Office Intrigue

One thing I've learned about working in an office is that no one really likes anyone. At least, not behind their backs. To their faces, it's a different matter.

I have to say that I've long since given up trying to figure out the office politics at the career center. This one got a promotion, but no one else knows why. This one is whispering to that one, that one turns around and whispers about the first one, and by the end of the day, everyone talks bad about everyone.

I do my best to keep my nose out of it and my ears open. You never know when you'll hear something of interest. In fact, I've made it a daily mantra: Don't say anything; hear everything. I figure it will be the best way to keep myself from getting involved in the wrong thing at the wrong time.

I have to say, I do find the whole intrigue thing curiously amusing. I find myself surprised each time I discover that those who are in charge don't necessarily have the kind of power they think they do. In fact, if they cared to wire the office break room, they would discover some pretty interesting things themselves. Of course, it won't be me who suggests it.

***Sigh*** , two and a half more hours. I've been playing on the internet most of this. Is that not terrible? Again, I realize that there are plenty of people who would love to be in my shoes but it's driving me nuts. I really hate having to find ridiculous things to do to fill my time. I should be home doing my housework or something of a constructive nature. Honestly, I'd much rather go in the back room and take a nap. That would be a good use of my time too. And, it's not like they're paying me. Think I should put in a request?

Wicked Games

I saw this video again for the first time in what seems like forever. I don't think I truly understood it the last time I heard it. I only wish I didn't understand it now.

Glutton For Punishment

I went to see Sexy last night. Yep, I'm incorrigible. I went on the pretext of picking up some items left behind. I even told myself that I'd be picking up these items and nothing else. Of course, I'm not very good at lying to myself. I didn't believe me for one second.

At first it went well. I maintained my distance, but that never lasts long around him. You see, his hair was tousled. I can't help myself. I get around him and I want to touch. It starts out as small touches, laying my head on his shoulder, running my fingers down his arm. Innocent enough, right? Then, somehow, it progresses and I end up mauling him.

I knew what would happen when I showed up at his place. No matter how good my intentions, I can't resist the temptation, and my intentions weren't the most innocent last night. And later, in his arms, I confessed to the both of us that I wasn't there for the trinkets. I'm pretty sure he knew that already, but it was nice to be honest. Then again, he didn't invite me in just for idle chit-chat either.

The worst part is that after I make love to him, I just can't stop myself from whispering words of undying love to him. That's the part I was really trying to avoid, but I failed. I had hoped that he hadn't heard me, but he made some sort of response that could have been a similar remark in kind. I didn't ask him to repeat it. I was feeling a little ashamed about laying my feelings bare to him.

I don't know where this leaves us now. I'm so confused. On one hand, I know without a doubt that I want to be with him and only him. On the other, I'm not sure I'm ready to forgive him. He still hasn't asked about my biopsy. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, and I'm not sure where his feelings lie anymore. I know he wants me in the physical way. After last night, there's not a doubt in my mind. I'm just not sure if there's anything more than that for him.

Being with Sexy is a wicked pleasure. I've never felt anything so intense in my life. I battle myself daily. It doesn't seem like anything this amazing should be happening to me. And I'm not saying that I do not deserve to have good things happen to me. It just seems that our romance is something out of a movie. You just don't expect something like that to be real, and I feel like I'm stealing something that doesn't belong to me. I keep waiting for the Gods to smite me. Surely, something this deep and wild doesn't belong to mere mortals.

I wonder if this is the very thing that creates the bone of contention in our relationship. I worry that Sexy feels as if I'm putting him on a pedestal. Only, it's not him that I idolize. I know he's human and flawed. That's one of the reasons I love him so much. No, the thing that leaves me in awe is the rawness and intensity of my emotions for him. I think he fears, like me, that what is felt between us is something far grander that we should ever possess.

I'm at a loss. I have no idea what to do. I'm so afraid of losing this thing we have and never finding it again. I also know that even if I could find it again, I really don't want it with anyone else but Sexy. Still, I don't know if I can continue to commit myself to such uncertainty. I can't help but wonder if it's not better to go through life without this amazing passion if it means some stability. There's these invisible scales that are measuring my life right now. On one side, there's the love I always dreamed of. On the other, there's the stability I've always sought. I keep waiting for something that will tip the scales in one direction or the other.

My secret wish is that I could have both of these things. If Sexy would take a chance on me and work at having a serious relationship, I could die a happy woman. But if wishes were wings, pigs would fly. I've come to the realization that I'm not going to have both of these things. I just wish I could make my heart understand that. Perhaps, then, I could move on.

Isn't It Ironic?

I think I missed the verse in the Alanis Morrissette song where it mentions the tree through your brand new, 1st time on your own house. That would definately fall under the ironic category, right?

The worst part of this was that my head was under the long branch. Another foot or so and I would've gotten my head scratched courtesy of Mother Nature.

I guess I should be upset, or even nervous about the whole thing, but honestly, I find it strangely humorous. I have a history of things coming through the ceiling at me. When I lived in Kansas, it was a 20 gallon bucket of water which I just barely missed being under. A last minute decision sent me in the opposite direction instead.

I'm starting to feel like I'm living in a final destination movie. I'm feeling very mortal at the moment. It just makes me wonder how many close calls I get before the anvil comes through the ceiling?

If this was the end of the damage, I would consider it a miracle, but I got another branch through the livingroom ceiling. It nearly knocked over my Christmas tree. You don't know how hard I've worked to keep that tree standing. It would be a shame to lose it to another tree now. I also have some pretty heavy limbs still on the roof that didn't manage to come through. I'm not sure how much damage I have at the moment.

I do know that I am one of the lucky ones. None of my personal property received any damage, including my head and my kids (my head being in the direct line of fire). I feel pretty blessed, actually. I didn't lose any family members. No one got hurt. And the worst any of us have to show for the whole storm is a couple of holes in the roof. Not to shabby, eh?

My Shameful, Wicked Self

I have a date with Sexy tonight. This doesn't mean we're back together. Actually, I'm not sure what it means. Confusion is par for the course with us and this time is no different. I'm not even sure why we're getting together.

There's so much going on right now, I don't know where to start to explain this. It's been a month since our split. We've talked by text message on occasion, but it's been about things like the weather and such. It's like we're both doing this dance around the elephant in the room. Neither one of us wants to say it's over, but neither one of us want to go out on a limb.

Last night changed that though. Perhaps it was the snow. I don't know why, but snow always makes me sad if I don't share it with someone. And here I was in my empty house, and all I could think of was Sexy and how much I wanted him here. So, despite my intentions to remain strong, I reached out to him for comfort.

I know how it got started, but I'm not sure how I ended up going down the path I did. Before long, I was opening a very raw wound for his inspection. And don't get me wrong, I'm not worried about appearing weak. I am human, and humans need other humans. It's a fact of life. I wasn't even that worried about my pride. Pride is a poor companion if that is all you have. No, my shame was in using my sorrow to draw him to me.

Don't get me wrong, my melancholy wasn't faked. There are just some days when the weight of my responsibilities becomes a very heavy burden, when I become weary of carrying it alone. But it's not like I don't have anyone to turn to. I have a very supportive family and some very good friends, if few and far between. However, the one person I wanted was Sexy, and I know that despite the trouble we've had, he can't resist coming to the aid of a friend. So, I shared my sorrow, and a few truths that I promised myself I wouldn't. Funny how I can lie to myself and then turn around and tell him the whole truth. Or maybe not so funny.

Anyway, he wanted to cheer me up. He invited me to his place, but between the snow covered streets, my red, blotchy face, and my shame in pushing his buttons to get that invitation, I couldn't accept it. Guilt is a bitch. And yet, somehow, I ended up issuing an invitation of my own to come to my place the next night so we could "comfort" each other. He accepted, though I'll have to wait and see if he was serious.

So, now I'm wondering. Did he accept out of pity, out of love, or out of need for some physical comfort? Pity, love, or lust? I'm not sure I want to know the answer. All I know is that I have a very long day ahead of me to debate it.

I'm such a hazard to myself.

I Miss You (Poem)

I Miss You

I’m writing a letter to you
and looking at a blank page.
I’m trying to say it all
without saying a thing.
I want to reach out to you
without destroying my walls.
They’re all that held me up
after our last phone call.
The angel and the devil overlook,
both cruel and both kind.
Lord help me, my heart
just can’t leave you behind.
I want you beside me,
but I fear the same.
I look at my blank page
with my head held in shame.

I don’t want to say I miss you
because then I might,
and I don’t know how much longer
I can keep up the fight.
I’ve tried to be strong.
I’ve tried to let go.
I’ve tried about every
thing that I know.
It still seems so wrong to end it this way.
There is so much that I still want to say,
but I don’t want to say I miss you.

I walk through my day
with a smile I don’t feel,
hoping that the effort
will soon make it real.
I celebrate every inch away
from you that I crawl,
while silently praying
for you to call.
And I think of all the things
I still want you to know.
It all plays through my head
like an endless slide show.

I don’t want to say I miss you
because then I might,
and I don’t know how much longer
I can keep up the fight.
I’ve tried to move on,
to take what life brings,
but my heart speeds up
every time the phone rings.
I just don’t want to play the fool again,
so I don’t want to be the one who gives in.
I don’t want to say I miss you.

State of Confusion

Sexy sent me a text message last night. It's the first time in 2 1/2 weeks that I've heard from him. In his defense, he did make the first move. I'm just as guilty of being silent all that time. The thing is, I'm not sure what to do.

I've missed him. I've missed him so much I ache with it, but I still feel so raw about our latest breakup. I needed him in these past couple of weeks, with the biopsy and the stalker, but he wasn't there because he doesn't trust me. And I'm not sure the exact reason for the mistrust, but I have my suspicions. Mainly, I think, it's because I'm a woman. His ex did him dirty, and now he feels that all women are of the same nature.

I guess this is my biggest problem. I want so badly for others to see me as an individual and not one of a group. How does the Panteen commercial go? Be on in a million, not one of a million? I guess I just want to be special to someone, so I work so hard to be special, and all that work comes to nothing because some other woman prior to me screwed it all up. It's like when people say that women have periods because of Eve eating the forbidden fruit. I just want to know when I get to quit paying for someone else's sin.

I love Sexy. I want to be with him more than anything and these last couple of weeks have been Hell. It would be so easy for me to forgive and forget and part of me wants to really bad. But, part of me doesn't want to forget. I need him to put his faith in me and I'm not sure he'll ever be able to. I'm just not sure what to do. I'm not sure how to close the distance between us and I don't want to spend my life chasing after something that doesn't exist.

When we're together, when we're touching and kissing and loving each other, it's like something out of a dream. A fantasy in flesh. And I have a hard time seeing beyond that. I've wanted something like that for so long. I never felt like I deserved it, so I didn't think it could happen to me, and then it did. But there's so much sadness around it. And the sadness is not too high a price to pay for the happiness I feel when we're together, but I can't help but wonder if Sexy feels the same way. I don't want him to hurt because of me, and while I'd never do anything intentionally to hurt him, that doesn't mean I won't. But I also know that I'd never hurt him in the manner that he fears.

Perhaps I'm greedy. I want all of him, lock, stock, and barrel. I want to give him all of me. And maybe that's too much to ask for. I just don't know. I wish I knew the right thing to do. Do I keep trying, keep having faith? Or do I let it all go and start my life fresh?

I suppose only time will tell me the right answer to that question. I'm just not that patient. I've always been guilty of wanting answers and wanting them right away. And I want so badly to do the right thing for the both of us. I just wish I knew what that was.

My New Friend

I'm having a pretty odd day today. The morning started off swiftly and pleasantly enough. I made it to work on time, again. I surprise myself by how quickly I get to work now. Of course, it's all highway traffic from point A to point B.

It was after I had been working a while that the weirdness began. About two hours into my workday, a regular client came in. Normally, this is nothing to be wary of, but this particular client has a tendency to stalk the female employees at the office, and guess who his new favorite person is!

Thankfully, the rest of the personnel in the office are growing quite fond of me and took and interest in my well-being in this matter. Before he could weasel his way into my personal life, they threw up the walls and told this particular gentleman that he is not allowed to bother me. I feel so warm and fuzzy. It's really nice that my co-workers look out for me. My supervisor also assigned me to tasks that would keep me out of contact distance with him. He wasn't able to talk to me, so I'm hoping that it may have nipped it in the bud. Of course, one of the guys here told stalker dude that I'm married, so now I have to go out to the jewelry store tonight and find me something that will pass as a wedding band. Still, it could be much worse. I am getting a nice ring and avoiding a bad stalker this way. I like to think of it as an opportunity.

Well, I have three more hours until my day ends. I really have nothing to do but twiddle my fingers. I've finished taping up the emergency exit strategies. I've made sure all the fliers are well stocked. I've got all the packets made up and labels printed. I'm basically a free woman for a few hours, except for the fact that I have to stay here. I just wish this dang computer had solitaire on it. That's pretty mean of the administrators to block all the games. This is going to be a really long three hours.

They Make A Pill For That (Poem)

THEY MAKE A PILL FOR THAT

You left without a reason.
You was lyin’; you was cheatin’,
but I was the fool for believin’
and it made me ill.

Couldn’t get up out of bed.
They make a pill for that;
now, I’m dancin’ ‘round instead.
Couldn’t get you off my mind.
They make a pill for that;
now, I’ve left you far behind.

It seems a waste to feel the blues
when the sun’s still shining.
It seems a waste to shed these tears,
so I’m done with crying.
I prob’ly should feel sad.
I prob’ly should be mad,
but I can’t seem to feel that bad.

You infected me just like the flu.
They make a pill for that;
now, I’m getting over you.
Couldn’t get past what you done.
They make a pill for that;
now, I’m having so much fun.

It seems a waste to feel the blues
when the sun’s still shining.
It seems a waste to shed these tears,
so I’m done with crying.
I prob’ly should feel sad.
I prob’ly should be mad,
but I can’t seem to feel that bad.
I shouldn’t be so fine.
I prob’ly should be dying,
but I can’t seem to find the time.

You left without a reason.
You was lyin’; you was cheatin’,
but doctors still make house calls.
There’s a cure for you after all.

Perfect Angel (Poem)

Perfect Angel

You admired me from afar,
and built a picture on the things you saw.
You never cared to learn my darker side.
It was not something that I tried to hide.

It was so hard for me to let you down,
but what you wanted weighed me to the ground.
But those burdens weren’t the only things.
I was trying to fly with broken wings.

You’ve only seen me, so it seems,
as a perfect angel in your dreams.
But when reality
caught up with me,
you turned a deaf ear to my pleas.
I’d given you all of my love
but I guess it just wasn’t enough.
Because after all,
I was bound to fall
from this pedestal so high above.

And so I feel that I am not to blame.
It should be you who feels that awful shame.
You only saw what you wanted to see.
I could not live up to your fantasy.

You’ve only seen me, so it seems,
as a perfect angel in your dreams.
But when reality
caught up with me,
you turned a deaf ear to my pleas.
You’ve seen the sunlight catch my hair,
but not the shadows everywhere.
And now I’m all alone,
with no love of my own,
when you said you would always care.

GO MIZZOU!!!

The pieces are starting to come together now. My home is almost completely finished. I have some trim work and some touch-up stuff to do yet, but I'm ready to move my furniture in. It came right down to the wire too. My sister will be here on Thursday to stay in Missouri for a month. Thank goodness I'll be out of there by then. I don't think I could take a month of living with her.

Tomorrow, I get back on track with all my errands. I've been a little, well, lazy to be honest. However, tomorrow is another day. I've got calls to make and things to pack and I'll finally be getting something done instead of traveling in circles. It feels really nice. I just wish I could be certain that I would get the results from my biopsy tomorrow. They told me to call in Tuesday if I hadn't heard from them by then. I know it's only another day's wait, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to push the matter to the back of my brain.

And on an odd note, GO MIZZOU! Get on wit'cha bad self! Who's the number 1 ranked college football team? That's right, we are! I stayed up last night to watch their game with Kansas. For that matter, so did one of my boys. Of course, Kertis is still too young to understand the finer points of the game, but he knew to cheer for the team wearing "bwack and yeddow". Hey, he's only three years old. I consider it a major accomplishment that he sat still that long. He watched it with me up until the last 12 seconds of the game and then he went down for the count. Poor buddy. He was so tired. One second he was clapping, the next he gone. Of course, I fall asleep fast too.

Anyway, it's all pretty random tonight. Just wanted to say that the abode was dwellable finally and the kids are still wonderful, the news is still out and I'm still single. No, Sexy hasn't called, but I'm thinking this Wednesday or next he'll be ringing my phone. I'm just not sure I'm going to answer. Basically, life is getting back to normal. About time too. I was begining to think it never would.

Biopsy

I had my biopsy earlier this week and I'm waiting (impatiently) for the results. I have to say, first of all, that the biopsy experience SUCKED!!!!! Still, the appointment itself went well. I learned a few things, like why they still wanted to do it with a negative HPV test. Seems that they're looking at the cells from my uterus and not my cervix, which means that if I have cancer I'll lose my uterus. Funny thing is that I'm not worried about it. I'm more relaxed knowing that I might have cancer than not knowing what I could have.

Actually, they're looking for pre-cancerous cells. I suppose that's like testing for HIV as opposed to AIDS. The results are supposed to take 2 to 3 days to get, but with Thanksgiving and all, they told me to expect them no later than Tuesday of next week. I'm so excited to be getting this over with. And maybe it's cocky of me not to be concerned that the results are positive, but I just don't think that cancer is something I have to worry about at this point in my life. Knock on wood.

Anyway, I have a few tips for others going through the same thing. My first tip is to have your mom or a good female friend with you for moral support. You may want to cry after and it's nice to have someone who will cry with you. Second, don't go during your ovulation period. It tends to hurt more and cause more cramping (feels like a pinch my ass!). It's probably best if you go the week after your period, since I was informed that it's typical for the tube to fill with blood, resulting in another attempt. Lucky for me, I excaped that hazard. Third, bring a pad and some advil. I know I'm creeping the boys out by this, but tough. This is important info. Last, but not least, make sure you have someone who can drive for you. I wanted to vomit after and I really wasn't up to driving. I didn't upchuck, but I wanted to.

So, that was my experience. I told them that if they lost the tissue sample I would go postal. I'm going to need serious drugs the next time, if there is one. If they call me in the next couple of days and say I tested positive for pre-cancerous cells, it's no big worry at this point. Their first option is to put me on hormones (like I'm not hormonal enough, lol). So, it's nothing drastic. All's well that ends quickly. I'd say all's well that ends well, but some of it wasn't so hot. I'll just be content for that phone call letting me know that everything's okay and I can move on.

Soooooo Booooored!

I'm at my "JOB" today, and now that I'm done re-arranging the file cabinets and throwing away the trash that has piled up in them, I'm basically spending my time twiddling my fingers.

Now, I know that there are several people out there who would love a chance to sit there at their jobs and do nothing. I, myself, would normally be thrilled with this opportunity to relax. However, I could be doing something more constructive with my time and I have so much to get done, but instead, I am forced to sit on my butt so that I might support my kids. Does that make sense to you? Me neither.

I'm beginning to think that I'm going for the wrong degrees here. I always thought I was too lazy to work in a factory, but now I'm thinking that I'm not lazy enough to work in an office. My skin is too sensitive to do fast-food. I'm too pretty to work phone collections. What's the point of having a pretty face if no one gets to see it? I'm sort of at a loss as to what I should do. I'm mediocre as a parent. I apparently suck as a girlfriend, so a housewife is out of the question. Hmmm, what to do, what to do.

See, this is why I wish it paid something to be a poet. I'm good at that. It's just enough work to keep me happy. And if you don't believe that writing poetry for publication is work, just try to throw a novel or two together. It does require a lot of thought and even some physical labor. Anyway, it doesn't pay to be a poet. Not really. You could always spread the word about your work to your friends and family, but end the end, you only get so much royalties off of the people you know. I mean, once they buy a book, they're done. They don't need any more. Not unless their bookshelf catches on fire or something. And few people keep the books they buy. So, you have to take into consideration that most of the people who will read your book have received that book from a friend or relative. Of course, poetry isn't like mysteries or romance novels either. Those are more likely to be retained by purchaser.

Okay, well, I've killed a few minutes anyway. I know this is totally random and off the wall from my usual ranting, but I'm trying to keep from pulling my hair out and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to vent. Yeah, I know, I've been doing a lot of that lately. I'll snap out of my funk soon. Hopefully, I'll have the new home up and livable soon and I'll have a few more kinks ironed out by then. Maybe after the holiday season, things will settle down (I hope, I hope, I hope).

Please, Santa, I've been a good girl this year. I would like an ounce of peace, a pound of sanity, and about 160 pounds and six feet of hunk on my doorstep. I am, after all, a single girl now. I think I'm about due for a good man who will treat me right. Get back to me for other specifications.

Nothing

About the time I start to understand things, the foundation of these things change. I sometimes wonder what it is that I'm doing wrong that this world is so chaotic for me. I know people who only see this world in black and white. I've only seen shades of grey. I've always felt that my way was the right way, but I've envied those others so much. It's so simple for them. There is only right and wrong, love and hate, day and night. There is no between. It is such a simple way to live.

Tonight is such a hard night for me. I'm so torn. I want something, but in order to make someone I love happy, I have to let it go. Only, I'll be so devestated to lose it. How do you solve a problem like that?

I guess I should explain, but for once I don't want to. I'm not even sure why I started writing tonight. I guess it's because that there seems so much left unsaid. I'm losing something so dear to me, and it's gone in the blink of an eye, no warning. A big piece of your life is gone in a nanosecond, and you don't get the opportunity to bring it back and make it come out different.

Different. If I could make things different. I'm not sure what I'd change, really. I don't have any regrets. I loved him. I treated him the way I wanted him to treat me. There's nothing I could change to make things end differently.

I just want to know, did he ever love me at all, or did I lie to myself this whole time? Did he cling to a kind touch because he was down? Did I give him too much, make it too easy for him? I just want to understand. That's all. Why is that so hard?

The Fortunate One (Poem)

The Fortunate One

I've never lived up to my potential.
I've never been all I could be.
So I can't understand
why I've been so blessed
to have you, here, next to me.

How did I get so lucky, babe?
There's those that say it's a long time
comin' to me.
Don't know if I agree.
How did I get so lucky, babe?
I don't feel like I deserve those gifts
from up above;
to be wrapped up in your love.
So how did I get so lucky?

I haven't always chose the right path.
I haven't done all I could do.
So it just blows my mind
that when you look at me,
you're askin' God the same thing too.

How did I get so lucky, babe?
There's those that swear it's a long time
comin' to me.
Can't say that I agree.
How did I get so lucky, babe?
I wish I knew just what I did
to be so blessed.
I haven't given all my best.
So how did I get so lucky?

I know that when this day is done

I am the fortunate one.

I've been gifted with your love,

and I'm so lucky.

Counting My Blessings

I'm in a pretty humble mood tonight. It happens from time to time when I think about where I am in life and where I could be. I'm not one of those people who spend my time thinking about the "what if's". Not in the sense of wanting things to change anyway.

See, I'm one of those fortunate people who feel they are, well, fortunate. I'm not rich. I'm not famous. I don't have a Nobel prize or a Grammy. I'm just your average American girl. Another statistic, one might say. The thing is, I love it. So, when I think about what could have been, I think about how lucky I am to be where I'm at, chaos and all.

I can't say that I'm totally content with my lot in life. I just don't think that there's anyone to blame but myself. I've made some mistakes. However, I'm pretty happy with my mistakes too. All of them have helped me grow into the person I see in the mirror each morning. I'm okay with that. There's things I'd like to change, but most of them are minor. Let's face it, I'm the total package the way that I am. I'm pretty. Not in the supermodel, fashionista, ice princess kinda way. My charm is more natural, and I'm grateful for that. Think of all the time I'd lose on the pointless endeavor of remaining perfect. Because in the end, it's a losing battle. I'm smart. I'm not a genius, but I can add, spell (most of the time), figure out how to assemble toddler toys by the directions in the box, and I can usually find a way to figure out solutions to all my problems within reason. So much better than being totally booksmart with no common sense, or being streetsmart with no understanding of figures or words. I'm a lot of things that most people don't give any consideration to being.

I'm truly blessed, this I know without a doubt. I have three beautiful, smart (crazy smart), gifted children. I have a romance that most women would die for. It's not perfect, but that's what makes it so amazing. Sexy is so real. I'd have to write a novel to explain that, but those who truly love their mates know what I'm talking about. I feel like such a fraud sometimes. I feel like I'm living a life that someone better than me deserves, but here is this real guy, a guy who struggles and succeeds, a guy who loves with such great passion, a guy who's capable of changing the world, and he loves me, flaws and all. I have the best family and friends in the world. They all have such deep capability to love and give of themselves. They see me to the very depths of my soul and they support the person I am. I am blessed. So blessed. I can't even begin to describe how blessed I am. And I don't know why God feels that I am so deserving of such blessing, but I am so humbled by it. There are so many people out there that could do more with the gifts that I have been given.

If there is one thing I could change about my life, it would be that. I would do more. I would give more. I'd be more patient, more tolerant, more kind. And I guess that doesn't mean I couldn't start now. Why waste time with regrets when you can just change the way things are?

It's times like these, when I'm thinking about all that I am, and all I could be, that I feel a sadness. It seems so strange that I would get a moment of such deep understanding, but lose such insight when enduring the trials of life. I get so caught up in the moment that I often forget my good intentions. That would be a thing I'd change. My ability to remember the really important things.

I guess that's why I feel like such a fraud. I have this ability to understand the greater truths of life. I don't question why I'm here. I know why I have the challenges I have. I know why I have life. I just don't do what I'm supposed to do with it. I make excuses instead. I didn't give change to the bell ringers at Christmas because I didn't have time to stop and dig through my purse. I didn't take the time I should have with my loved ones because I had other responsibilities to tend to. I've wasted so much time. And time is a fragile thing. It's so easily lost, lost forever. We think that because it lives on through our minds as memories that it's not really gone, but it is.

I suppose it's a shame, but it took my upcoming biopsy to make me think of this. I guess that I know that everything will be okay, but I feel like it would be so egotistical of me to believe that I'm untouchable. You see, I've said that God wouldn't take me from this Earth until my kids are grown. I'm such a better parent than my ex. God wouldn't take me from them and leave them to their father, who couldn't possibly understand things enough to teach them how to understand in turn. But I can't help but wonder, am I really any better? Would they really learn so much from me, the one who takes her blessings for granted? You see, I'm a firm believer that parents are there only as guides for young minds to learn from. The truth is, they are not really gifts to me. I don't own them. Never have. I belong to them, actually. Yes, I helped give them life, but now their life is theirs, not mine. I'm just here to teach them all that I know, to show them how to love, to teach them about faith, to give them my understanding so that they can build on it and become better people that I ever dreamed of being.

You see, I really am blessed. To believe that I am qualified enough to do such an important job would be vain of me. I have such amazing potential in the palm of my hands to mold. I have been gifted with this incredible task, but I know that I alone am not worthy. So, God made sure that I had enough struggle to strengthen me for it. God made sure that I had truly amazing people around me to help support me with this job.

I'm not trying to be preachy. Most people who know me couldn't even begin to understand the depths of my faith. No, this is not just an attempt to sing praise, though I don't doubt that I should be doing that more as well. I'm not ever sure what I'm trying to do. Perhaps this is my way of thanking everyone for being a part of my life. I probably don't deserve your time, your concern, your love (even love in the smallest form), but you give it just the same. Every moment a person gives of their fragile, fleeting time is a moment of love. You may not even have me on your Christmas card list, but you care enough to take a moment to read this. And yeah, that just blows my mind.

Perhaps this is just a way to sort this out in my own mind. I don't feel as if I am worthy of all that I have been given. Even the hard times are a gift. I may bitch and moan about them, quite frequently actually, but I've taken something valuable out of each trial I've faced. In becoming a single parent, I have learned to appreciate all the blessings I have in my family and friends. I haven't learned to act on them the way I need to yet, but I'm still working on it. In the struggles I've faced in fixing up my home, I've learned to value all the things it takes to make a home and all the things my parents have done over the years to provide a home for me and my siblings. In having extra responsibility placed on my shoulders to care for myself and my children, I have learned to cherish the fruits of my labor and not take for granted that these things are owed to me as a member of the human race. Even in the "involuntary volunteer work" that I'm required to do to keep the assistance I've applied for due to the lack of support from my ex, I have found small treasures. I have found people who make an attempt to support me during my trials for no more reason than they want to help me succeed. They owe me nothing, they get nothing but my gratitude for their help. And still, they give. I have met people who are facing bigger trials than I with less means to overcome them. It gives me humility. They have less, and yet, many of them work so much harder than I. I've met people that I would have turned from before being required to tend to them. I've discovered how flawed I truly am and how much work I need to do on myself to be worthy of the gifts I have been given. Yes, perhaps this is a way to sort this out in my head. Perhaps by writing this all out, I have seen how much I have grown over the last couple of years and how to grow further so that I can live up to my potential. Maybe I am discovering why I am so blessed by exploring what I do have.

Hmmm, this reminds me, Thanksgiving is almost here. I didn't even give this much thought before. I learned the reason for the season, but I guess I didn't truly apply it to my life. And boy, do I ever have a lot to be thankful for. This also gives me an idea about a new tradition to start with my kids. I think that I shall pick a day in November to sit down with my kids and start a list of all the things to appreciate about our lives and why we're appreciative of them. Then, when we sit down for that enormous Thanksgiving dinner that my wonderful family creates, we can go over that list. Maybe then, we might fully realize the bounty we have before us. And perhaps, while we fill our bellies with good food, our ears with laughter, and our hearts with love, we can also fill our minds with understanding and help each other learn how to show those people that we are grateful to how much they mean to us.

See, I may not be worthy of the blessings I have, but I'll be content with myself as long as I keep acknowledging I have them and trying to be worthy of them. In the end, I know that is what I'm meant to do. It is my purpose in this world. And to start, I just want to say to anyone who has read this far, thank you.

The Pain of Darkness

I've been battling the inner demon of worry for the past month or so. I went to the doctor a couple of months ago for my yearly girlie exam. Even after three kids, this is an uncomfortable experience. You'd think that after having nearly every doctor in my home town and a couple of neighboring cities up my parts that I wouldn't get so shy about it, but I still like to keep my privates... well, private.

Anyway, after a month of waiting, I finally get a call back on the results. Abnormal. This in itself is not a concern. I didn't even begin to worry at this point. There are many reasons for an abnormal result and most of them are nothing to worry about. Still, there is protocol to follow. It means another visit, another more detailed screening with yet another doctor. This time, I got a girl, which somehow makes it easier to endure. She did a screening for the HPV virus which causes cervical cancer among other things. She told me that if this came back negative, no more work would need to be done, but if it was positive, I would need a biopsy.

I waited again for the results. Negative. However, my doctor felt that I still needed to come in for the biopsy. So, here in another week, I have to go in and have part of me that I've carried with me for 27 years cut out of me. I'm not very happy about this. I'm also very worried.

Okay, I admit, I'm a compulsive worrier. I tend to let my imagination blow things out of proportion. So I researched. Bad idea. I actually felt worse after that. None of it sounds good at all. And all of this worry keeps coming back to the fact that the doctor still wants me to do a biopsy with a negative HPV after first telling me that it wouldn't be necessary. The reason the doctor gave for it is because of the particular cells that are abnormal. Why doesn't that sound good?

I haven't told many people. I've been waiting to find out the results before I do that. I have sought reassurance from a select few. My mom for one. I know that even while she tells me it's going to be okay, she's gonna worry it to death with me. It's nice to know that someone else is gonna help me bear my burden. I also told Sexy. I don't know why I told him, exactly. The only reason I can think of is that he shares a certain affection with me for the afflicted part. I figured he'd also be personally upset at the thought of it being even slightly butchered.

I guess his response was not what I was searching for from him. He did the typically thing, telling me not to worry about it just yet. I know he's concerned about my well-being. I know he's not trying to push my feelings to the side like they don't matter. I guess I just don't want to hear that it's okay for the time-being. It's not okay. There's something wrong. Even if the biopsy comes out okay, the doctor feels there is something wrong enough there to warrant a closer, more painful look. I'm not okay with that. I don't want sharp objects in that general area. I don't want to wait yet another month for the results. I don't want people to say the glass is half full. I want the damn glass totally full.

Okay. Time to breathe. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Better.

I suppose what it is that I wanted was for Sexy to worry with me too. I realize that he probably is. It's hard to dwell on the fact that a loved one is potentially seriously ill in a way that you can't do anything about. When they have a cold, you can bring them soup. When they have a cut, you can bandage it. But what do you do if it's the big C? I mean, that's what I'm really looking at here. No, it's much easier to push it to the back of the mind until a time when I has to be faced. At least, it is for most people. I just have a hard time pushing things to the back of my mind. I don't start feeling better until I know exactly what it is that I'm dealing with. I'd feel better knowing that I had cancer for sure than not knowing what I had. I suppose that sounds funny, but once you know what you're dealing with, you can start dealing with it. It's the damn waiting and wondering that drives me up the wall.

I guess, in the end, there's nothing to do but wait. I just wish I didn't have to. And I wish, I don't know, that maybe there was some way to make the waiting less painful. I just don't know how to do that. I don't know if having Sexy pulling his hair out with me would make it better. Even if he did, I know that I'd just spend me time telling him that it was okay and that there was nothing to worry about at this point in time. Funny how that works, isn't it?

Well, I do have to say that writing it out does make me feel better. And somehow, knowing that others are reading this and are feeling concern for me helps as well. And maybe, a few of you will keep me in mind when you say your prayers the next time. I would be most appreciative. Maybe it will help make this next week go faster, and then I can get the hardest part of the ordeal over with. After that, I get to find out what's going on and with knowledge comes understanding, and with understanding comes the tools to battle fear.

Don't Wait For Me (Poem)

Don’t Wait For Me

I’m not asking you to stay.
I’m not asking you to go.
But which ever way you run
then there’s something you should know.
I can’t give you my heart,
‘cause it’s not mine anymore.
It’s not fair for me to promise you
a prize behind the door.
I can’t leave you sitting there, so patiently.
Don’t wait for me.

Well, I’ve tried to open up.
Yes, I’ve tried to let you in.
You’re a good man, and I want more
than to be just friends.
But I still see his handsome face
when I close my eyes.
I still hunger for his touch, alone.
I won’t tell you no lies.
You deserve so much more than what we’d be.
Don’t wait for me.

I know you’re a treasure
sent from God above.
But I learned long ago
you can’t choose who you love.
And though he’s long gone now,
I still cannot break free.

So, don’t wait for me.

Fortune Cookies Lie!!!!

I've been eating a lot of Chinese food as of late. I just get in these moods where I crave a particular food, or style of food, and cannot rest until I get my fill. No, I'm not pregnant (shudder at the thought).

Anyway, I always end up ordering around $50 of the stuff for me and my kin at each order. Therefore, I always get a lot of fortune cookies. I never eat the dang things. However, I can't seem to stop myself from breaking each one open to read the little saying inside. I guess it's the optimistic part of my nature.

I have only one thing to say about fortune cookies. They lie. Actually, I have several things to say about them. First of all, very few of them tell what I consider a fortune. Most of them have dumb sayings like, "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush." Or they say something like, "Your friends consider you to be a valuable person to know." Whatever. Like that really impresses me. Of course my friends value me. They wouldn't be my friends otherwise. I'm not rich, famous, or sleeping with someone rich and/or famous.

But the thing about fortune cookies that really ruffles my feathers are those gems that pose as a real fortune. I received one the other day that said, "You will cross great waters on a fun vacation soon." Huh? Great waters? Does this mean an ocean? I'm broke, my schedule is booked, and I'm not sleeping with someone rich and/or famous. And how do they define the word soon? Soon, as in the next couple of days? Soon, as in the next month or so? Or are they basing this off the time scale of a Galapagos turtle? They live, like, 300 years or something, don't they? By their standard, within a decade or two is soon.

Seriously, folks, I'm thinking oceanic travel is not in my playing cards. However, I did save that little slip of paper. I have it posted on my fridge. I take a little mental trip when I look at it. I think of all the places I won't be going. I imagine what it would be like to be on a ship with nothing but water all around for as far as the eye can see. I suppose it sounds silly, but I've led a sheltered life. At this point in time, I haven't seen the ocean, much less traveled it. It's one of the things on my "to do" list. You know, the list we all have filled with things we never really believe we'll get checked off.

Still, despite the fact that I don't believe in cookie fortunes, and regardless of the fact that I think the cookies themselves taste like crap, I doubt I'll stop breaking them open. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic, but I can't help but hope that one day I'll find a really good fortune that does come true. Something like, "A fortune cookie in the hand is worth a bazillion dollars in your bank account." Then I really could travel some great waters.

White Lies (Poem)

White Lies

I understand your fear
of being trapped by love.
You’ve been hurt before,
but you can’t get enough.
I’m to whom you turn when you want to be free.
A couple of white lies and you’ve got me.

As the incense slowly burns to an end,
as the smoke softly dances ‘round my head,
as the candles flicker on the wall,
it takes so very little and I fall.
As you say that I’m the only one,
I realize it’s just one night of fun.
And to my shame, I’m the only one to blame.

You know just what to do
to get my will to fall.
You’ve hurt me before,
and I put up this wall.
But still, I turn to you when I think you’re free.
I tell myself white lies, and you’ve got me.

As the incense slowly burns to and end,
as the smoke softly dances ‘round my head,
as I admit to myself, unwillingly,
that tomorrow you will walk away from me.
As you say that I’m the only one,
I realize it’s just one night of fun.
And to my shame, I’m the only one to blame.

Did My Tears Mean So Little? (Poem)

Did My Tears Mean So Little?

Did my tears mean so little?
Did you care my heart broke?
Did you, once, ever try,
or was it all just a lie?
Did you laugh when I became your joke?

Did my tears mean so little?
Did my pain cause you guilt?
Did you love me at all,
or did I, alone, fall?
Did you have to tear down what we built?

Did my tears mean so little?
Did my pleas reach deaf ears?
Did my love suffocate,
or did your love abate?
Did my tears mean so little, my dear?

As The Dust Settles

Another session of school over and I might as well not have went. The last two weeks were the worst. Needless to say, I'll be taking those classes over.

I have no one to blame but myself, of course. Seems like I've been shuffling my feet way too much lately. Well, more like a River Dance than a shuffle. Feet flying every which way and not really moving. Then again, I have had a lot on my plate as of late.

The home repairs aren't going too well. About time we feel as if we're making ground, we discover a new problem that sets us back a bit. The current problem is the living room. I bought some of that snap-in wood laminate for the floors and we discovered that the floor is too uneven to put it in without some major moderation. The typical roller coaster has less dips and peaks. At least the painting is almost done. If I never smell oil based Kilz again it will be too soon.

Sexy and I are doing okay at last count. He got in a bit of trouble a couple of weeks back and it seems to have woken him up about his situation. I admire him so much for taking the steps to move forward in his life and put his mistakes behind him. I also want to strangle him for being so dang stubborn. He's under the impression that he'd be weak to take help in getting his life straightened out. It actually takes more strength to ask for help, but he'll learn that eventually. It's one of the things I love most about the man, he's capable of learning. You'd be surprised at how many people just refuse to learn after a certain point in their lives. They think they have it all figured out and won't accept anything different.

In other news, I'm going to be taking my ex back to court. I've finally wrangled up enough funds to put a retainer on my attorney so I can get the ball rolling again. I'm both excited and scared out of my wits. It's sad really. I know my ex is such a little man. He's incapable of causing me any real pain, but I dread having to confront him. He's just so angry. He won't let reason past his anger. The worst part is he takes his anger out on whom ever will get him the results he wants. He wants to get me worked up, so he takes it out on the kids knowing that I'll get worked up over that. It's like beating your head against a brick wall every time you come across it. Eventually, you just dread coming across that particular wall. The worst part is knowing that you have no choice in the matter. Because the kids need both of us, I have to deal with him.

Last but not least, as of this week, I'm going to be an involuntary volunteer. I'm required to work 20 hours a week of "work activity" to keep the cash assistance I'm getting in place of the child support my ex isn't paying. So, here's the deal: They pay me $342 a month which is supposed to support four people. My ex is supposed to pay $395 a month in child support (which he isn't) but they keep that to pay off the cash assistance they pay me. In other words, the government is not out anything, or wouldn't be if my ex was on the up and up. On top of that, they require that I work 20 hours a week of work activity to keep the full amount of my assistance. Between the kids being in Headstart and my own schooling, not to mention doctors' appointments, remodeling a home, and court battles, my available schedule to work is a bit askew. This means the only thing that's really available to me is volunteer work. But wait....it gets better. The place I'll be volunteering at is the unemployment office! How ironic is that? I'm working ten times as hard to get the money my ex should be paying to begin with and the government is getting free labor for nothing. How screwed up is that? The worst part is that my time at school would have counted if I was working on a year or less degree. Since I'm going for a bachelors and an associates, it doesn't count. More education, less credit. Somehow, this just doesn't add up to me. But who am I to complain? I'm getting a free education, I get the privilege of being able to stay home with my kids while they're with me, and I'm surrounded by people who are willing to give me a hand when I'm down. I'm damn lucky. I don't deny it. Still, I can't help but wonder every time I try something new to make my life and the lives of my children better if I'm not potentially shooting myself in the foot.

Despite all the glitches in my chaotic little life, I have to say that I'm really happy right now. I know that it doesn't seem that way by my writing at times, but I'm really in a good spot, for the most part. All three of my kids are almost completely potty trained, I'm getting a home of my own, I'm surrounded by people who love me, not for what I can do for them but for who I am, and though a lot of doors are closed to me now, there's still quite a few windows open. Life is good. Chaotic, but good.

By the way, my baby sister had her baby a few weeks back. An 8 lb + chunk of baby boy. He has eyes like my sister and a mouth like his daddy. My sister is slowly learning about all the crazy things I've been telling her over the past few years. You don't really appreciate how hard it is to take care of a newborn until you have the total responsibility of one. She's about ready to pull her hair out. A little tiny part of me is screaming, "Told You So!" Most of me wants to sooth her. Babies are hard work and she doesn't have family close to her to help. I had my parents, at least, even if my ex was worthless. My mother is a saint. If not for her, I wouldn't be where I'm at today. In fact, I'd probably be bald and in a padded room. I know my sister is craving the companionship of family right now. Especially of the feminine variety. If all goes well, I'm going to see if I can make a trip to Maryland to visit her and give her some much needed relief. Plus, I get to hold my newest little nephew.

Crazy as it seems, I miss having a baby around the house. I kinda got cheated when I had mine. The first one you always try to rush through. You're so excited about seeing the next stage that you don't take time to appreciate the stage they're in. By the time Desi was ready to start walking, the boys came along. With them, I just didn't have the time to appreciate anything. Twice the baby, four times the work. Add on a toddler and you have a made for TV comedy. Yep, my life strangely echoes Everybody Loves Raymon, down to the psycho mother-in-law and the worthless bumbling idiot of a husband. Now, I've divorced out of the comedy and right into the Lifetime television mini-series. Maybe when the dust settles, I'll have a nice little screen play. I'm making the request to have Charlize Theron play the part of moi now.

Procrastinator

I've been slacking off a bit in my responsibilities lately. For this, I am feeling a bit guilty. My kids are still getting proper care and I'm not living in a dump, but I'm not meeting the expectations I have for myself either. I've been spending a lot of time with my nose in a book or sleeping during my free time. I know I should rectify this as soon as possible, but I'm feeling very selfish at the moment. It seems like I do a lot of things for other people but very little for myself.

Part of the problem with getting myself motivated is that it seem like everything I've taken on lately is a never-ending task. Wash, fold, scrub, pick up, drive, repair, paint, work, work, work. Get some sleep then start again. It's almost odd. I crave stability but hate the monotony of it. Maybe this is why I pursue Sexy so much. Nothing is ever monotonous with him. Everything is passionate.....intense.

I've been giving a lot of thought about this in the last couple of weeks. I like being aware of the reasons for why I do something. I also like making a forward progress towards my goals. Only lately, it seems as though I'm moving more in circles than anything. It's one step forward and two steps back. It's frustrating.

I can't say that it's all been hopeless. I am getting closer to being independent. I'm getting further on the repairs to my new home. I'm not as far as I think I should be or hoped I would be, but I'm getting there. Each day brings me another step or two closer and gives me a small sense of victory. The only question now is if I'll be ready when my place is. It will be the first time I've lived somewhere as the only adult. I'm excited, but I'm also a little frightened. I worry that I'm not up to the task of doing it all on my own. I've been sharing my responsibilities for as long as I can remember. But this time is different. I'm totally responsible and I have people counting on me to take care of my responsibilities.

Anyway, speaking of responsibilities, I'd best be going. I need to hit the sack so I can get up early and get some work done. I've procrastinated long enough. I won't have that luxury much longer, so I'd best get prepared for it now. Say a prayer and wish me luck. I can use all of it.

A Cut Above The Rest

The thing I love and hate most about my life is that I never know what the day will bring. My life doesn't follow any sort of structure, even though I crave it. What I want most out of life is stability, to know, day to day, what to expect. At the same time, I never get bored. I always have the possibility of adventure every day I wake up.

I suppose that's one of the reasons I love Sexy so much. My relationship with him fits in with the rest of my life so well. Each day with him is an adventure. It's both wonderful and frustrating. While I crave stability with him, I also love the fact that any time, any place, we can find ourselve pushing the boundaries and each other's buttons.

Lord, that man gets me fired up! He's my fantasies in flesh. And no, this is not a purely sexual comment. I want more from a guy than a good toss. Eventually, the passion fizzles if there's nothing to back it up. But I'm not worried about it with him. He's got everything I'm looking for, and a few things I didn't know to look for. And his smile. Good Heaven, his smile! I'm not superficial, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate his good looks too.

I could make a list a mile long about all the qualities in Sexy that draw me to the man. In fact, I actually made that list already, before I even met him. A friend of mine from Kansas once told me that if I was going to find the man I really wanted, I'd first have to know what kind of man I wanted. She suggested I make a list of all the qualities I wanted in a significant other and post it in a place I'd see every day. She said once I knew what I was looking for, I'd find it.

Well, I made my list, but I tucked it away in a drawer when I was done. I didn't take it out again until several years later, long after Sexy and I started seeing each other. And you know what? He had every quality I listed. Go figure. I didn't even have to look at my list every day. Once I had really though about what I was looking for, it stuck in the back of my head. It's probably one of the reasons I was never really content with my ex-husband. He didn't have what it took to make my list. He lacked most of the important qualities I needed.

I don't have my list anymore. I gave it to Sexy at one point, just to show him that I had been looking for him for a long time. I don't know what he did with it after that. I really don't need it in any case. I found what I was looking for. I found the man that touches me on every level. I found the man that inspires my creativity and my passion. I found the one who has strength where I am weak, who compliments me in every way that matters. I am so, so lucky.

I imagaine that he will continue to drive me up the wall on occasion. I'm also sure I'll do the same for him. I would bet on the fact that we haven't seen the last of our troubles. I'd also bet that we'll be able to fire each other up until our dying breaths. I'm not much of a gambling person and I've always felt like the odds of finding my "soul mate" were pretty slim, but I can't deny the fact that it's happened. I feel complete when I'm laying there beside him.

Yeah, I may not know everything that my day will bring, but that's okay. As long as it brings me another moment with Sexy, I'll be happy. Even if he's driving me crazy and refusing to see sense, I'll be happy. Because whatever we do, I know we'll do it with great passion. Lord, I love that man!

Bliss (Once Again)

JOY! Heaven help me, I'm so happy I could burst! I'm skipping around the house like a schoolgirl with her first crush. I'm singing off key and dancing with my children and laughing like I haven't laughed in a long time.

I imagine that it's difficult for those who ride my emotional roller coaster with me. It must be so exhausting. One day happy, the next sad, the next ecstatic. It exhausts me too, but I love it. I feel so much, so deeply. After years upon years of being numb and on the outside, I'm finally deep in the middle of something so intense that I'm frozen in awe.

Yes, Sexy and I have reconciled. It was beautiful. It was perfect. I'm smiling so hard my face feels like it will crack. I love him. I love him and it doesn't matter what happened. We still have so much to conquer, but we'll do it together.

I can't write much at the moment. I have a lot of things yet to finish and the natives are getting restless. Kert is flushing shampoo down the toilet and Cody & Desi are fighting again. I shall, however, be back on later when everything has settled down, including myself. I'm so happy! I just wanted everyone to know that everything has worked out. I can get that tattoo of Sexy's name on my butt now. Yay!

One Hard Day

Written September 14th, 11:30 p.m.

Today was a hard day. I woke up after only three and a half hours of sleep feeling like someone had punched me in the gut. I wanted to go back to sleep. I tried to go back to sleep. It didn’t work.

So, I got up. It may not have been the hardest thing I did all day, but it was quite an accomplishment. I wouldn’t have done so if not for a doctor’s appointment. It was too late to call and cancel it, so I left the comfort and security of my covers.

I think this is the first (and probably only) time I have enjoyed the wait in the reception area. I thumbed through a magazine dated from February of last year. It had Valentine’s treats and cards on the cover. I probably should have caved at the sight, but I didn’t link it to my current situation. I didn’t really read it either. I looked at the pictures, the clothing and accessories, the craft ideas. I didn’t think of Sexy for 45 minutes.

I went back to my house after my visit. I hate driving. I think too much when I drive. Mom and Dad were both waiting for me when I walked in the door. Mom knew something was up right away. I didn’t have to say a word and she knew. She prodded as mothers are prone to do. I told her I didn’t want to talk about it. Talking about it means thinking about it. I didn’t want to think about it.

I guess you don’t always get what you want because, despite the fact that I refused to talk about it, I kept thinking these thoughts. I thought about how I finally understood how people can die from a broken heart. I never really understood it before. I thought I did, but I really had no clue. When the pain is so intense that you vomit, then you start to understand.

The rest of my day was filled with small misfortunes. A missed deadline here, a lost item there. I didn’t even have the strength to get upset. My mom was there with me through it all. She tried to help carry my burden, but I wasn’t ready to share. I felt like a sweater, all frayed and worn, and releasing one iota of my rigid control would unravel me. I knew that my mom felt my pain and talking about it would help heal her, and I wanted to. I didn’t want her to be worried about me. I couldn’t, however.

I picked my kids up from my ex tonight. I was worried about it. I didn’t feel as if I was up to facing them. I just wanted to sink back into bed and sleep. Only sleep wasn’t an option. They needed me. I needed them too. I didn’t even realize it until I got them home. I held them, played with them, smiled with them. I healed a little. I still have a long way to go, but it was a start.

I feel proud of myself for getting through the day. It was so hard, and I still ache so much. My bed still beckons me along with the blissful, empty slumber I’ll find there. I just wish I wasn’t so afraid of tomorrow. I’ll have to wake up again. I’ll have to leave my cocoon of oblivion again. But for now, I don’t have to think about it. I made it through today. I made it through today.

Agony

Written September 14th, 3:00 a.m.

I don’t know how I function under the weight of my own agony. The air in my lungs, the beat of my heart, seem like such a mockery. The hope that refuses to die adds insult to injury. And it’s all for love. All for love.

I’m so confused and I’m so hurt. Every word that he said is a weight in my belly. I want to vomit them up, but they don’t move. I can’t scream. I can’t cry. I want to shout at the injustice of it all. I want to be angry. But I don’t have room for anger. His words, each one a razor, take up that space.

I just got out of the shower when he called. I had been waiting for his call. I told myself I wouldn’t run to him when he did, but I was getting ready to see him. I don’t know why I lie to myself. I know I don’t wear that perfume to go to bed. I wear it for him.

He asked me what I wanted. It’s the same question I’ve been asking myself for the past two weeks. I gave him the only answer I knew to give him, the only answer I knew for sure. I told him that I didn’t want to fight with him anymore.

He told me it was over. I didn’t want to fight with him. He told me he had been with another, a girl that had called herself my friend. I sat there in my towel, wearing the perfume that he likes. I sat there with my heart breaking. I could feel it, see it. My heart had left my chest and broke, right there before me.

I asked him who, but he wouldn’t say. I told him that I couldn’t do it anymore. I told him to give me my key back. He said he would tomorrow. I couldn’t wait. I couldn’t lay there in bed knowing that it was over, but not over. I couldn’t let my hope live.

I told him I’d be at his place in ten minutes to get my key. I hung up the phone and grabbed some clothes. I got them on right side out and front side forward. I don’t know how. I also grabbed the book I got him. It was about how our friendship was a true one. I grabbed the movies I bought him. He loves the Rocky movies. He has them on VHS but not DVD. I got him the DVDs so he could watch them over and over. I dreamt about laying beside him on his couch and watching them with him. I love being a part of what he’s passionate about. There was no way I could keep them. I couldn’t bear the reminder of what never was.

I pulled up in front of his house. I don’t remember driving. I didn’t think about it the whole way there. Couldn’t think about it. Didn’t want to remember making the trip a million times before. Didn’t want to think about it being my last time. I think it might be illegal to drive when you’re not breathing. I couldn’t hear the sound of the engine over the sound of my blood racing though my veins. So much pressure in my head and my chest. It was agony.

I knocked on his door. No answer. I knocked again. It seemed an eternity before his door opened. I looked at his feet. I couldn’t look up. I took the key from his hand and shoved the movies and book at him. He said something then, but I couldn’t speak. I turned around and never looked up. I couldn’t bear to look at his face, at his eyes. His eyes are a soft blue and so beautiful. I didn’t feel soft. I felt hard everywhere. I didn’t feel beautiful. I couldn’t look at his eyes.

His voice followed me back to my van. I didn’t turn around and I didn’t answer. I didn’t hear his words. The pressure wouldn’t let anything in or anything out. I closed the door. The engine was still running. I buckled my seat belt. It’s automatic. It has to be. My mind wasn’t functioning. I turned on my lights. I backed away from his door. He was standing there watching me leave. I looked at my dashboard. I looked at my mirrors. I looked at his car as I backed around it. I didn’t look at his face, or his beautiful eyes.

I drove. Home was my only destination. It was over. All I had to do was push the pedal. Push it down, but not too hard. I’d be safe soon. Push the pedal, don’t think.

I heard my phone ring. I heard the song that belonged to him. I thought I had left my phone at home. It wasn’t supposed to be with me. It wasn’t supposed to ring. It wasn’t supposed to be his song. I didn’t answer. I let it ring. I should have shut it off, but I wasn’t thinking.

I parked in front of my house. I ran inside. I put my purse down on the table. I stood there. I don’t know how long. A minute? Ten? A year? The phone rang again. It was his song. It was a knife to the chest. I couldn’t stop myself. I dug it out of my pants’ pocket. I don’t remember putting it there when I got dressed. I flipped it open.

“Don’t call me anymore. Don’t call,” I begged. I snapped it shut. I threw it down on my bed and watched it like one would a poisonous snake. My stomach churned. My throat closed. Then his song played again. His name showed up on the screen with a picture of a heart. The heart was whole. I hadn’t looked at the picture I set for him in a long time. A solid heart. No tears or cracks.

I couldn’t stop myself. I opened my phone and put it to my ear. I said something. I don’t remember what. He said he was sorry. The bile rose. Hope fluttered in my aching chest. God, the agony. He told me he hadn’t slept with my friend. He had lied to hurt me. He was sorry.

My foolish heart. My foolish hope. They fluttered. I ached. I struggled not to puke. The pain was so intense. He asked me if I was still there. I said I was. I could hardly talk. My mouth was dry. It was all behind my eyes. Pressure in my head. Pressure in my chest. He was sorry. He was being a jerk. I heard the words. I wanted to tell him that I had to go. I was going to be sick. I didn’t want him to hear me be sick. My hands were shaking. I couldn’t keep the phone to my ear. I needed to let him go. It was in my brain, but it wouldn’t move to my mouth. He said some more. He asked if I was still on the phone. I mumbled a yes. He said something about being a fool. He told me he loved me. He said he’d talk to me later and hung up the phone. I flipped my phone shut. I plugged in the charger. I walked to the bathroom and threw up.

I’m still shaking. My throat burns. My eyes burn. My chest hurts. My jaw hurts. I’m clenching it. The pain is still there. The hope is still there. I don’t know which is worse. I believe that he didn’t sleep with another. I don’t want to believe. I want to throw my perfume away. I want to take his ring tone off my phone. I want to erase that perfectly whole heart. I don’t want to see his eyes when I close mine. I want to hold him, touch him, taste him. I want to hear him say I love you again. I want it to be over. I never want it to end.

The pain is still with me. I don’t know what to do. He still believes I want another. He aches with it. I want to heal him. He’ll never have faith in me, in us. It hurts so much. We have nothing without trust. But I can’t seem to let go. I’m frozen, trapped by my desire. I long to be with him, even now. I want to let him go, to save him from suffering. I want to hold him forever. My foolish, stupid hope. It hangs on like a blade of grass in a field of mud. The more the sun burns it, the more the frost bites it, the more the feet trod it, the deeper the roots grow. It refuses to die. My love refuses to die.

You Only Miss Me When I'm Gone (Poem)

You Only Miss Me When I’m Gone

You only miss me
when I’m gone.
You only love me
when I’m leavin’.
I should’ve known it
all along.
It’s always been this way
between us.
You only want
what you can’t have.
Well, you won’t be
havin’ me for long.
‘Cause you only miss me
when I’m gone.
You only miss me
when I’m gone.

I was always there when
you were lonely.
I never argued,
it is true.
But when it was me
who needed someone.
I looked around,
but where was you?
I never asked you for
the whole world.
Just a shoulder
when I cried.
I guess it’s still too much
to ask for,
for you to be there
by my side.

‘Cause you only miss me
when I’m gone.
You only love me
when I’m leavin’.
I should’ve know it
all along.
It’s always been this way
between us.
You only want
what you can’t have.
Well, you won’t be
havin’ me for long.
‘Cause you only miss me
when I’m gone.
You only miss me
when I’m gone.

Nin-laws

Okay, so I'm a sucker. Just call me Cleopatra, queen of denial. Of course, if things would just go the way I expect them to, I wouldn't be caught off guard and with my defenses down.

Well, I won't leave you in suspense (I know it's killing you). I got a text message from Sexy last night. I didn't actually expect to hear from him for at least two months, if ever again. The fact that he seemed almost friendly really threw me off. I began to wonder if he had been abducted by aliens or something.

Of course, it wasn't alien abduction. What happened was that his mother laid into him. I haven't really spent much time around his mom, but I get the impression that she's not a lady to raise her voice. Sexy has a very deep respect for her. So if she does raise her voice and at the actions of her son, he apparently listens (for a change).

If I have one regret about how my relationship with Sexy has progressed, it would be that I didn't push getting to know his family better. I've met his younger brother a couple of times at the bar. I've met one of his older brothers a couple of times when myself or a family member needed a tow. His mom and dad, I met once for about ten minutes. Still, I have very warm feelings for his family and this just cements it. I'm officially in love with his family.

Okay, train of though derail, what do you call the family members of a guy you're sorta seeing? Would they be nin-laws?

Well, if that's the case, my nin-laws are smart people. I mean, I've been dating Sexy for over two years now, and I've been around his mom for ten minutes of it and she knows better than Sexy does that I'm nuts about him. Smart, smart lady.

Of course, I'm not sure if this really changes anything. She may have read him the riot act about the way he treats me, but that doesn't mean he's changed his mind. I'm pretty sure he still thinks I'm foolin' around. And I haven't quite forgiven him for his accusations. I'm pretty offended about the names he called me and still quite pissed about the purse violation.

I'm really at a loss of where to go from here. Do I let him earn his way back into my good graces? I know I'll forgive him. I can't help myself. I just can't stay angry with anyone, hardly. There's been a couple of people I've stayed mad at, but they really worked at it. And they didn't have Sexy's smile, God help me. Do I end the romance but keep the friendship? Is that even possible?

I could drive myself nuts thinking about it all night. And let me tell you, the emotional whirlpool I'm in right now is just plain crazy. Angry, sad, happy, anxious. One leads right into another so that there's no way to tell when one stops and another begins. I don't know if all of this is worth it. But how do you just walk away?

I almost wish he would've taken a couple of months to contact me, instead of right away. I would've had time to think things through a little better. Maybe he would've too. Maybe our emotions would've settled down enough by that time to pick a course of action. I hate this feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, we've talked to each other briefly the last couple of nights, but there's been no mention of what happened or any talk of feelings or such. No, I love you or sorry or miss you. It's been pretty casual, which belies the intensity I know we are both feeling right now. It's like we're both waiting for something. I'm just not sure what that something is. I know it's not an apology. I don't have a reason to apologize and he's not going to give one. Even if he did, I can't say it would help with the way I'm feeling. It just seems like this thing was so monumental and something monumental should come from it, not just casual talk. It seems wrong.

I guess the first thing I should do is ask myself where I want to go from here. It seems like such an easy question. Well, it is. It's the answer that's so hard. Still, the journey of a lifetime begins with a single step, doesn't it? I wonder though, is there a way to non-divorce the boy toy but keep the nin-laws? They're so cool! Anyone who can make Sexy see even a little bit of reason is a person to know. I am so in awe.

End of an Era

I guess all's fair when love is war. It doesn't feel very fair though. It doesn't seem fair that I should suffer any for the mistakes of others. I don't believe it's fair that I should lose something that meant so much to me after finally finding it after all this time. But I guess I shouldn't complain. I got so much good out of it, even though I had to wade through so much shit to find it.

I guess you've figured out by now that Sexy and I are no longer an item, on a permanent basis this time. I know I've sang this tune before, but I don't think there's any getting around it anymore. I've been waiting all this time for a sign to show me which way to go, and I finally got it. The line has been crossed. There's no going back.

It seems that there's more to my earlier story from before. After I wrote my last Brain Blister blog, I didn't hear from Sexy again until Thursday night after class, which was a whole week from the previous incident. Thursday night, however, I made the mistake of chasing him down. See, I had ordered a hardback copy of Memory of Running for him since his paperback copy was about to fall apart. It arrived in the mail Thursday morning and I couldn't wait to give it to him. Basically, I just couldn't wait to see him again. So, after class Thursday night, I went to the bar he shoots pool at. He was there of course, still claiming to feel anger over the prior incident. I just wanted to touch him.

After the bar closed, he invited me back to his place. I went. I'm a fool like that. When he invited me to stay the night, I did. Foolish again. I crawled under the covers and layed next to him. That's all I did. I just wanted to be near him. But he started in about not trusting me and it turned into a big fight.

I should have left right then and there, but I couldn't. I wanted so badly to be near him, to make him understand how much I love him, to make him see the truth. So I stayed. I went to sleep beside him and I loved it, even though I was hurting.

When he woke me up in the morning, things were still pretty tense. We dressed and went about our business in silence. As I walked out the front door with him, I waited expectantly for a kiss. It's our ritual. But no kiss was forthcoming this time. Instead, he asked me about the men's names I have in the addressbook in my phone.

I suppose I should have told him straight off that he was asking me about my student loan consultant and the guy who's been helping me get my child support straightened out. I should have explained that they weren't love interests or anything. But I was so stunned. I was angry. I was confused. He had taken my phone from my purse and checked up on me. I felt......violated. Part of me held my silence so he could suffer like he had just made me suffer. Part of me just realized that the truth didn't matter. He'd never believe it coming from my lips. He had made up his mind before he even looked through my phone. I knew right then that it was over, beyond over. There was no going back from that point.

I've spent most of my day in a state of shock. I did hear from him shortly after I arrived back home. He sent a text message asking if he had surprized me. I told him that I just didn't know whether to laugh at him or scream at him. It was true. In some ways it is funny. He's been getting so bent out of shape over nothing. No one who knows me has any doubt that I'm nuts about the guy. Besides that, there's just no room in my life for another guy right now. I barely have time to see Sexy. But jealousy and fear make you do crazy things. I know that's why he raided my purse.

If I could keep anything the way it is right now, it would be the feeling of shock. When you're in shock, you don't think. I know this, because when I do think about it, I feel so angry. So very angry. I'm angry because the truth was there right in front of his eyes. All he had to do was listen to me. Really listen to me. All he had to do was come into my world and see for himself. I've forgiven every emotional injury he has done me. I've followed him around like a lovesick puppy. I've sacrificed so many important things just to spend time with him. And the little things, all those little things that speak volumes. Every back rub I've given him, the quilt I started sewing for him, the cds of songs I made for him, the movies I bought him, the support I've provided through the past two years. It says it all right there. If that isn't enough, even my family knows how much I love him. All he had to do was ask. They could tell him how much I talk about him, how I glow after being with him, how I make excuses for him and lie to myself just so I can be with him. There isn't anyone who talks to me who doesn't know that I've given my heart to him and only him. No one doubts it, no one but Sexy.

I know in time I'll forgive him. It's what I do best. I know that I'll wonder, possibly forever, if there was something I could've done or said to prove my love to him. I also know that it's a question that has no answer. Even if it did, the answer no longer matters. You see, I just can't get over the fact that he would let it end this way. I guess, in my mind, I know that if he had loved me half as much as I love him, then he would've given me a chance. A real chance. I don't doubt that he loves me in his own way. I don't doubt that I've gotten under his skin. But all of that is pointless now. He obviously didn't care enough about me to take the risk.

I guess I should get some sleep now. Tomorrow will be a busy day for me. I have things to sort through and get rid of. I have a slate to wipe clean. Tonight, however, I'm going to crawl into the shirt I took of his, snuggle up to the pillow scented with his cologne, and forget, for a moment, that it's over. Tomorrow may be the begining of a new life for me, but tonight is the end of an era and I only wish to hold on to it for a moment more. What can I say? I'm a fool like that.

Huh?

I couldn't sleep tonight. This is very unusual behavior for me. Usually, I can hit the lightswitch and be in bed asleep before the lights go out. That is, unless I have too much going through my brain.

This is one of those nights that my mind won't shut off. I've been thinking a lot about Sexy and I, my new home that I'm working on and all that I need to make it right, about going back to court with my ex to change custody, and about school. There's more thoughts rolling around my noggin like a bowl full of marbles, but those are the major ones. And believe me, it's enough.

Mainly, I'm trying to figure out a way to sort it all out and deal with it. There's a lot going on right now and I suck at multi-tasking. You'd think I'd learn after having three kids in one year, but some people just don't have that skill. I don't think it's one that can be learned either. Still, if there's a way, I'm going to find it.

I've been thinking about making a self-hypnosis cd to play at night while I sleep (if I can sleep). I've heard somewhere that if you're trying to learn a foreign language, then you'll learn it faster if you play a recording of it while you sleep. I'm wondering if you can do the same to learn how to break bad habits. It's worth a shot anyways. My other option is to hire a personal assistant and I don't have that kinda money.

Anyway, I know this is totally random, but that's about how I feel tonight. Strangely enough, I think I can go to sleep now. So, goodnight all. May the force be with you.

Brain Blisters (Part 3)

The two previous blogs were to set the stage for the story I'm about to tell. But before I start, I should give you a little more background information.

1) a couple of breakups before the latest event, Sexy outright told me that he wanted the picket fence and golden bands again, just not with me. He's reason for this being that I'm "too young" to be able to make that kind of commitment to him and he'd be the one left picking up the pieces when it failed. I told him I'd see him the next day, and I did.

2) I've proposed to Sexy on numerous occasions. Believe me, it was a lot harder than you could possibly imagine. Kudos to you men who do it and do it well. I do know that I would probably like to get married again, someday. I don't think I want to do it anytime in the next couple of years. I want to spend the rest of my life with Sexy, but part of the reason I asked was because I knew he'd say no. Of course, if he said yes, I would have celebrated by hanging naked from his chandelier. I'm afraid of weddings, not of committing myself to him. I'm also very okay with our current situation of not living with each other. Either way, it's good by me. I won't love him any more or less for a piece of paper. My commitment to him is already made in my heart and my mind. Honestly, weddings scare me. Really, really scare me. But I'd do it for him.

3) Before the event in question, Sexy had broke up with me again. It's the same song. He doesn't want to deal with us. I'm too young, yadda yadda. He doesn't want to get hurt again, I'm too young. He doesn't want to talk about it, I'm too young. You get the point. I left, promising I would be back, and I was back. Only, the next time he saw me, I didn't stay long, kiss him, or act like anything more than a friend. There was no reconciliation. There really never is. I couldn't tell you at any point in time if we're official or not. That's why I refer to him as my boy toy or my sexy. Calling him my boyfriend just feels like a lie.

So, Tuesday night I went to his place after class for a couple of minutes. I sat on his couch with him and watched tv for a moment and then left. I didn't hear from him again until Thursday night. Now, Thursday night, I went with an old high school friend to a bar for a drink, then to Country Kitchen for food. We are now going to the same college and we bump into each other frequently. This is not a friendship with the potential of more. First of all, I have no romantic feelings for this guy. I'm not physically or mentally attracted to him. Second of all, he's slept with one of my girlfriends which puts him in the "Yuck!" category automatically. However, I didn't quite feel like going home and moping around until I finally heard from Sexy. I also have few friends I can go out with now. I'm the only one who is divorced and not working. So, I took the opportunity to get out of the house.

Now, my friend (Kenny for the sake of discussion) and I were sitting at Country Kitchen at 1 in the morning when Sexy finally called. I had left my van at the bar and drove Kenny's car there. I immediately told Sexy where I was and who I was with, and the shit hit the fan. According to Sexy, I was there with Kenny to get laid. I was cheating on Sexy. I was doing exactly what he said I was going to do. I'm getting kind of mad at this point, so I take the call outside. He asks me if it's over between us. I said I didn't want it to be, but it depended on him. He's the one that keeps breaking up with me, after all. He, of course, said it depended on me. He asks what it is I want. I tell him that I want to be with him. He asks if I want to marry him. I say that I do want that. He asks me why I'm out with another guy then. I explain that Kenny is just a friend, and Sexy proceeds to call me a liar. I explain that if I had anything to hide, I wouldn't have answered the phone when he called. I can't be cheating on him when he broke up with me. Even if he hadn't, I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was just having a meal with a friend.

Now things are getting really fired up. At one point, I had given the phone to Kenny so Sexy could talk to him. Apparently, Sexy asks Kenny if he's fucking me. What I hear Kenny say is that he's just out drinking and trying to have a good time. What Sexy hears Kenny say is, "Yeah, I'm trying to." Apparently, I am now responsible for every man who wants to have sex with me. I'm leading them on or something. I'm getting a headache by this point. I realize that it's just jealousy talking, but I'm trying my best to explain that there is no reason to be jealous. Poor Kenny, all he heard me talk about was Sexy. He had to know that there was no way to get into my pants. I left no room for doubt about it. I love my Sexy. I don't want anyone else but him. Doing something with another man would just feel hollow and empty. I wouldn't get any enjoyment from it, so what's the point?

End result, I end up walking back to my van (which is totally across town). I didn't have to. Kenny offered me a ride, but I couldn't do it. I was angry with Sexy and didn't feel like being nice to any male at the moment. And despite the fury filling me, it was a very nice walk. I had some comfortable shoes, so my feet didn't hurt and I'm used to walking a lot. I spent a lot of that time letting my heart and my head wage war with each other. While I understand his reasons for being upset, I think he was totally out of line. Like I explained to him, if I was doing something wrong, I wouldn't broadcast it. I wouldn't have told him where I was and who I was with. If I was going to lie about sleeping with Kenny, I would have lied about the whole thing. It's not like he would've known if I hadn't told him. Of course, he doesn't see it that way.

By the time I made it back home, I was calmer. I really don't stay angry very long. All I wanted at that point was to kiss and make up. He's my best friend, after all. Still, I can't help but wonder about what it was all about. My mind keeps wondering if Sexy picked a fight with me so he could break up with me without having a guilty conscience. Of course, he had already broken up with me, but it happens so often that I think that he doesn't even know if we're together or not.

He sent me a message on Friday morning telling me that he was returning my key. I told him to keep it. I haven't heard from him since. He kept the key, at least, so far. It's now Sunday night, and I miss him so much. I'm sure that there are those of you who are shaking your heads right now. I know what it looks like. Believe me. I've been in situations like this before. I've made excuses for every guy I've ever dated as to why they treat me the way they do. I realize he treats me poorly at times. Still, the times that something of this nature happen are very rare with Sexy. Mostly, he's just trying to keep the walls up. They're the only stable things in his life. I'm not very helpful in that respect. I'm hell on walls.

Sigh, I just don't know what to do. There's so much more here than what I've said, so much that can't be expressed. He really is my best friend. We fit together like two puzzle pieces. He's so tender and caring and considerate most of the time and it would be hypocritical of me to expect him to be perfect all of the time. At the same time, I don't want to be the fool either. It's just so hard to imagine a life without him. And I definately can't imagine another in his place. I wish I had the answer to this problem. I wish I knew what it is I could do or say to make him understand that he has nothing to fear with me. I wish I knew for sure what it is he wanted.

Well, this about finishes it for now. Hopefully, I'll have more to say on the matter later. If he and I have to end, I don't want it to be this way. This way hurts too much.

I guess I'd better go now. I have some work to finish before bed. No rest for the wicked, as I always say.

Brain Blisters (Part 2)

Today is a new day. For some reason, it feels just like yesterday. Well, maybe not quite like yesterday. Actually, I'm a little more stressed today. The kids haven't quite gotten into the groove of being with me yet. They're still running around like a bunch of wild Indians. Destruction count for today is : 3 pair of "big boy" pants, one door, one whole roll of tape, two tampons (don't ask), one painting, 4 movies (scratched beyond repair, two of them brand new), and a partridge in a pair tree. In the events category, one tried to flush himself down the toilet, one peed in a small cooler, one just drove me nuts with questions. I had to make them lay down for a while so I could calm myself down. It's like half-time. I get to stretch, catch a meal, then get myself hunkered down for the second half. Despite the aggravation, it's not the destruction that gets me so worked up. It's the fact that toddlers whine when they're tired. I have three of them going postal and I'm to the point of joining them since I can't beat them. Wow, that last part of the sentence could be taken so many ways.



Anyway, I believe we left off last with my overall confused state concerning Sexy. Now that I've explained how I feel, let me explain why I feel that way.

As I've mentioned once or twice before, Sexy and I are constantly teetering back and forth, which only adds to our confusion. Even the break-ups themselves are complicated. When Sexy breaks up with me, he says things like, "I think we should move on. I think it would be best for both of us." I always ask him what it is that he wants, but he never gives me an answer. He doesn't say that he wants it to end. He says that he thinks it's for the best or something. This tells me that he doesn't want it to end. After all, I give him ample opportunity to tell me that he wants it that way, but he doesn't. He just goes silent. And believe me when I say that I make it easy for him to tell me if that was what he wanted. He knows that I wouldn't make a scene or argue if he stated it flat out. If I knew that it was what he truly wanted, then there would be nothing to fight about. It would be over, without a doubt. But he always leaves this wiggle room for argument and I have to believe it's for a reason. It's the reason that I'm not sure about.

Now, Sexy has a lot of demons to conquer before he could begin to think of picket fences again. For that matter, so do I. Still, I know without a doubt that he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. He, however, doesn't think that I could possibly know what it is that I want. That's one of the demons he has to face, to trust that a woman really knows what it is that she wants. He's afraid that because I'm ten years younger than him that I'm too immature to be able to make that kind of decision. He's afraid that the age difference between us is too grand to overcome. He thinks that in a few years I'll decide that I want something different and just pick up and leave him. Of course, I have no way to prove to him my feelings other than hanging around, which is difficult when he keeps breaking up with me.

I've tried to show him every way that I know how that I'm certain of my feeling for him as I am that the sun will rise tomorrow. I've tried to get him to interact with my family, the people who know me. My mom knows better than anyone how much I love him. My dad knows that I'm smitten beyond redemption. They know how I was through all my other relationships and how I behave so differently with Sexy because he's not like the ones before him. They also know how I am with the people I love, that I support them and defend them through thick and thin and that I would never abandon them. It's the way I was raised. My whole family is close and very loving. I want to share this with Sexy so bad. I want him to see what love and family mean to me and what it means for me to give him my love and make him my family. Of course, he's so afraid of becoming close to people and then losing them that he avoids my family. Not to mention that he's ashamed of the way he's treated me in the past and doesn't want to face the scorn of my mother. She doesn't have any hard feelings towards him, however. Despite having full knowledge of all the events in our relationship, she believes that Sexy and I have a genuine shot at something most people only dream of. This is coming from the same woman that on my wedding day told me that my husband and I would never make it. She has a mother's intuition. She knows her children well and knows what will and what will not work for them. Despite the ups and downs, Sexy is the only man I've had in my life that has received my mother's approval. Only, he's skating on thin ice because he avoids my family so much.

Trying to explain all of this to him is near impossible. He has the whisperings from others and his own doubts to contend with, and it's just hard to believe in something that can't be proved, despite how much you might want to believe it. Believing in love is a lot like believing in God. When you believe in God, you see signs of His existance everywhere. When you don't believe in Him, or know whether to believe in Him, it's hard to find definate proof that He exists. Same for Love. You just have to decide to have faith. It's so hard to have faith, especially when you've been burned by it before, but you can't have it if you don't put your faith in it.

The problem is that Sexy has lost faith in everything. He's lost faith in love, in God, and in himself. He doesn't see the things that I see. He can't when he doesn't believe it exists. He doesn't see the wonderful side of him that I love so much. He doesn't see the love in my eyes when I look at him. He doesn't believe that love is in store for him or that he is worthy of it. I could tell him he's wrong until I ran out of breath, but it doesn't matter until he starts seeing it for himself. I just don't know when or if that will ever be.

Well, the munchkins are stirring, so I'd best take my leave. Perhaps I'll be on later to continue. Perhaps not. If not, I want to tell everyone that still keeps up with me that I appreciate it. And Ashlee - I know I'm not one who has a right to offer any advise, so I won't. Good luck on your current situation. Misery does love company, lol.