September 11, 2008
Jog # 5: I jogged for another 15 minutes this morning. I know I should have tried to push it to 20, but I wanted to make sure that I had plenty of time to get back to the house to prepare to get the girls ready for school. Not to mention, it started to sprinkle the last couple minutes of my run.
Anyhoo, I’m feeling slightly bruised right now. I’m pretty sore from doing all this physical labor around the house (hauling bathrooms up and down stairs, unloading the demolition waste at the dump by myself, climbing up and down the stairs to do laundry, etc.). The running eased the stiffness for a while, but only added to it later. However, I have noticed that my shoulder has finally eased a little.
I’m not sure if I’m going to run tomorrow. I know I should, but I am still pretty stiff. I do know that, run or not, I need to find a new route to run. The same ol’ laps are getting boring and I need to add a few smaller hills to it (much as I hate to). Right now it’s pretty level.
Then again, maybe I shouldn’t change it. Handsome said that after I work myself up to 30 minutes, we’d start working on speed. According to the Army, a woman in my age bracket should be able to run 2 miles in 18 minutes or under. Seriously, 2 miles gets so much longer the faster you take it.
Anyway, time to quite complaining and try to work out my aching muscles in the shower. I need heat! And hey, soap wouldn’t hurt either, lol!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Unspoken III (Poem)
Unspoken III
Don’t know why I called you.
I know it’s all so wrong, but I
can’t help it. I just did.
We laughed and talked about
a past that seems so long, but there
was so much left unsaid.
A carefully orchestrated mess.
We danced around all the pain and ugliness
though we both recalled it.
Both of us had some truth to say,
but we both spent the time just too damn afraid
and there was so much left unsaid.
Don’t know why I called you.
I know it’s all so wrong, but I
can’t help it. I just did.
I know the past is somewhere
we just don’t belong, and there
was too much left unsaid.
A carefully orchestrated mess.
We danced around all the pain and loneliness
though we can’t forget it.
Both of us had some truth to say,
but we both let our foolish pride get in the way
and still there’s so much left unsaid.
There is so much left unsaid.
Jog Journal
Jog # 3: I ran for over 10 minutes straight this morning without stopping. Well, ran is too fast of a term. I plodded along at a healthy pace. Hmmmm,……better. Anyway, I didn’t start this at the first jog, which is just as well since the first one was hardly a jog at all. I made it one block before tripping on my shoe string and falling. After that, it was downhill from there, or all uphill rather, both ways, in the snow…..barefoot. Okay, okay, not that bad! It was uphill both ways though. That truly is possible, but only in Missouri.
So, first run sucked. I was huffing and blowing like an eighty year old asthmatic trying to blow out candles on a birthday cake. Second run was a little better, but not much. Then, I waited about a week before taking run number three, which is where this journal begins. I know I shouldn’t have waited so long to run again, but I couldn’t help myself. This running thing is no picnic and the first two attempts left me stiff as a corpse. I haven’t seemed to suffer unduly as a result of waiting so long either, so I can’t say that I regret it too much.
So, benefits that I have gained so far: even though my chest has felt like it was in a vise for hours after each jog, I can’t say it’s a bad thing because I haven’t smoked as much as a result. I can’t even think about smoking for 4 to 5 hours after a jog. I simply don’t have the strength to pull a drag. Other than that, I haven’t seen any benefits yet.
My goals for this thing goes as follows: 1). To increase my energy levels. 2). To lose the 15 extra pounds I have gained in the last 4 months. 3). To be able to keep up with my kids. Pretty simple, right?
So, first run sucked. I was huffing and blowing like an eighty year old asthmatic trying to blow out candles on a birthday cake. Second run was a little better, but not much. Then, I waited about a week before taking run number three, which is where this journal begins. I know I shouldn’t have waited so long to run again, but I couldn’t help myself. This running thing is no picnic and the first two attempts left me stiff as a corpse. I haven’t seemed to suffer unduly as a result of waiting so long either, so I can’t say that I regret it too much.
So, benefits that I have gained so far: even though my chest has felt like it was in a vise for hours after each jog, I can’t say it’s a bad thing because I haven’t smoked as much as a result. I can’t even think about smoking for 4 to 5 hours after a jog. I simply don’t have the strength to pull a drag. Other than that, I haven’t seen any benefits yet.
My goals for this thing goes as follows: 1). To increase my energy levels. 2). To lose the 15 extra pounds I have gained in the last 4 months. 3). To be able to keep up with my kids. Pretty simple, right?
Previously Known As.....
Have you ever been put in a situation where you had to step out of the role that you previously filled to step into a role you never thought you’d be in? It seems like I’ve been doing just that for the past 6 years. First, I stepped out of the role of irresponsible party girl to become Suzie Homemaker. Then I left Suzie Homemaker for Divorced, Single Mom. After that, I changed back into Suzie Homemaker with a little added twist. Now, I’m Commando Mom (complete with power tools)! I can juggle six kids, remodel bathrooms, and even fold a fitted sheet!
Seriously, being with Handsome (previously known as Ssg.) has to be the strangest relationship I’ve ever been in, simply based on the changes in myself. I really am a girly-girl at heart. I like to paint my nails, scream and cry like a baby when a spider comes near, hate touching anything moldy, rotten, spoiled or decaying. I don’t run for exercise. I’m terrible at staying organized. I’m the last person in the world I thought would be capable of doing what I’ve been doing.
I kid you not. I have been taking care of six kids (ages 4-8) for a couple of months. Handsome has three kids from previous relationships, I have three kids from a previous relationship. Together, we’re a modern day Brady Bunch. And while he doesn’t have full custody of two of his kids, we have had them for part of Summer break, and I’m missing a few brain cells. They’ve been burned out by stress.
As far as the bathroom goes, I have been hauling toilets out of the house, loading them in Handsome’s truck, unloading the truck at the dump (by myself). I’ve been helping install shower stalls (one piece, for those who understand how truly heavy that is and how badly the fiberglass on the outside of the stall makes you itch). I had to help take the new dang shower down the stairs, and the fun part is that the last step is now missing due to neglect.
I’ve been keeping track of all of Handsome’s Army gear, because I finally met someone less organized than I am. I’ve been keeping track of all the kids activities, all of their belongings, all of their medical appointments and everything else that a Mom does and gets no credit for. It blows my mind too, because I am so incapable of being organized. I’m what I like to call a functional dysfunctional individual. I have my quirks, but I have learned to work with them instead of against them. This does not extend beyond my own functionality, however. I’ve discovered that no one else in this house can work with my chaotic system. So, big changes. I had to get organized (to a point). The hardest part is that I’ve had to stay that way. This is where I struggle. It goes so far against my natural programming.
And speaking of natural programming, it also goes against my nature to do any physical activity that I’m not absolutely required to do. My idea of sports is fishing and horseback riding, and I don’t mean bucking broncos, I mean a gentle little mare who couldn’t make it beyond a light trot unless a wolf was nipping at her heals. Any sport you can sit through is a good sport.
Now, however, I’ve taken up jogging. It’s crazy! I haven’t run more than a few seconds since grade school. Make no mistake, it wasn’t a strong desire to that got me started. What happened, as Handsome would say, is that I reached that magical age where my hips explode and apply for their own zip code. It hasn’t gotten out of hand yet, but I am unable to fit into most of my jeans.
So, recap: I’m touching fiberglass and moldy gypsum barehanded to remodel a bathroom, I’m getting up earlier than necessary to go jogging down the street, I’m organizing a household that has a natural tendency to be a disaster, and I haven’t painted my nails in about 8 months. I’ve had to get tough, and I hate being tough. I want to be a sissy. I don’t think Commando Mom gets to be a sissy, however. And despite it being totally against my grain, I find that I really do enjoy the new role. I’m proud of the changes I made for my family. I just wish I could have a day, now and again, where I can give myself a pedicure or go fishing. Is that too much to ask?
Seriously, being with Handsome (previously known as Ssg.) has to be the strangest relationship I’ve ever been in, simply based on the changes in myself. I really am a girly-girl at heart. I like to paint my nails, scream and cry like a baby when a spider comes near, hate touching anything moldy, rotten, spoiled or decaying. I don’t run for exercise. I’m terrible at staying organized. I’m the last person in the world I thought would be capable of doing what I’ve been doing.
I kid you not. I have been taking care of six kids (ages 4-8) for a couple of months. Handsome has three kids from previous relationships, I have three kids from a previous relationship. Together, we’re a modern day Brady Bunch. And while he doesn’t have full custody of two of his kids, we have had them for part of Summer break, and I’m missing a few brain cells. They’ve been burned out by stress.
As far as the bathroom goes, I have been hauling toilets out of the house, loading them in Handsome’s truck, unloading the truck at the dump (by myself). I’ve been helping install shower stalls (one piece, for those who understand how truly heavy that is and how badly the fiberglass on the outside of the stall makes you itch). I had to help take the new dang shower down the stairs, and the fun part is that the last step is now missing due to neglect.
I’ve been keeping track of all of Handsome’s Army gear, because I finally met someone less organized than I am. I’ve been keeping track of all the kids activities, all of their belongings, all of their medical appointments and everything else that a Mom does and gets no credit for. It blows my mind too, because I am so incapable of being organized. I’m what I like to call a functional dysfunctional individual. I have my quirks, but I have learned to work with them instead of against them. This does not extend beyond my own functionality, however. I’ve discovered that no one else in this house can work with my chaotic system. So, big changes. I had to get organized (to a point). The hardest part is that I’ve had to stay that way. This is where I struggle. It goes so far against my natural programming.
And speaking of natural programming, it also goes against my nature to do any physical activity that I’m not absolutely required to do. My idea of sports is fishing and horseback riding, and I don’t mean bucking broncos, I mean a gentle little mare who couldn’t make it beyond a light trot unless a wolf was nipping at her heals. Any sport you can sit through is a good sport.
Now, however, I’ve taken up jogging. It’s crazy! I haven’t run more than a few seconds since grade school. Make no mistake, it wasn’t a strong desire to that got me started. What happened, as Handsome would say, is that I reached that magical age where my hips explode and apply for their own zip code. It hasn’t gotten out of hand yet, but I am unable to fit into most of my jeans.
So, recap: I’m touching fiberglass and moldy gypsum barehanded to remodel a bathroom, I’m getting up earlier than necessary to go jogging down the street, I’m organizing a household that has a natural tendency to be a disaster, and I haven’t painted my nails in about 8 months. I’ve had to get tough, and I hate being tough. I want to be a sissy. I don’t think Commando Mom gets to be a sissy, however. And despite it being totally against my grain, I find that I really do enjoy the new role. I’m proud of the changes I made for my family. I just wish I could have a day, now and again, where I can give myself a pedicure or go fishing. Is that too much to ask?
Sunday, August 31, 2008
The more things change, the more things stay the same. I can't tell you how often I have heard these words from my parents, but I didn't understand the meaning until now.
My chaotic life has carried me forward. I have been living with Ssg. for several months now. It feels like forever. I can't tell you how different this relationship is from all the ones I've been in before. This man is my perfect half. We work so well together in almost every aspect of our relationship. He makes me laugh, he lifts my spirits when I am down, he motivates me, he challenges me. So short of a time together and he knows me better than any other man has known me.
So why do I keep thinking about Sexy? It's been forever since I have communicated with him. I have spent this whole time with a man who loves and appreciates me. I have the man that every woman claims to desire. Strong, sensitive, passionate, caring, a loving father, a hard worker, a provider, a romantic. He admits when he's wrong. He treats me like a princess. What the heck is wrong with me!?
I want to know. Honestly, I do. I need to know why I can still smell Sexy's cologne, feel his hair through my fingers (his hair was sooooo soft!), why can I still feel him, taste him, hear him?
Okay, I admit, Sexy is the better lover of the two. Surely that is such a petty reason to still be missing him so much. Surely, I'm beyond that. I mean, Ssg. isn't bad. He's attentive, passionate, and he wants so badly to please me. We have a wonderful love life. Ssg. is definately in my top two.
I guess I just want to know why I'm even entertaining thoughts of Sexy. Sexy is a good man, but he wasn't good for me. Ssg. is good for me in every way. I really can't explain it better than to say he is the other half of me. If I was a dude, I'd be him. And nothing in this world could make me want to hurt him. I don't want to lose what I have with him. I have no reason to be thinking of some other guy. But I can't seem to stop myself. Sexy had such an impact on me, and I don't know how to shake him.
My chaotic life has carried me forward. I have been living with Ssg. for several months now. It feels like forever. I can't tell you how different this relationship is from all the ones I've been in before. This man is my perfect half. We work so well together in almost every aspect of our relationship. He makes me laugh, he lifts my spirits when I am down, he motivates me, he challenges me. So short of a time together and he knows me better than any other man has known me.
So why do I keep thinking about Sexy? It's been forever since I have communicated with him. I have spent this whole time with a man who loves and appreciates me. I have the man that every woman claims to desire. Strong, sensitive, passionate, caring, a loving father, a hard worker, a provider, a romantic. He admits when he's wrong. He treats me like a princess. What the heck is wrong with me!?
I want to know. Honestly, I do. I need to know why I can still smell Sexy's cologne, feel his hair through my fingers (his hair was sooooo soft!), why can I still feel him, taste him, hear him?
Okay, I admit, Sexy is the better lover of the two. Surely that is such a petty reason to still be missing him so much. Surely, I'm beyond that. I mean, Ssg. isn't bad. He's attentive, passionate, and he wants so badly to please me. We have a wonderful love life. Ssg. is definately in my top two.
I guess I just want to know why I'm even entertaining thoughts of Sexy. Sexy is a good man, but he wasn't good for me. Ssg. is good for me in every way. I really can't explain it better than to say he is the other half of me. If I was a dude, I'd be him. And nothing in this world could make me want to hurt him. I don't want to lose what I have with him. I have no reason to be thinking of some other guy. But I can't seem to stop myself. Sexy had such an impact on me, and I don't know how to shake him.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Longing For You (Poem)
Longing For You
He makes me laugh;
something I forgot to do
all the days I spent with you.
Too busy crying.
I fought so hard
just to be there by your side.
Now, I hardly even try.
More satisfying
when the one you’re with
gives back part of himself.
So, I can’t understand
why I find myself…..
Longing for you.
Admit, it’s true,
and I don’t want
this thing to be.
But, I still find
you on my mind.
No, he can’t kill
your memory.
He wants more
that you ever did.
I feel like such a fool
longing for you.
He makes me smile,
says the things you never could,
gives the love you never would.
He adores me.
I just can’t stand
how I lie awake at night.
I know that it isn't right
to feel this need.
And I hate how much
I still want your caress.
He gives me all I ask for
but I still find myself….
Longing for you.
Admit, it’s true,
and I don’t want
this thing to be.
But, I still find
you on my mind.
No, he can’t kill
your memory.
He wants me more
than you ever did.
I feel like such a fool
longing for you.
Hellooooooooo out there!
It's been a while since I last blogged and I wonder if I even remember how. I can't imagine it's anything like riding a bike. More like falling off one really. I spew out words over and over and they crash onto my screen like a bucket of paint thrown onto a canvas. I wonder if anyone will make sense out of my chaos this evening.
I've been a busy girl lately. I'm still seeing the Sargent. Things are going quite well, actually. I should be moving in with him sometime in the next month. Talk about change. I swore once that I'd be happy to get married again as long as I never had to live with the guy. Now I'm moving in with Ssg. and we're not even married.
Of course, the "M" word has come up in conversation a time or two, and just as quickly, the subject gets changed. It's mutual. That's why I love the guy. He agrees with me on just about everything. Well, that and he treats me like a princess.
To say that I'm happy wouldn't be the complete truth. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what I'm feeling. Yes, there's a sense of completeness that I feel about the latest decision to try the picket fence thing again. There's also a sense of loss that I can't quite explain. Or maybe I can explain it but don't wish to, not even to myself. Everything is still so sensitive, so delicate. I'm walking this fine line and I feel as though I will fall if I stop to examine things too closely. I know it has a lot to do with Sexy. It always has to do with him.
I've run into him a time or two since things ended with him. He knows I'm seeing Ssg. and he knows I'm moving to the Ft. Leonardwood area. He doesn't have much to say about it all; only questions if I'm doing the right thing. For that matter, so do I. But then, I think about how Ssg. goes to church with me, how he played his guitar for me while I took a bath, how he now has a stitches count of 13 because he's been burning the candle at both ends trying to remodel this house for us. Everything he does is about building a relationship with me.
Anyway, perhaps I'm just a little gun shy about relationships. It could even be that I'm not used to someone putting in that much effort when it comes to me. Sexy is a good man, but he's a terrible boyfriend. Ssg. is both a good man and an excellent boyfriend. It's taking some getting used to.
Well, the latest storm is winding down, and so am I. I should be getting some sleep. I have the chitlins tonight and they will be up early in the morning. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still alive and doing fine. Next time, I'll tell y'all about the fine abode that Ssg. is building for me. It's a dump now, but it has some amazing potential. I just thank God that I'm dating a man who knows what the heck he's doing. I just pray that I know what I'm doing too.
I've been a busy girl lately. I'm still seeing the Sargent. Things are going quite well, actually. I should be moving in with him sometime in the next month. Talk about change. I swore once that I'd be happy to get married again as long as I never had to live with the guy. Now I'm moving in with Ssg. and we're not even married.
Of course, the "M" word has come up in conversation a time or two, and just as quickly, the subject gets changed. It's mutual. That's why I love the guy. He agrees with me on just about everything. Well, that and he treats me like a princess.
To say that I'm happy wouldn't be the complete truth. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what I'm feeling. Yes, there's a sense of completeness that I feel about the latest decision to try the picket fence thing again. There's also a sense of loss that I can't quite explain. Or maybe I can explain it but don't wish to, not even to myself. Everything is still so sensitive, so delicate. I'm walking this fine line and I feel as though I will fall if I stop to examine things too closely. I know it has a lot to do with Sexy. It always has to do with him.
I've run into him a time or two since things ended with him. He knows I'm seeing Ssg. and he knows I'm moving to the Ft. Leonardwood area. He doesn't have much to say about it all; only questions if I'm doing the right thing. For that matter, so do I. But then, I think about how Ssg. goes to church with me, how he played his guitar for me while I took a bath, how he now has a stitches count of 13 because he's been burning the candle at both ends trying to remodel this house for us. Everything he does is about building a relationship with me.
Anyway, perhaps I'm just a little gun shy about relationships. It could even be that I'm not used to someone putting in that much effort when it comes to me. Sexy is a good man, but he's a terrible boyfriend. Ssg. is both a good man and an excellent boyfriend. It's taking some getting used to.
Well, the latest storm is winding down, and so am I. I should be getting some sleep. I have the chitlins tonight and they will be up early in the morning. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still alive and doing fine. Next time, I'll tell y'all about the fine abode that Ssg. is building for me. It's a dump now, but it has some amazing potential. I just thank God that I'm dating a man who knows what the heck he's doing. I just pray that I know what I'm doing too.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Sexy, The Sargent, & The Sinner
It has been a while since my last confession. I have been guilty of wrapping my life around me like chains so that I might have the excuse of that prison for not taking the steps I need to move forward. It's such a simple thing to do. It's so easy to do. All I have to do is look at where I need to go and say to myself, "I cannot be there because I am here."
My newest love has shown me the light of this, though I doubt it was by knowledge or intent. He simply knows that he wishes to be with me and I keep putting up these hurdles. "Not enough time," I say, or, "I can't just change things like that!" In some ways, this is correct. We have only been dating for a couple of months and he is talking a common bedroom and golden bands. But honestly, the thing I think that is truly holding me back is not the circumstances of my divorce which prevent me from moving quickly, or the fact that I have not been dating the Sgt. for very long. The thing that I think most impedes my way can be summed up in one word....... Sexy.
It should come as no surprise that Sexy has called to me since I started dating the Sgt. It should also come as no surprise that I answered his call. I went to him knowing the danger of immorality that I was subjecting myself to. I went to him knowing the suffering that I could cause. The Sgt. is a good man, though a bit hurried. His only sin so far lies in his tendency to be possessive. He admitted to erasing Sexy's number from my phone. He admits to jealousy when I talk to another man. Still, this does not give me good cause to run to the arms of another. And while I fought the temptation to do more than just hold Sexy, the temptation was there.
I don't know why it is so hard for me to let go of this man. I don't know what it is about him that touches me so deeply where none other than the Lord and my family dwell. And I can't even begin to explain how much I mourn the fact that the good Sgt. does not infect me with the same bittersweet passion that I experienced with Sexy.
Perhaps this is a punishment for my life of sin, to know the existence of a passion for which I once dreamed, but to live the rest of my life without it. Not to say that the Sgt. doesn't do quite well for himself. It just doesn't touch me the same way. With Sexy, one touch would erase the world beyond the two of us. I didn't think of anything but the feel of him, the taste of him. With Sexy, it felt as if our souls merged along with our bodies. For the first time in my life, it wasn't just sex.
I know that despite my desire to be with none other than Sexy, I cannot continue fighting for someone who has no desire to fight with me. He'll let me go. There is no doubt. He'll stand by while I accept the proposal of another and become another man's wife. It is something I know deep within my soul. I will never be worth the risk to him.
I also know that I have a true chance at happiness with the Sgt. He has shown that he's willing to go the distance for the chance to be with me. Most recently, he has taken a vow of celibacy with me until such time that we might be married. Granted, we are not formally engaged at this point, but the talk of marriage has been enough that it is almost a given.
We go to church together, something I have not done since early childhood but sincerely wished to start doing. He takes me out in public. I know this seems like such a trivial thing, but I am so accustomed to men who seem more ashamed to be with me than not. But most importantly, he has adopted my children as his own. He not the least bit resistant to stepping in and helping fill their needs. He does this without request or demand by me. He simply sees a thing that needs to be done and does it. If this means washing a sink full of dishes, he does it. If this means giving the kiddies a bath, he does it. In fact, he has done more for my kids in the last two months than their biological father has done for them in the last two years.
I am torn. My battered soul calls out for the soothing balm of the Sgt. whilst my heart longs for the fire of Sexy. Both men are good men. There is no doubt. Both men deserve the riches of the world and I have doubt that I am deserving of either one. Each man holds a piece to the puzzle of my life. I know I must claim one and cast the other away, and I am certain as to which one I will claim. I just wish that it did not hurt me so.
My newest love has shown me the light of this, though I doubt it was by knowledge or intent. He simply knows that he wishes to be with me and I keep putting up these hurdles. "Not enough time," I say, or, "I can't just change things like that!" In some ways, this is correct. We have only been dating for a couple of months and he is talking a common bedroom and golden bands. But honestly, the thing I think that is truly holding me back is not the circumstances of my divorce which prevent me from moving quickly, or the fact that I have not been dating the Sgt. for very long. The thing that I think most impedes my way can be summed up in one word....... Sexy.
It should come as no surprise that Sexy has called to me since I started dating the Sgt. It should also come as no surprise that I answered his call. I went to him knowing the danger of immorality that I was subjecting myself to. I went to him knowing the suffering that I could cause. The Sgt. is a good man, though a bit hurried. His only sin so far lies in his tendency to be possessive. He admitted to erasing Sexy's number from my phone. He admits to jealousy when I talk to another man. Still, this does not give me good cause to run to the arms of another. And while I fought the temptation to do more than just hold Sexy, the temptation was there.
I don't know why it is so hard for me to let go of this man. I don't know what it is about him that touches me so deeply where none other than the Lord and my family dwell. And I can't even begin to explain how much I mourn the fact that the good Sgt. does not infect me with the same bittersweet passion that I experienced with Sexy.
Perhaps this is a punishment for my life of sin, to know the existence of a passion for which I once dreamed, but to live the rest of my life without it. Not to say that the Sgt. doesn't do quite well for himself. It just doesn't touch me the same way. With Sexy, one touch would erase the world beyond the two of us. I didn't think of anything but the feel of him, the taste of him. With Sexy, it felt as if our souls merged along with our bodies. For the first time in my life, it wasn't just sex.
I know that despite my desire to be with none other than Sexy, I cannot continue fighting for someone who has no desire to fight with me. He'll let me go. There is no doubt. He'll stand by while I accept the proposal of another and become another man's wife. It is something I know deep within my soul. I will never be worth the risk to him.
I also know that I have a true chance at happiness with the Sgt. He has shown that he's willing to go the distance for the chance to be with me. Most recently, he has taken a vow of celibacy with me until such time that we might be married. Granted, we are not formally engaged at this point, but the talk of marriage has been enough that it is almost a given.
We go to church together, something I have not done since early childhood but sincerely wished to start doing. He takes me out in public. I know this seems like such a trivial thing, but I am so accustomed to men who seem more ashamed to be with me than not. But most importantly, he has adopted my children as his own. He not the least bit resistant to stepping in and helping fill their needs. He does this without request or demand by me. He simply sees a thing that needs to be done and does it. If this means washing a sink full of dishes, he does it. If this means giving the kiddies a bath, he does it. In fact, he has done more for my kids in the last two months than their biological father has done for them in the last two years.
I am torn. My battered soul calls out for the soothing balm of the Sgt. whilst my heart longs for the fire of Sexy. Both men are good men. There is no doubt. Both men deserve the riches of the world and I have doubt that I am deserving of either one. Each man holds a piece to the puzzle of my life. I know I must claim one and cast the other away, and I am certain as to which one I will claim. I just wish that it did not hurt me so.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Family Cookbook
I found this wonderful site where you can enter the ingredients of a particular dish you make and it will give you all the nutritional facts about that dish. It's really neat. I'm planning on using this to make a cookbook up for each member of the family containing the favorite family dishes we prepare on the holidays. I'm really excited about this. I'm also planning on adding photos and maybe some family info regarding a particular dish, like how it started or just a funny story associated with it.
The planning of this little project of mine has been a blast. With each dish I add, I discover numerous memories once forgotten. I've also discovered new dishes that I think will be excellent additions to our feasting traditions. I can imagine the kin folk thumbing through the pages now. They'll laugh to themselves when they cross a particular recipe that strikes a chord. They'll pass this cookbook on to their own children, telling them about the times those meals were prepared that made them so special.
For as long as I can remember, my family has been centered around the kitchen table. It's not only a place where we filled our bellies, it was also a place where we filled our souls. We'd conversate, play games, do homework, or work on a project at that table. It was the hub of our existance. Well, still is actually. And I'm excited to be adding something to it. I'm also excited to know that my kids will get the opportunity to experience many of the same moments I did. As they pour over a favorite dish, they will be taking a little piece of the past along with them into the future.
Isn't that so cool!?
The planning of this little project of mine has been a blast. With each dish I add, I discover numerous memories once forgotten. I've also discovered new dishes that I think will be excellent additions to our feasting traditions. I can imagine the kin folk thumbing through the pages now. They'll laugh to themselves when they cross a particular recipe that strikes a chord. They'll pass this cookbook on to their own children, telling them about the times those meals were prepared that made them so special.
For as long as I can remember, my family has been centered around the kitchen table. It's not only a place where we filled our bellies, it was also a place where we filled our souls. We'd conversate, play games, do homework, or work on a project at that table. It was the hub of our existance. Well, still is actually. And I'm excited to be adding something to it. I'm also excited to know that my kids will get the opportunity to experience many of the same moments I did. As they pour over a favorite dish, they will be taking a little piece of the past along with them into the future.
Isn't that so cool!?
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Where's The Catch?
I've decided to ignore the phone thing. I mentioned something to the new guy and he denied responsibility and I really can't prove anything. Not to mention, my phone is acting a little weird. It just seems a strange.
Basically, I've decided to put him on probation. Overall, he's been wonderful, if a bit hurried. This is the one thing negative I've seen so far, and I'm not even 100% certain he's behind it. I just wish I knew for certain. It would definitely make things easier to understand.
I don't know, maybe I'm just jumping at shadows here. I'm so used to drama from the men I date that it freaks me out when a guy seems to be legit. And that's really what has me spooked here. Other than the hurry he seems to be in, it's a great relationship for me. He does those little things that blow my mind, he's great with my kids, he seems to be tolerant of my imperfections. He seems like the perfect guy. And I don't want to be cynical and jaded and miss out on something because of it, but I can't help but ask, "Where's the catch?"
Basically, I've decided to put him on probation. Overall, he's been wonderful, if a bit hurried. This is the one thing negative I've seen so far, and I'm not even 100% certain he's behind it. I just wish I knew for certain. It would definitely make things easier to understand.
I don't know, maybe I'm just jumping at shadows here. I'm so used to drama from the men I date that it freaks me out when a guy seems to be legit. And that's really what has me spooked here. Other than the hurry he seems to be in, it's a great relationship for me. He does those little things that blow my mind, he's great with my kids, he seems to be tolerant of my imperfections. He seems like the perfect guy. And I don't want to be cynical and jaded and miss out on something because of it, but I can't help but ask, "Where's the catch?"
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Curiouser, and curiouser, as Alice likes to put it.
I've been spiraling down a rabbit hole of late. I've found myself topsy-turvy in a land where not much makes sense. But, for the first time in the past couple of weeks, I have started seeing the devil behind the halo.
I've had this issue with my cell phone lately. For some reason, it doesn't seem to want to hold a charge, even with a full battery. That in itself is not strange. The fact that the new fella wants to buy me a new phone isn't even that odd. At least, not until I went through my address book on the old phone.
You see, if I keep give it a full charge and keep it on the charger, I can access the stuff on my phone for a few minutes. When I did that just recently, I noticed that I was missing a couple of entries in the address book. Two for certain. The thing is, they had the same name. It's the name of my ex. Sexy, and someone else with his name, have been deleted from the address book, and I'm not responsible.
I suppose it's my suspicious nature, but I can't help but wonder if the new guy deleted them and has offered to buy me a phone and put it on his account so that he can keep track of the people I call. On one hand, I can't blame the guy after he told me what his ex put him through when he was serving in Iraq. On the other hand, I did not give him permission to do this. In fact, he didn't ask permission or even mention the desire to do this. So, if he did indeed take this action, I find it very upsetting. I haven't even talked to Sexy in like a month. Not since the last time I saw him. Well, except for one text message where he asked me if I was having fun and I reassured him that I was.
So, now I find myself questioning everything about the new guy. What is he after and what is he willing to do to get it? How many lines will he cross and is trust going to always be an issue between us? Will I just end up paying for the sins of the women before me again?
I suppose I'll just have to ask him and find out, but I'm not feeling very comfortable right now. I don't like this. Even the fact that this could be the case doesn't sit well with me. So, tell me, am I wrong to be concerned?
I've had this issue with my cell phone lately. For some reason, it doesn't seem to want to hold a charge, even with a full battery. That in itself is not strange. The fact that the new fella wants to buy me a new phone isn't even that odd. At least, not until I went through my address book on the old phone.
You see, if I keep give it a full charge and keep it on the charger, I can access the stuff on my phone for a few minutes. When I did that just recently, I noticed that I was missing a couple of entries in the address book. Two for certain. The thing is, they had the same name. It's the name of my ex. Sexy, and someone else with his name, have been deleted from the address book, and I'm not responsible.
I suppose it's my suspicious nature, but I can't help but wonder if the new guy deleted them and has offered to buy me a phone and put it on his account so that he can keep track of the people I call. On one hand, I can't blame the guy after he told me what his ex put him through when he was serving in Iraq. On the other hand, I did not give him permission to do this. In fact, he didn't ask permission or even mention the desire to do this. So, if he did indeed take this action, I find it very upsetting. I haven't even talked to Sexy in like a month. Not since the last time I saw him. Well, except for one text message where he asked me if I was having fun and I reassured him that I was.
So, now I find myself questioning everything about the new guy. What is he after and what is he willing to do to get it? How many lines will he cross and is trust going to always be an issue between us? Will I just end up paying for the sins of the women before me again?
I suppose I'll just have to ask him and find out, but I'm not feeling very comfortable right now. I don't like this. Even the fact that this could be the case doesn't sit well with me. So, tell me, am I wrong to be concerned?
Oxygen! Sweet Oxygen!
Do you know what happens when you jump into the deep end? You have to hold your breath longer, that's what.
Okay, almost two weeks and counting. One night apart. Endless hours spent together. I don't know what has happened to me. I must be out of my ever-lovin' mind. It's just that the numbers keep adding up: the number of ways he drives me wild, the number of moments that take my breath away, the number of times I've smiled or laughed, the number of times he's touched me like a man in love, the number of times he's proven himself a man of good character. Wow!
If only it were that easy. I just can't seem to let go of the past and leap into the future like he does. I keep waiting for the bad that always seems to balance the good. And, Lord, is there a lot of good to balance.
I guess I'm just not accustomed to men who move this quickly. The guys I have dated before approach a commited relationship like the plague. It allows me time to grow accustomed to it too. But not this guy. Maybe it's the military training, but he's got this seek-and-destroy attitude. Seek and destroy all resistance, all doubt, all fear. I do have this to say for the guy, he's good at what he does. If how he approaches me is any indication of how he approaches his job, the guy should be a freakin' general. His tactical skill is amazing!
That being said, I'm sort of relieved that he had to report back today. I get three whole days to rewind the past week and a half and analyze it. Where the hell did I lose all control? I don't get it. I throw myself into my relationships, but never like this. I don't freakin' lose it this quickly. I mean, it was like six month with Sexy before we even talked about dating exclusively. This guy is already talking about living with each other! Thank goodness I haven't lost all my marbles yet. I've managed to put the brakes on that much. Actually, I solved the problem by stating that if he could get my parents to agree that living together wouldn't be a problem, then I'd move in with him. Lol, he seems to think he can win them over this weekend. Then again, look at the damage he's done in a week and a half to me. Guess I shouldn't laugh, I might be living with him after this weekend.
You know, the thing that really gets me is that he's so good at killing me with kindness. He does these things that blow my mind. He picked up my guitar and played to me while I took a bath. He took over morning duties with the kiddies so I could sleep in. And don't get me wrong. I'm throwing up every resistance I can. The only reason he has met the kids this soon is that it was a futile attempt to scare the piss out of him. Wow, that so backfired on me. He really went above and beyond my expectations on that one. Now, my kids are in love with him which just binds him that much closer.
I really don't know what to do. I know I've said that before, but I don't think I've ever felt so out of control and frightened. I love being with him. I enjoy ever moment of his company. But am I ready for it to be for forever? This I am not certain of. Reality says that this is too good to be true. My heart says that only those who play the game get a chance to win. I just wish it didn't feel like it had to be all or nothing.
Okay, almost two weeks and counting. One night apart. Endless hours spent together. I don't know what has happened to me. I must be out of my ever-lovin' mind. It's just that the numbers keep adding up: the number of ways he drives me wild, the number of moments that take my breath away, the number of times I've smiled or laughed, the number of times he's touched me like a man in love, the number of times he's proven himself a man of good character. Wow!
If only it were that easy. I just can't seem to let go of the past and leap into the future like he does. I keep waiting for the bad that always seems to balance the good. And, Lord, is there a lot of good to balance.
I guess I'm just not accustomed to men who move this quickly. The guys I have dated before approach a commited relationship like the plague. It allows me time to grow accustomed to it too. But not this guy. Maybe it's the military training, but he's got this seek-and-destroy attitude. Seek and destroy all resistance, all doubt, all fear. I do have this to say for the guy, he's good at what he does. If how he approaches me is any indication of how he approaches his job, the guy should be a freakin' general. His tactical skill is amazing!
That being said, I'm sort of relieved that he had to report back today. I get three whole days to rewind the past week and a half and analyze it. Where the hell did I lose all control? I don't get it. I throw myself into my relationships, but never like this. I don't freakin' lose it this quickly. I mean, it was like six month with Sexy before we even talked about dating exclusively. This guy is already talking about living with each other! Thank goodness I haven't lost all my marbles yet. I've managed to put the brakes on that much. Actually, I solved the problem by stating that if he could get my parents to agree that living together wouldn't be a problem, then I'd move in with him. Lol, he seems to think he can win them over this weekend. Then again, look at the damage he's done in a week and a half to me. Guess I shouldn't laugh, I might be living with him after this weekend.
You know, the thing that really gets me is that he's so good at killing me with kindness. He does these things that blow my mind. He picked up my guitar and played to me while I took a bath. He took over morning duties with the kiddies so I could sleep in. And don't get me wrong. I'm throwing up every resistance I can. The only reason he has met the kids this soon is that it was a futile attempt to scare the piss out of him. Wow, that so backfired on me. He really went above and beyond my expectations on that one. Now, my kids are in love with him which just binds him that much closer.
I really don't know what to do. I know I've said that before, but I don't think I've ever felt so out of control and frightened. I love being with him. I enjoy ever moment of his company. But am I ready for it to be for forever? This I am not certain of. Reality says that this is too good to be true. My heart says that only those who play the game get a chance to win. I just wish it didn't feel like it had to be all or nothing.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Oh, Lord! She's at it again!
I am a hazard to myself. This, I am certain of. For someone who hates getting burned so much, I play with fire way too often.
Okay, the whole Sexy thing is past. It's strange, really. Damn, I loved that man. I can't tell you how much I loved him or how hard it was to let him go. I don't think I ever could express how deeply I felt the emotions I did for him. But the thing that boggles my mind is the ending wasn't apocalyptic in nature. The angels did not weep, the sun didn't explode in the sky, nothing. The ending completely belied the intensity of the rest of our relationship. We just.....walked away.
I was planning on giving it some time before I tried the dating thing again. I have this routine of jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. I wanted to take some time, focus myself, build up the foundation of my life before trying to build more. I wanted to explore, see what the world had to offer. I wanted to celebrate my independence. I wanted to grow comfortable with being alone.
The funny thing about life is that it has a mind of its own. Here I am, minding my own business, trying to move forward, when BAM! All of the sudden, I'm neck deep in another romance, this one just as strange as the last. Half of me is so blown away by this new prospect. He's been everything I've ever wanted in a relationship. The things he's said and done has been beyond reproach. The other half of me is screaming, "What are you thinking!!!? Are you MAD, woman?!"
I don't know how this happened. I'm usually such a grounded person. I don't fall madly in love at first sight. I'm not so desperate for love that I cave at the first sign of tenderness, really I don't. And I don't take risks without weighing the pros and cons heavily first. I give things time, or I try my best. And yet, wow! All I can say is wow.
I don't know what to do. On one hand, I promised myself that I wouldn't become so jaded that I missed love and all the wonders of. On the other hand, I am so frightened. There seems to be so much at stake in such a short period of time. Did I say that things were intense with Sexy? Well, I have been educated, my friends. I have been educated.
A week ago today, I took a chance. I decided to meet someone face-to-face. I had been chatting with him online and on the phone for several weeks. I wasn't expecting more than the typical first date. Dinner, a movie, some conversation, and maybe a kiss good-bye. Our first date lasted 60 hours! And what's more, I would have loved for him to stay longer, but he had to work. You see, he's a soldier and you just don't call in sick to the Army. Otherwise, who knows how long the first date would have lasted.
I don't know. Maybe my brain hasn't recovered properly from the last go-round. And I realize it's still very early into the "honeymoon" phase. But, 60 hours, folks! The average date lasts 4 to 5 hours, so at a bare minimum, we put in about 12 dates in one weekend. And we've been almost inseparable since. In the last week, we spent one night apart.
I know, I'm an idiot. I'm begging for trouble. I would tell someone else in my shoes to stop right there and turn back around. I can make all the excuses in the world, but this is dumb. It just feels so right and so natural. I can't explain it.
I've been doing my best to put the brakes on this thing. I tell myself to stop and savor the experience. If he's the one after 60 hours, then he'll be the one after 60 days, 60 months, 60 years. And honestly, I am trying my best. We both have a nasty dating history. We have both made bad choices. These are very good reasons to take our time.
I say this, but I know myself too well. I don't need it, but that won't stop me from soaking up every second of it. He's coming over again tonight. It's our one week anniversary, lol. Yep, I'm a fool. Still, I'm a happy fool. Tomorrow morning, he'll watch my face as I sleep. He'll greet me with a cup of coffee he's made for me. He'll look into my eyes and wear this expression of wonder on his face. His eyes will hold unspoken amazement at how we arrived at this place. It will be a mirror of the same emotions on my face and in my eyes.
Yeah, I'm a hazard to myself. I'm going down like the Titanic and equivalent devastation is possible. I have not yet tread past the point of no return. I can still stop myself from falling into the deep end. The question is, do I want to?
Okay, the whole Sexy thing is past. It's strange, really. Damn, I loved that man. I can't tell you how much I loved him or how hard it was to let him go. I don't think I ever could express how deeply I felt the emotions I did for him. But the thing that boggles my mind is the ending wasn't apocalyptic in nature. The angels did not weep, the sun didn't explode in the sky, nothing. The ending completely belied the intensity of the rest of our relationship. We just.....walked away.
I was planning on giving it some time before I tried the dating thing again. I have this routine of jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. I wanted to take some time, focus myself, build up the foundation of my life before trying to build more. I wanted to explore, see what the world had to offer. I wanted to celebrate my independence. I wanted to grow comfortable with being alone.
The funny thing about life is that it has a mind of its own. Here I am, minding my own business, trying to move forward, when BAM! All of the sudden, I'm neck deep in another romance, this one just as strange as the last. Half of me is so blown away by this new prospect. He's been everything I've ever wanted in a relationship. The things he's said and done has been beyond reproach. The other half of me is screaming, "What are you thinking!!!? Are you MAD, woman?!"
I don't know how this happened. I'm usually such a grounded person. I don't fall madly in love at first sight. I'm not so desperate for love that I cave at the first sign of tenderness, really I don't. And I don't take risks without weighing the pros and cons heavily first. I give things time, or I try my best. And yet, wow! All I can say is wow.
I don't know what to do. On one hand, I promised myself that I wouldn't become so jaded that I missed love and all the wonders of. On the other hand, I am so frightened. There seems to be so much at stake in such a short period of time. Did I say that things were intense with Sexy? Well, I have been educated, my friends. I have been educated.
A week ago today, I took a chance. I decided to meet someone face-to-face. I had been chatting with him online and on the phone for several weeks. I wasn't expecting more than the typical first date. Dinner, a movie, some conversation, and maybe a kiss good-bye. Our first date lasted 60 hours! And what's more, I would have loved for him to stay longer, but he had to work. You see, he's a soldier and you just don't call in sick to the Army. Otherwise, who knows how long the first date would have lasted.
I don't know. Maybe my brain hasn't recovered properly from the last go-round. And I realize it's still very early into the "honeymoon" phase. But, 60 hours, folks! The average date lasts 4 to 5 hours, so at a bare minimum, we put in about 12 dates in one weekend. And we've been almost inseparable since. In the last week, we spent one night apart.
I know, I'm an idiot. I'm begging for trouble. I would tell someone else in my shoes to stop right there and turn back around. I can make all the excuses in the world, but this is dumb. It just feels so right and so natural. I can't explain it.
I've been doing my best to put the brakes on this thing. I tell myself to stop and savor the experience. If he's the one after 60 hours, then he'll be the one after 60 days, 60 months, 60 years. And honestly, I am trying my best. We both have a nasty dating history. We have both made bad choices. These are very good reasons to take our time.
I say this, but I know myself too well. I don't need it, but that won't stop me from soaking up every second of it. He's coming over again tonight. It's our one week anniversary, lol. Yep, I'm a fool. Still, I'm a happy fool. Tomorrow morning, he'll watch my face as I sleep. He'll greet me with a cup of coffee he's made for me. He'll look into my eyes and wear this expression of wonder on his face. His eyes will hold unspoken amazement at how we arrived at this place. It will be a mirror of the same emotions on my face and in my eyes.
Yeah, I'm a hazard to myself. I'm going down like the Titanic and equivalent devastation is possible. I have not yet tread past the point of no return. I can still stop myself from falling into the deep end. The question is, do I want to?
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