Brain Blisters

It's 1 a.m. and I'm still waiting for the kiddies to fall asleep. It's been a long day. I didn't have the kids all day. It's one of my exchange days with my ex, so I don't get my kids until evening, but they always come back grumpy, yet wired. It's always crazy in my house on exchange night.

I figured that while I waited on them to drift into dreamland, I would use that time to post another blog. Of course, I have a million other things to do, but I really needed to download. When I get too much going on in my head, I lose track of what I'm supposed to be doing and end up frustrated and easily agitated. This does not bode well when you add on three terribly tired toddlers.

So, here's the score. I'm steering my brain away from the frustration before me and dealing with the brain blisters that have been rubbing me the wrong way before tonight.

For those who have been keeping up with my blog, you know that Sexy and I broke up, only we were back together (sorta) the next night. Since then, Sexy broke up with me again. Like I said, this is a pretty normal occurrence with us. I decided, however, to give him a little space this time. In part, this was because I knew that the way our relationship was going was leaving him with some confused feelings. I know the past two years have been difficult for him. He's been mending from his last serious relationship and at times I bear a striking resemblance to his ex (not physically, just in deeds). Part of the reason I decided to give him space though, was because I was becoming confused about his feelings for me. When you ride an emotional roller coaster with someone, like I have been with Sexy, there's so much room for doubt.

I wasn't planning on explaining my confusion, but I don't think I can explain everything else without giving the details. You see, for two years I have been running to him. When he called, I ran. I didn't hesitate. I wanted to be there with him more than anything. Despite my fears and the constant ups and downs, there was a deep knowledge within me that if such a thing as soul mates existed, then he was mine. I didn't come to this lightly. Lord knows, I tried to fight it. It was the wrong time. It wasn't in my game plan. I had just left my husband, I was trying to get back into school and get my life straight, and I knew that I needed some time away from men, to be frank. I needed to strike out on my own and be a success before I could commit myself to someone else again. But love doesn't wait for the right time. Love comes when love is ready. It makes the time right, not the other way around. And this freak coincidence brings Sexy into my life. I needed him, despite my strong desire not to need anyone. He needed me, though he tries so hard not to. This was the foundation for it all. Two people who find each other shortly after losing everything, dreams as well as property. We were both trying to conquer life all over again on our own terms. But no one can do it alone. It's hard to admit it, even now. Human beings are just not cut out to lead a solitary life. That's why it takes two people to create a new life.

So here I am, trying so hard to be a role model my children can be proud of, trying to show them that it's okay to fight for the right to be respected. I certainly found no respect from my ex husband. And it was knowing that my children were likely to learn from this relationship and more than likely copy it that made me change it. I knew that I wanted my children to know how to respect their partner and be respected in return. This is where my fears and confusion come into play.

Deep within my heart, I feel that Sexy wants the same thing I want. Deep withing my heart, I know that he feels the same connection that I feel. I don't know how to explain it in any words that would do it justice. When I am with him, when he smiles at me, I am at peace. It's the only true peace I've known in my life. When I am away from him, I hunger. Not just for his touch, but for the sound of his voice, the scent of his cologne, the feel of his arms, the taste of his lips. I crave that peace that I have never known anywhere else. I long for that feeling of rightness and perfection that I washes over me while in his presence. And deep within my heart, I believe it is the same for him.

I just wish my heart and my mind said the same thing. While my heart says that we're made for each other, my mind is telling me that this relationship is no different from the ones that preceded it. It says that I'm just a tool for Sexy, a space filler. It says that if he wanted things to work between us then he'd give us a chance and stop breaking up with me every other week on average. Oh, my wicked, wicked mind. That devil perched upon my shoulder. It tells me that my heart lies and wages a war with it so devastating that I know longer know what the truth is. Am I a fool to stay or a fool to go?

I've been dealing with this conflict for quite some time. I've been taking apart every aspect of my relationship with Sexy and studying it with a microscope. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be an answer there. Some of the things that Sexy does confirms the message of my heart and others of my mind. My greatest fear and my greatest hope is that there will be no answers. I'm afraid to know the truth and afraid not to.

So this is my mental and emotional stance. Each has its moments to tip the scale, based largely on what Sexy says and does. Sometimes my heart cries out to challenge the walls he has built, and sometimes my mind says that I'm being played for a fool. It's utterly confusing and is taking quite a toll on me. I'm so afraid of making the wrong decision that I fail to act and I despise myself for being so afraid. Still, I know that if there is a way for us and I walk away from it because it's not easy enough for me I will have lost one of the most precious things I could ever have in my life. I also know that finding out that I mean nothing to him after giving so much of myself to him would be equally devastating. So I wait. I wait for a sign, for a truth. I wait, and I hunger, and I hold on to that roller coaster for dear life, hoping it won't throw me.

I think the kiddies are asleep now. I suppose I should get on with getting on. I have a never-ending pile of laundry to tackle and a mass of papers to go through and file. I know that life doesn't pause so you can collect yourself, but it sure would be nice on occasion.

This entry hasn't begun to explain everything, but it will have to do for tonight. With any luck, I will have an opportunity to explain further another time. Honestly, I sometime feel as though I will explode if I don't get it out, so I imagine that it won't be long before the whole sorted story gets published. Maybe by writing, I will find an answer. Or maybe, by unloading my anguish, I will find the peace and strength to go on. Who knows? Maybe someone who reads this knows my Sexy and will tell him how much he means to me. Stranger things have happened.