl out there, dreaming of picket fences and knights on white horses. I would put on my mom's wedding dress from time to time, stand in front of a mirror and dream. In my dreams the roses would never wilt, the kisses would never end, and two halves made a whole. But reality is much different, isn't it? In my reality, I can count the number of times I've received flowers with one hand and have fingers to spare, kisses became meaningless, and marriage was just a piece of paper. I discovered that what I thought I wanted, wasn't much like what I really wanted at all.
It took me a long time to figure out what was wrong with the painting I had painted in my mind. It took even longer to find out what it was that I really needed to be happy. It was very hard to figure out. It involve a lot of brutal honesty with myself. You can't imagine how hard it is to tell yourself the truth. You don't even realize how often you neglect to tell yourself everything. And even when you know you do it, you will outright lie to yourself to protect this piece of artwork in your mind. The fact is, you just don't want to give up something that you believed in for so long. I dreamt of that picket fence forever. It was all I wanted to do, wanted to be. It was very hard to let that go.
Divorce was pretty hard on me. It was the end of a very long dream. I found myself adrift afterward. It was like being lost in space. All around me was the glow of other dreams, shimmering like stars, but I existed in an emptiness, a void I had no hope of filling. But just when I thought that dreams were for the naive, Sexy comes along.
Please don't get me wrong. Sexy is not a cure-all. He didn't make anything happen for me. The only thing that happened by loving him is that I learned. I learned what it was that I wanted. I learned that the mess that was my marriage had blame at my feet as well. I was guilty of lying to myself. I told myself that if I worked hard enough, any man could be my knight. I had settled, modified, adapted the situation to fit this dream. Only, in the end, I had distorted the dream so much that it was nothing like what it had been. Oh yes, I have guilt in abundance.
Now there is this new man in my life. His intelligence intrigues me. His humor charms me. His passion burns me. His gentelness weakens me. In his presence, I find comfort. In his arms, I find love. It's everything I wanted, and so much more. And yet, it shares a similarity with my marriage. It too is nothing like what I had once dreamt of. There's no picket fence to contain us. There's no rings to bind us. With Sexy, one and one does not equal one, but for the first time in my life that doesn't matter.
Why it does not matter, I couldn't tell you. It's one of those things that I would have to think about, and I'll admit that I'm afraid to approach the subject, even in my own mind. Thinking means changing, after all, and I'm so blissfully happy now. In loving him, I'd found another piece of me that I had lost along the way. I fear losing it again.
I know that, in time, I will have to think about it. You cannot travel in circles forever. We can't keep breaking up, mending things, then starting the cycle over again. There's something that we both need that lies further ahead. I'm not sure what that is right now. The only thing I do know is that it's there. I know, with a certainty that is beyond explaination, that he's the one my heart has longed for all this time. He's touched me deeper than anyone, reached more levels than even I knew existed. It's why I don't think about it. Instead, I live it, feel it, take it all in one moment at a time. I savor the goodness of it. Instead of trying to pump life into the dream, I let it exist on it's own. And I pray. I pray, and then I tell him that I will be there the next day. And the next day. And the next day. Surely it's not a jest when it's true.
Actually, it's almost become a game of sorts. He'll turn to me and say, "This isn't going to work out between us. We're at different points in our lives. You're just going to get bored with me and leave." I'll just turn to him, smile, and say, "Okay, see you tomorrow." I know I shouldn't jest when he's dumping me, but you really have to know the two of us. He doesn't want it to end any more than I do. The only reason that this keeps happening is because it's so intense with us. Even I find it frightening from time to time. I just take a different approach than he does. He freaks out. I refuse to think about it and just enjoy the moment.
I suppose that, at some point or another, we'll have to do something about it. We can't keep traveling in this same circle over and over. I've tried talking to him about it, but he doesn't want to talk about it. Truth be told, I don't feel like tearing it apart and analyzing it either. I really don't want to think about it. Thinking about it means doing something. Doing things means changing thing. I don't want it to change. I love what we have. This would be the first relationship in my whole dating history that was exactly the way I wanted it. Of course, if this relationship had happened a few years ago, it would've been a different story.
It's funny, actually. I grew up like every other girl out there, dreaming of picket fences and knights on white horses. I would put on my mom's wedding dress from time to time, stand in front of a mirror and dream. In my dreams the roses would never wilt, the kisses would never end, and two halves made a whole. But reality is much different, isn't it? In my reality, I can count the number of times I've received flowers with one hand and have fingers to spare, kisses became meaningless, and marriage was just a piece of paper. I discovered that what I thought I wanted, wasn't much like what I really wanted at all.
It took me a long time to figure out what was wrong with the painting I had painted in my mind. It took even longer to find out what it was that I really needed to be happy. It was very hard to figure out. It involve a lot of brutal honesty with myself. You can't imagine how hard it is to tell yourself the truth. You don't even realize how often you neglect to tell yourself everything. And even when you know you do it, you will outright lie to yourself to protect this piece of artwork in your mind. The fact is, you just don't want to give up something that you believed in for so long. I dreamt of that picket fence forever. It was all I wanted to do, wanted to be. It was very hard to let that go.
Divorce was pretty hard on me. It was the end of a very long dream. I found myself adrift afterward. It was like being lost in space. All around me was the glow of other dreams, shimmering like stars, but I existed in an emptiness, a void I had no hope of filling. But just when I thought that dreams were for the naive, Sexy comes along.
Please don't get me wrong. Sexy is not a cure-all. He didn't make anything happen for me. The only thing that happened by loving him is that I learned. I learned what it was that I wanted. I learned that the mess that was my marriage had blame at my feet as well. I was guilty of lying to myself. I told myself that if I worked hard enough, any man could be my knight. I had settled, modified, adapted the situation to fit this dream. Only, in the end, I had distorted the dream so much that it was nothing like what it had been. Oh yes, I have guilt in abundance.
Now there is this new man in my life. His intelligence intrigues me. His humor charms me. His passion burns me. His gentelness weakens me. In his presence, I find comfort. In his arms, I find love. It's everything I wanted, and so much more. And yet, it shares a similarity with my marriage. It too is nothing like what I had once dreamt of. There's no picket fence to contain us. There's no rings to bind us. With Sexy, one and one does not equal one, but for the first time in my life that doesn't matter.
Why it does not matter, I couldn't tell you. It's one of those things that I would have to think about, and I'll admit that I'm afraid to approach the subject, even in my own mind. Thinking means changing, after all, and I'm so blissfully happy now. In loving him, I'd found another piece of me that I had lost along the way. I fear losing it again.
I know that, in time, I will have to think about it. You cannot travel in circles forever. We can't keep breaking up, mending things, then starting the cycle over again. There's something that we both need that lies further ahead. I'm not sure what that is right now. The only thing I do know is that it's there. I know, with a certainty that is beyond explaination, that he's the one my heart has longed for all this time. He's touched me deeper than anyone, reached more levels than even I knew existed. It's why I don't think about it. Instead, I live it, feel it, take it all in one moment at a time. I savor the goodness of it. Instead of trying to pump life into the dream, I let it exist on it's own. And I pray. I pray, and then I tell him that I will be there the next day. And the next day. And the next day. Surely it's not a jest when it's true.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Master Puppeteer (Poem)
Master Puppeteer
I dance and sing
on silver string.
I laugh and cry
with no reason why.
I sit and stand
on your demand.
Master Puppeteer,
I bow to you
with all the gentle rage
and love of youth.
But, I wish you had
spoke the truth.
I grovel and crawl
with no thought at all.
I adore and praise
in a desperate haze.
I act the pet
with no regret.
Master Puppeteer,
I bow to you
with all the gentle rage
and love of youth.
But, I wish you had
spoke the truth.
Master Puppeteer,
I do not pout.
You tell me not to ask
and not to doubt,
yet from these strings
you will not let me out.
I dance and sing
on silver string.
I laugh and cry
with no reason why.
I sit and stand
on your demand.
Master Puppeteer,
I bow to you
with all the gentle rage
and love of youth.
But, I wish you had
spoke the truth.
I grovel and crawl
with no thought at all.
I adore and praise
in a desperate haze.
I act the pet
with no regret.
Master Puppeteer,
I bow to you
with all the gentle rage
and love of youth.
But, I wish you had
spoke the truth.
Master Puppeteer,
I do not pout.
You tell me not to ask
and not to doubt,
yet from these strings
you will not let me out.
No Rest For The Wicked
I've barely had time to stop and rest lately. Day after day seems filled to the brim with non-stop errands and endless tasks. Not that I'm complaining. I'm in a situation of my own making, really. I have this terrible tendency to bite off more than I can chew. Still, it keeps me out of trouble, most of the time.
The new abode is coming along well, minus the few minor glitches. I went up there the other day to do some more work, only to discover that the power had been shut off. I hadn't gotten around to putting the power in my name yet, as I'm not living there, and my aunt and uncle have been dealing with other things. Their son, my cousin, just got back from Iraq due to his wife having a seizure while driving. Luckily, she and the kids were fine. Mainly, she was just a little shook up. Thankfully, she was on her cell phone when she blacked out. I don't condone driving while on the phone, but it turned out to be a blessing. The person she was talking to was able to locate her and get help right away.
So, renovations will have to wait for the moment. I find this a little frustrating. I was having so much fun fixing my place up. I actually got Sexy involve with it too. We spent an evening working on the kitchen, followed by breaking in the massive tub in the master bathroom. Yay, bubbles! Nothing makes a new place feel more like home than taking a long bubble bath with the one you love. The wine and the dancing didn't hurt either. Construction is so much fun! I can't wait to start painting. I've already made Sexy promise to help with that. I get weak in the knees just thinking about it.
Other than renovations, I've been getting myself prepared for another session of school. I'm starting to lose steam in that area. It's been so frustrating, trying to keep up with school while living life. I feel like I spend most of my time cutting out the middle so I can make the ends meet. I realize that, as a parent, those feelings will never go away. No matter where you are in life, a good parent makes sacrifices to provide for their kids, whether it's time, money, or whatever. Still, I thank the Lord that I have Sexy in my life. It's those stolen moments with him that make me feel rejuvenated. For a little while, I'm just me. Not a mother or a sister or a student. Just me. It's what's kept me sane the past couple of years while I dealt with divorce, single parenthood, being a student again, and helping my family though their problems as they helped me through mine.
You can't imagine what it means to have someone look at you and not see a label. When he looks at me, he just sees Anita. I didn't realize how important it was until I lost me. Sounds kinda funny, doesn't it? How does one lose themselves? It's pretty simple actually. Once I had kids, a husband, two jobs and a home to take care of, I forgot that I had me to take care of as well. By the time I realized what was missing, the damage had been done. My marriage was a wreck because my husband was married to someone who didn't exist anymore. He was okay with this. I wasn't. I decided I needed a do-over.
There really isn't such a thing as a "fresh start" in life. I was still a mother. That didn't change. I was still a daughter, sister, and now an ex-wife. I carried a lot of labels with me when I made my change. I even added a few more. Now I'm a student as well. Still, the best label I picked up was Anita. That label is still a work in progress. I'm not sure, exactly, what that label defines at this point, but the discovery part has been a barrel of fun.
I still worry about falling into the same trap as before where I let life roll over me. There's so much that needs to be done by me. There's so many rolls I have to fill. However, now that I'm aware of what I lost, now that I've worked so hard to find it back, I don't think I'll neglect it again. It may be a sin to be totally self-indulgent, but I also think it a sin not to live the life you've been given. If you stop being who you are, what's the point?
So, I'll keep the labels I have. I'll also keep Sexy around to remind me of the person who owns those labels. I won't let the labels own me anymore, even if it seems like they still do from time to time. I'll indulge myself in my spare time, when I can find it. If I can't find it, I'll make it. There may not be any rest for the wicked, but that doesn't mean you can't have fun with the work, does it?
The new abode is coming along well, minus the few minor glitches. I went up there the other day to do some more work, only to discover that the power had been shut off. I hadn't gotten around to putting the power in my name yet, as I'm not living there, and my aunt and uncle have been dealing with other things. Their son, my cousin, just got back from Iraq due to his wife having a seizure while driving. Luckily, she and the kids were fine. Mainly, she was just a little shook up. Thankfully, she was on her cell phone when she blacked out. I don't condone driving while on the phone, but it turned out to be a blessing. The person she was talking to was able to locate her and get help right away.
So, renovations will have to wait for the moment. I find this a little frustrating. I was having so much fun fixing my place up. I actually got Sexy involve with it too. We spent an evening working on the kitchen, followed by breaking in the massive tub in the master bathroom. Yay, bubbles! Nothing makes a new place feel more like home than taking a long bubble bath with the one you love. The wine and the dancing didn't hurt either. Construction is so much fun! I can't wait to start painting. I've already made Sexy promise to help with that. I get weak in the knees just thinking about it.
Other than renovations, I've been getting myself prepared for another session of school. I'm starting to lose steam in that area. It's been so frustrating, trying to keep up with school while living life. I feel like I spend most of my time cutting out the middle so I can make the ends meet. I realize that, as a parent, those feelings will never go away. No matter where you are in life, a good parent makes sacrifices to provide for their kids, whether it's time, money, or whatever. Still, I thank the Lord that I have Sexy in my life. It's those stolen moments with him that make me feel rejuvenated. For a little while, I'm just me. Not a mother or a sister or a student. Just me. It's what's kept me sane the past couple of years while I dealt with divorce, single parenthood, being a student again, and helping my family though their problems as they helped me through mine.
You can't imagine what it means to have someone look at you and not see a label. When he looks at me, he just sees Anita. I didn't realize how important it was until I lost me. Sounds kinda funny, doesn't it? How does one lose themselves? It's pretty simple actually. Once I had kids, a husband, two jobs and a home to take care of, I forgot that I had me to take care of as well. By the time I realized what was missing, the damage had been done. My marriage was a wreck because my husband was married to someone who didn't exist anymore. He was okay with this. I wasn't. I decided I needed a do-over.
There really isn't such a thing as a "fresh start" in life. I was still a mother. That didn't change. I was still a daughter, sister, and now an ex-wife. I carried a lot of labels with me when I made my change. I even added a few more. Now I'm a student as well. Still, the best label I picked up was Anita. That label is still a work in progress. I'm not sure, exactly, what that label defines at this point, but the discovery part has been a barrel of fun.
I still worry about falling into the same trap as before where I let life roll over me. There's so much that needs to be done by me. There's so many rolls I have to fill. However, now that I'm aware of what I lost, now that I've worked so hard to find it back, I don't think I'll neglect it again. It may be a sin to be totally self-indulgent, but I also think it a sin not to live the life you've been given. If you stop being who you are, what's the point?
So, I'll keep the labels I have. I'll also keep Sexy around to remind me of the person who owns those labels. I won't let the labels own me anymore, even if it seems like they still do from time to time. I'll indulge myself in my spare time, when I can find it. If I can't find it, I'll make it. There may not be any rest for the wicked, but that doesn't mean you can't have fun with the work, does it?
Friday, August 3, 2007
Casting Stones
It's been a while since my last post. Life just runs away with you, doesn't it? I feel like I have to schedule time to eat and breathe any more. Of course, some of this is my fault. It would help if I didn't spend all of my spare time in the evenings chasing my fella, but it's just so much fun. Lately, we've been spending a lot of time behaving like a couple of hormone driven teenagers. No public venue is safe! Seems kinda funny when I think about it. I approached every relationship before this with maturity and responsibility. Now, I'm behaving like every moment we're together without our tongues lodged down each other's throat is a wasted moment. Funny how this relationship is more solid than the previous ones. Ours is not a conventional romance, and I thank my lucky stars.
Anyway, it was one of these moments with my gent that provided me with tonight's topic. My Sexy and I were standing outside his apartment when I asked him if he wanted to browse through the local adult store. Just so you don't misunderstand, I didn't issue this invitation because my whip is frayed and my dildo busted. I didn't plan on picking up a video involving loose women and farm animals. All I had in mind was massage oils, possibly an ostrich feather or those dice that give you some suggestions on the various ways you can pay attention to various parts of the body. Quite simply, my boy and I don't need much extra. We strike sparks between us with a look. However, Sexy thought this was a bad idea. Seems that a Baptist minister and his wife live nearby and take shifts with their binoculars. Apparently, they are gathering the plate numbers of every vehicle that visits this establishment to post on a website.
So, instead of spending a couple of bucks on a bottle of oil and a relaxing evening indoors (for a change), we sneak up to his folks house, park down the street, tip-toe through their yard, quietly remove our clothes and go for a swim in the pool behind their house. Like I said, being with him is like being a teenager all over again, only this time, more fun. We splashed around a lot, woke up the neighborhood dogs (which proceeded to bark like mad) and had a glorious time. Thank goodness his parents have double paned glass in their windows, or things could've become very embarrassing, very quickly.
So, a couple of days has passed now. I was just thinking today that I still need to get some massage oil. I know, I know, oils and lotions are everywhere. I don't need to patron an adult store for this. However, I'm very picky when it comes to a purchase of this nature. I love giving massages. I do my best work when I have the right tool. I also have a sensitivity to certain smells. Sweet smells make me sick to my stomach. Musky smells do the same. I prefer something more earthy for this. Plus, you have to get massage oil. Lotion just doesn't work the same and can have unpleasant side effects. So, best place to find what I'm looking for without spending an arm and a leg? An adult store, of course. And guess what?! There's one conveniently located near me. Only, if I go there, my plate number is going to end up on the Internet. And while I'm not embarrassed to walk into a store like this, I do see how having this advertised could cause me problems in the future. A prospective employer, for example, might make an incorrect assessment of my character based on this info.
I find this situation a little bothersome, not because I'm blocked from getting what I want (I'm really not after all) but because it's a minister that is doing this. Hypocrites are my biggest pet-peeve. This man and his wife are casting stones at strangers because they are different from them. They are trying to wound other human beings because they don't agree with what these people purchase. Hell, they're not even trying to find out what these people purchase! They simply want to hurt them based on the doors they walk through. This minister is teaching a code of ethics that he's not living by, and it makes me mad.
I wish I could come face to face with this minister. I would have one sentence to say to him: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" Okay, I'd have more to say to him than that. I'd also tell him that the position of "Judge for all Mankind" has been filled a long time ago by someone far more qualified than he. Then, I'd point out that he and I are not that different. I like giving massages because people bear their "crosses" on their backs, most often than not. By this, I mean that the stress from carrying their burdens end up directly in their back muscles. By something as simple as a back massage, you can help lift people of their burdens, even for a short amount of time. A gentle touch and a thoughtful act make people feel loved and more capable of facing their challenges. They're more likely to have a positive attitude when receive even a simple pleasure like this. They're also more likely to spread their good fortune around and help lighten someone else's burden. Basically, I'm making the world a better place, one back at a time. I'm using the skills that God gave me to make a difference in the lives of others. But do you think the minister thinks of this? Nope, he casts a stone at this lowly sinner and thinks his own pious soul is untouchable. He tells others how to be good Christians but doesn't look in the mirror.
I can see how he could take offense to an adult store. I am not criticizing his dislike of it. If his belief is that it is wrong, then he must hold firm to his beliefs. In other words, don't visit the place if you don't want to be there. However, he should also keep in mind that there are those who differ from him in their beliefs. It doesn't make them wrong, just different. Even if his beliefs are the right ones, that doesn't give him the right to judge the beliefs of others. At the end of the day, he is human and flawed, just like the rest of us. We have been designed to be flawed. It is up to our own selves to be aware of our flaws and rectify them. The only thing else we should do is be tolerant of the flaws that others possess. And do NOT be a hypocrite! In fact, let's make it a commandment. Thou shalt not point fingers and avoid the mirror.
Anyway, it was one of these moments with my gent that provided me with tonight's topic. My Sexy and I were standing outside his apartment when I asked him if he wanted to browse through the local adult store. Just so you don't misunderstand, I didn't issue this invitation because my whip is frayed and my dildo busted. I didn't plan on picking up a video involving loose women and farm animals. All I had in mind was massage oils, possibly an ostrich feather or those dice that give you some suggestions on the various ways you can pay attention to various parts of the body. Quite simply, my boy and I don't need much extra. We strike sparks between us with a look. However, Sexy thought this was a bad idea. Seems that a Baptist minister and his wife live nearby and take shifts with their binoculars. Apparently, they are gathering the plate numbers of every vehicle that visits this establishment to post on a website.
So, instead of spending a couple of bucks on a bottle of oil and a relaxing evening indoors (for a change), we sneak up to his folks house, park down the street, tip-toe through their yard, quietly remove our clothes and go for a swim in the pool behind their house. Like I said, being with him is like being a teenager all over again, only this time, more fun. We splashed around a lot, woke up the neighborhood dogs (which proceeded to bark like mad) and had a glorious time. Thank goodness his parents have double paned glass in their windows, or things could've become very embarrassing, very quickly.
So, a couple of days has passed now. I was just thinking today that I still need to get some massage oil. I know, I know, oils and lotions are everywhere. I don't need to patron an adult store for this. However, I'm very picky when it comes to a purchase of this nature. I love giving massages. I do my best work when I have the right tool. I also have a sensitivity to certain smells. Sweet smells make me sick to my stomach. Musky smells do the same. I prefer something more earthy for this. Plus, you have to get massage oil. Lotion just doesn't work the same and can have unpleasant side effects. So, best place to find what I'm looking for without spending an arm and a leg? An adult store, of course. And guess what?! There's one conveniently located near me. Only, if I go there, my plate number is going to end up on the Internet. And while I'm not embarrassed to walk into a store like this, I do see how having this advertised could cause me problems in the future. A prospective employer, for example, might make an incorrect assessment of my character based on this info.
I find this situation a little bothersome, not because I'm blocked from getting what I want (I'm really not after all) but because it's a minister that is doing this. Hypocrites are my biggest pet-peeve. This man and his wife are casting stones at strangers because they are different from them. They are trying to wound other human beings because they don't agree with what these people purchase. Hell, they're not even trying to find out what these people purchase! They simply want to hurt them based on the doors they walk through. This minister is teaching a code of ethics that he's not living by, and it makes me mad.
I wish I could come face to face with this minister. I would have one sentence to say to him: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" Okay, I'd have more to say to him than that. I'd also tell him that the position of "Judge for all Mankind" has been filled a long time ago by someone far more qualified than he. Then, I'd point out that he and I are not that different. I like giving massages because people bear their "crosses" on their backs, most often than not. By this, I mean that the stress from carrying their burdens end up directly in their back muscles. By something as simple as a back massage, you can help lift people of their burdens, even for a short amount of time. A gentle touch and a thoughtful act make people feel loved and more capable of facing their challenges. They're more likely to have a positive attitude when receive even a simple pleasure like this. They're also more likely to spread their good fortune around and help lighten someone else's burden. Basically, I'm making the world a better place, one back at a time. I'm using the skills that God gave me to make a difference in the lives of others. But do you think the minister thinks of this? Nope, he casts a stone at this lowly sinner and thinks his own pious soul is untouchable. He tells others how to be good Christians but doesn't look in the mirror.
I can see how he could take offense to an adult store. I am not criticizing his dislike of it. If his belief is that it is wrong, then he must hold firm to his beliefs. In other words, don't visit the place if you don't want to be there. However, he should also keep in mind that there are those who differ from him in their beliefs. It doesn't make them wrong, just different. Even if his beliefs are the right ones, that doesn't give him the right to judge the beliefs of others. At the end of the day, he is human and flawed, just like the rest of us. We have been designed to be flawed. It is up to our own selves to be aware of our flaws and rectify them. The only thing else we should do is be tolerant of the flaws that others possess. And do NOT be a hypocrite! In fact, let's make it a commandment. Thou shalt not point fingers and avoid the mirror.
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