I've barely had time to stop and rest lately. Day after day seems filled to the brim with non-stop errands and endless tasks. Not that I'm complaining. I'm in a situation of my own making, really. I have this terrible tendency to bite off more than I can chew. Still, it keeps me out of trouble, most of the time.
The new abode is coming along well, minus the few minor glitches. I went up there the other day to do some more work, only to discover that the power had been shut off. I hadn't gotten around to putting the power in my name yet, as I'm not living there, and my aunt and uncle have been dealing with other things. Their son, my cousin, just got back from Iraq due to his wife having a seizure while driving. Luckily, she and the kids were fine. Mainly, she was just a little shook up. Thankfully, she was on her cell phone when she blacked out. I don't condone driving while on the phone, but it turned out to be a blessing. The person she was talking to was able to locate her and get help right away.
So, renovations will have to wait for the moment. I find this a little frustrating. I was having so much fun fixing my place up. I actually got Sexy involve with it too. We spent an evening working on the kitchen, followed by breaking in the massive tub in the master bathroom. Yay, bubbles! Nothing makes a new place feel more like home than taking a long bubble bath with the one you love. The wine and the dancing didn't hurt either. Construction is so much fun! I can't wait to start painting. I've already made Sexy promise to help with that. I get weak in the knees just thinking about it.
Other than renovations, I've been getting myself prepared for another session of school. I'm starting to lose steam in that area. It's been so frustrating, trying to keep up with school while living life. I feel like I spend most of my time cutting out the middle so I can make the ends meet. I realize that, as a parent, those feelings will never go away. No matter where you are in life, a good parent makes sacrifices to provide for their kids, whether it's time, money, or whatever. Still, I thank the Lord that I have Sexy in my life. It's those stolen moments with him that make me feel rejuvenated. For a little while, I'm just me. Not a mother or a sister or a student. Just me. It's what's kept me sane the past couple of years while I dealt with divorce, single parenthood, being a student again, and helping my family though their problems as they helped me through mine.
You can't imagine what it means to have someone look at you and not see a label. When he looks at me, he just sees Anita. I didn't realize how important it was until I lost me. Sounds kinda funny, doesn't it? How does one lose themselves? It's pretty simple actually. Once I had kids, a husband, two jobs and a home to take care of, I forgot that I had me to take care of as well. By the time I realized what was missing, the damage had been done. My marriage was a wreck because my husband was married to someone who didn't exist anymore. He was okay with this. I wasn't. I decided I needed a do-over.
There really isn't such a thing as a "fresh start" in life. I was still a mother. That didn't change. I was still a daughter, sister, and now an ex-wife. I carried a lot of labels with me when I made my change. I even added a few more. Now I'm a student as well. Still, the best label I picked up was Anita. That label is still a work in progress. I'm not sure, exactly, what that label defines at this point, but the discovery part has been a barrel of fun.
I still worry about falling into the same trap as before where I let life roll over me. There's so much that needs to be done by me. There's so many rolls I have to fill. However, now that I'm aware of what I lost, now that I've worked so hard to find it back, I don't think I'll neglect it again. It may be a sin to be totally self-indulgent, but I also think it a sin not to live the life you've been given. If you stop being who you are, what's the point?
So, I'll keep the labels I have. I'll also keep Sexy around to remind me of the person who owns those labels. I won't let the labels own me anymore, even if it seems like they still do from time to time. I'll indulge myself in my spare time, when I can find it. If I can't find it, I'll make it. There may not be any rest for the wicked, but that doesn't mean you can't have fun with the work, does it?
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